Thursday, December 28, 2006

How I Spent My Christmas Vacation....

So far I have been sick. As if having a cold wasn't enough, I developed an infection and was in urgent care at 7 am this morning. Needless to say my vacation has been a vast wasteland of Kleenex and empty emergenC packets. And now my regimen involves antibiotics. Antibiotics that make me gag everytime I have to take one (twice a day). I never thought I would say this but I can't wait to go back to work.

As for Christmas, I am happy to say it was nice. Aside from the fact that I lost my voice due to all the talking (I'm telling you this entire vacation has revolved around sickness). I got some random presents (like a girls size hat, glove and scarf set from my grandma) but overall most of the presents were useful and cool. My dad got me the antiaging set from Arbonne. Which is something I totally wanted, but would have never bought on my own. From my mom I got a ton of movie tickets (which I totally love but haven't been able to use yet) and a ton of socks (which I have used). Everyone seemed to love the presents I got them, even though I got the wrong size shoes for my mom. Dammit Janet.

Yesterday, before I realized I had the infection, I felt well enough to get my flat tire fixed. I called AAA and someone came out really fast, and put my spare on in 10 minutes tops. I broke a vow and went to Walmart to get the flat fixed. I haven't stepped foot in Walmart in about 2 years, but the previous owner of my car had a lifetime warranty on the tires. That was too good of a deal. When I got to Walmart the tire guy was nice until he said that all the warranty covered was fixing the flat, not putting it back on my car. For them to actually put it back on I would have had to drive it in flat. What the hell. I asked him what I was supposed to do. He told me to have my husband put the tire back on. While I was flattered he thought anyone would marry me the way I looked (real sexy with a runny red nose and unwashed hair), I had to tell him there was no man in my life. Nothing makes you feel like gold then admitting that to the walmart tire guy while your nose is running. He told me he would talk to his manager and to come back in 2 hours. I came back and the nice tire guy told me that they would put the tire back on. I just needed to leave my car with them for 30 minutes. At this point I am beginning to realize I am sicker than just a cold, and entering Walmart was probably not the wisest move I could make. And I probably shouldn't have used their restroom either (but at least it made me remember why I made the vow in the first place). 30 minutes later I walk back to express tire and lube (finding nothing express about waiting for 2.5 hours to get a flat fixed and placed back on my car). The nice tire guy tells me my car is done, and so I walk to it. The first thing I notice is the tire is not right. I asked someone where my hubcap was, and he looked at me and said, "That tire didn't come with a hubcap". Well then I asked him where my spare was, and it was at that point I realized they had taken the spare off and then put it right back on. Nice. Then it took 4 men to find my tire and then another 15 minutes to put the right tire on. 3 hours later I made my way home. Thanks Walmart.

For some reason I am actually looking forward to New Year's. I like to think I will be better by then, but heaven knows what else will happen to me.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

How To Tell You're On The Naughty List...

As if it is not enough to be sick on Christmas I also have a flat tire. Thanks Santa. I think it's safe to say my name is not on the nice list this year. So while I am waiting for my mom to pick me up so I can spend Christmas Eve with her and my grandma I thought I would offer a story of love this Christmas season.

As told to me by Supermommy:

All her toddler wanted from Santa was a present wrapped in green paper. Doesn't matter what the present is, all he wanted was for it to be wrapped in green paper. In the Supermommy household there was lots of red and silver wrapping paper, but nary a green roll to be found. So she did what any loving mother would do and when her darling child was asleep ran to the store to get green wrapping paper. Did I mention it was also raining like crazy outside? I really hope he likes his present wrapped in green paper tomorrow. Supermommy also told me that her toddler was only getting one present from Santa at their house, since our grandmother goes crazy with the presents at Christmas. Since her baby is only 7 months old she also mentioned not getting her anything, but she wondered what her toddler would think. I told her that she should say the baby was naughty this year, so Santa didn't bring her anything. It's becoming clear how I made the naughty list!

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday!

Friday, December 22, 2006

The Ghost of Christmas Past

As a child I was sick a lot during the holidays. Christmas, Easter, my birthday, you name it. Horrifically sick at that. I would have to stay in my room and not get to go to my grandparents house and get presents from Santa (my parents would bring them to my room). It sucked big time. Even in undergrad I would get sick every winter after finals. I attribute all this to stress and excitement. Well today was the beginning of my week off work, and as I was doing some last minute shopping I began sneezing. I am not usually a person who sneezes, so I now this is the beginning of my holiday cold. As I wrap the presents I bought today, I will drink from my Airborne and orange juice. Sweet healing nectar. I just hope I feel good enough to finish shopping tomorrow. One more store and I am done shopping. Yeah! Too bad the store I need to go to is in the mall. Dangit.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Would You Rather Dress Like An Elf For The Rest Of Your Life Or Have A Glowing Red Nose

Just when I think I am done Christmas shopping, I found out I need to find presents for 5 more people. Which means I will be braving the mall tomorrow. Hopefully I will wake up early enough to get there before it is busy, but I am really not a wake up early kind of gal. So far the weather is sunny, and it is just beginning to get cold (as in 50 degrees cold, not like snowed in cold). I am trying to keep up with the wrapping, and right now my living room looks like a roll of wrapping paper gave birth to small frayed ribbon pieces.

So far the best gift I have given has been the book Would You Rather. I used to play this game with friends in college, but I never knew there was a book of disgusting and funny ideas. I bought it for a friend of mine who is taking a road trip for the holidays. I had it at work with me and made everyone play at lunch.

And the same friend gave me the 2007 Anne Taintor Calender which is awesome. I already have it up in my kitchen. I have 6 more hours of work and then I am off for one week (which is like a Christmas miracle to me).

I hope everyone has a happy whatever they celebrate. I can't wait to post about my crazy holiday.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Check This Out...

If you have a chance this weekend check this site outHer Bad Auction. It's a raffle for a great cause.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Cracking My Sweet Nuts...

Last night I went walking with Supermommy and her family down a neighborhood that was uber decorated for Christmas. In my group there were two preschoolers in a red wagon, one baby in a stroller and one in a baby carrier. I had no kids, as I am prone to falling. I did manage not to lose my party, and that felt like an accomplishment for me.

My evening started out by visiting my grandmother (she was nice enough to let us park at her house). I walked in as she was watching the Catholic channel, specifically a show called, "Sunday Night Live." A show similar to "Saturday Night Live" but without the funny skits, famous guest hosts, and it's hosted by two monks. Pretty much the same show. Anyway the shows topic was marriage. Being a single gal, walking in to this scene was like entering the perfect storm. I was grilled about my thoughts on marriage like I was on trial. She eventually decided I was a hopeless case when I told her I believe in prenups. It was a funny conversation and I am glad to know that my radical ideas on marriage will keep her spotlight off me (grin). Thanks be we never talked about post nups (totally a fan).

The walk was great. I only got kicked by one child (twice, and not even family). I also didn't fall or trip, and my knee only gave out once so it was a fabulous walk. At one point I even did a throw up check of the baby in the carrier, and I am glad to report there was no vomit. The kids were funny too. In the red wagon there were two boys one 4ish the other 2.5 y.o. The younger one has a propensity to hit when angered (as kids his age are apt to do), but every so often I would catch the older one goading him on. At one point he was taunting the younger one by saying "You've been naughty" over and over. I had to laugh, because that's the phrase that strikes fear in the heart of every child in my family this time of year.

We also met the first mean Santa I have ever seen. He was not at all child friendly, and talk about the wrong career to have when kids piss you off. One kid asked Santa if he knew what his name was and Santa looked at him and said "Trouble maker." He would shake hands with the kids and then yell at them to move away. I am still laughing about this.

I was also told my Supermommy's husband (we'll call him Ponch) that I was like a Nut Cracker. I didn't make the leap in caring, listening, empathetic to Nut Cracker. Unless he meant to imply the mind is the nut, then I totally get it. And telling him I prefer the term ball buster over nut cracker seems now inappropriate and wrong. The title of this post is actually what Ponch said to me at one point.

It would have been the perfect holiday event, if I hadn't yelled at a driver in front of me on my way to the event. I called him a "fucking good Samaritan." He was really was a jerk driver letting people in, while I waited in one spot for 15 minutes. The drive home was also a beast. I hate holiday traffic.

I am also happy to report that I did a big chunk of holiday shopping today at work. I went on etsy and found some great things for friends and family. I think I am almost done shopping. It's great having a slow week at work. Here's hoping the presents get here before the 25th or we will be celebrating the 12 days of Christmas (and I am pretty sure I won't find partridges and lords a leaping on etsy).

Sunday, December 10, 2006

The Upside of Anger

In general I am a social cleaner only (as in I only clean when I know for a fact people are coming over.) The only exception to this rule is I clean when angry. The madder I am correlates to the amount of things I will clean. Last night I cleaned out 2 closets, cleaned off my dining room table, and straightened the living room (sort of). I would have done more, but at that point it was midnight and I didn't want to wake my neighbors. It is totally a cathartic experience to get rid of crap. I think I threw away 4 garbage bags full of stuff that either didn't work, or I didn't want in the first place. I still have more to do, and I really hope therapy tonight isn't a buzz kill on my anger, or my bedroom (and everything but the dining room) will never get organized. So what is your upside of anger?

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Would You Like Butt Hairs With Those Skin Peels?

I had to go to my father's house yesterday and pick up a check. He had just come from a crazy dinner, and I was guessing he would need to be talked down. Sure enough I was there for 3 hours. So much for going to bed early. While I was there he said several things that grossed me out but here are the top three:

1) He has a friend who owns a restaurant and he has mentioned that she is not the cleanest person and it can gross him out. She was burned by grease about 2 months ago and is still healing from the burns. Apparently the burn on her head can itch her (which is normal for burns I think), but she will pick at it while she is cooking. Now several people have mentioned to her that this is gross, but she keeps doing it. According to my dad she likes freaking people out (either that or she likes visits from health inspectors).

2) Same lady: My dad walked in recently to have lunch and they were talking as she was making it. As she is talking she puts her hand in the back of her pants, scratches her ass, and then continues cooking. I was all but throwing up in my mouth as he told the story so I didn't get to ask if he ate the meal or not...

3) I guess payback's a bitch. When I got back from the coast I made fun of my dad for freaking out when I talked about having kids. I will make fun no longer. He told me that his massage therapist asked him on a date. He told her that he thought he was older than her father, and she said yup, but age is only a hang up in your mind. He agreed that it freaked him out, but he didn't want to hurt her feelings. So my father tried to make it more of a group date (with other therapists in the practice), and he agreed to take them to dinner. She is 2 years younger than me. 2 years. And my dad is 5 years older than her father. I get that this is not a serious date, but nonetheless, it's freaking me out.

Since last night I have been searching for my happy place, but apparently there is no place safe from thoughts of skin and butt in my food.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

I wish the Wiseman would bring me coffee...

When I was on the coast and playing with the buddha baby my biological clock began making noises. It was a faint hum to the tune of "this could be nice." I almost gave my father a heart attack when I said it out loud. His eyes got big and all he could do was shake his head and repeat, "you are never having kids." The man is in for a shock one day, but not anytime soon.

Yesterday I baby sat a 2.5 year old and a 6 month old, and well, they kicked my ass. Both of them were great (aside from the fact that the baby was very mad that I was there and not mommy), we played, we baked Christmas cookies, and we even read stories. I also learned that Cranky the crane is a wonderful thing, and that one of the wiseman got down on one knee and said to the baby Jesus "Happy Birthday Baby Jesus I brought you Coffee." I love the fact that I live so close to my cousin that I can babysit, because she has a wonderful family, but my gosh I was exhausted after 4 hours. The other times I babysat the baby was asleep, so I only had to entertain the older child. I woke up today and my arms were sore (totally counting it as a workout), there was soggy cheezeits and baby stuff on my pants.

Supermommy (which is my new name for my cousin) is a champ for everything she does everyday. We laughed when she got home because at one point I had both kids in my lap, holding on to both and the bottle I was feeding the baby was tucked under my chin. She was working yesterday and when she got home she even made dinner. I felt like an exhausted jackass for not thinking of dinner. But I could barely remember my own name by 7pm.

So this one is for Supermommy. You are amazing, your kids are wonderful, and thanks for the fabulous dinner. You rock. Happy (early) Birthday!!!

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Why I will never be employee of the week...

In case you are wondering, this is probably not the most appropriate thing to do at work during a staff meeting.

Our staff meeting yesterday got off to a late start. And somehow instead of talking about all things professional and smart we began speaking of holiday stuff. This then turned to our favorite holiday movies and someone mentioned Elf. I love this movie and can quote it at the drop of a hat. So I said some of my favorite lines (such as, you sit on a throne of lies or I like to smile, smilings my favorite.)

Then someone mentioned Bad Santa and it was in this moment I lost all sense of decorum. There is a scene in that movie that makes me laugh every time I think about (it when the little person in the movie is asked to move a passed out Santa and he is curious as to how that will be accomplished). So of course I say it, forgetting the huge number of times f-bombs are dropped. Luckily I caught myself and only said fu... instead of the whole word, but everyone got my point. This scene is made even worse by the fact that I am also laughing so hard I am about to start wheezing and crying. This moves into a conversation about movies and gender preferences. As I come down from my laughing, f-bomb filled high I realize just how unprofessional I was in that moment.

Another thing that I probably shouldn't do at work is blog this story instead of writing a report. No gold star for me this week. Unless they are passing them out for most f-bombs dropped in one staff meeting, then I would for sure win.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Disease of the Week (it's more exciting and more reliable than my attempts at book of the week)

Last week there was a break from the sickness that invades my office. Maybe because I was only at work for 2 days. Well today Valley Fever walked into my office. I don't know what it is, and to be honest I am afraid to look. Looking up Scarlet Fever on WebMD scared the crap out of me. Instead of online Christmas shopping I think I am going to look for Hazmat suits. And possibly investing in the Airborne company.

Monday, November 27, 2006

1 large latte with 5 packets of sugar, 2 cinnabons, and 3 cheese on a stick-- it must be lunch time at the coast

While this wasn't my lunch it was consumed by my aunt while we were shopping (umm food court). I am sad to report I did not have a cinnabon this year. I was under some false impression that by not eating one cinnabon I would not gain any weight. I gained more tablespoons of butter than I would care to think about, but it was worth it. We went to a restaurant for Thanksgiving dinner and I swear they served donuts as the first appetizer. Most of my family is a member of the WW, and it became a donut massacre. One person only ate half of their donut hole and had to choose who would get the other half. It almost turned ugly. They also served chocolate chips, whipped cream, and cinnamon with every cup of coffee. It was delicious. If you can't tell I am back to eating sensibly, and it will take me about a day to not be so food obsessed.

My mini vacation was great. It took my father and I about 4 hours to travel to a place that is only 2.5 hours away. And no I didn't get to sleep a wink. But I did have a rousing conversation about the price of crops (sucks to be a farmer), and whether or not Hilary will be president (definitely maybe).

The coast was beautiful. Here at home it has been so dreary, spending 4 days in the sun was fabulous. I even got a back tan (I always forget to roll over when I lay out). The company was fabulous too. Everyone was in a great mood, and there was a lot of laughing. Even on the last day I was able to laugh as my uncle began to yell "everyone needs to just stop eating. How can we finish cleaning if you keep eating." To which I asked him to hand me something out of the fridge. Maybe you had to be there.

I also got to spend a lot of time with my cousins which I loved. At one point I was talking to a cousin about who she should marry, Kevin Kinkirk (from seventh heaven) or Brad Pitt. My cousin still sleeps with her parents, so my choice was Brad. Laughingly I told her mom, the new family bed could be my cousin, brad, his kids and her parents. Again I think you had to be there.

Another cousin also came with his 5 month old baby who is so adorable. He is a little Buddha baby and just had the best time being held by everyone. I know he loved me the best though because he threw up on me 3 times (I am taking that to mean he felt very safe and secure in my arms). We also had fun making up new names for the baby. Heavy lunch and bunch of lunch were my two favorites. I can't wait to see bunch of lunch again.

On our last day we went to church (and very early I must say). My father and I were a little late and standing in the back. I assumed we would stand for the entire service. During the last 10 minutes my father decides he wants to sit down. This was during a very quiet point and we totally disrupted this gentleman sitting at the end of a pew. We totally ruined his whole service, and when it came time to offer peace to one another, he did so very grudgingly. He then booked it right after communion. After the service my dad made a joke about how many people he could run over or startle by honking. We also laughed about how mad we made the guy who had to move. Not our holiest moment, but it was funny.

The drive home went by a little faster. It only took us 3.5 hours. The funny part is that we stopped for a half an hour when we were about 10 minutes from home. 10 minutes. I had a good snowman cookie though, so I have no complaints. I miss it already (the coast and the snowman cookie.)

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

So far I have lost 576 tablespoons of butter (which is how my friend measures her weight loss)

I have to share because I am excited. I have been on Weight Watchers (or the WW as I like to call them) for almost a year now. I haven't been the best at it (trying to follow points and study for finals is more than my brain can handle). But I am pleased to say that as of today I am only 6 pounds away from my first goal. Here's hoping I can resist eating 4500 calories worth of stuffing (my biggest thanksgiving weakness). I am working really hard (or thinking about working hard) to reach a goal by May (when one of my good friends gets married). If I have to go to the wedding alone, then I would like to be a little skinnier (and richer, and tanner, but those are really beyond me). Anyhoo, I had better go back to packing. We haven't left yet for the coast because of the fog outside, and I have not packed a thing yet.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Are We There Yet???

In about 20 hours I am headed for my Thanksgiving vacation. Me and my dad driving to the coast where most of my family will be spending Thanksgiving. I am so excited I can't even stand it. Here's to a 4 hour car trip with Murph, driving to a place that is only about 3 hours away (Murph likes to take his time). I like to believe I will get to sleep, but no doubt he will bring up some political something and I will get mad. I am also hoping we can listen to music this trip. He's a talk radio kind of man, and that is nothing more than a form of torture for me. This year I am bringing a secret weapon. I have 2 Beatles cd's and I know by playing them I will get the history of each song, at least it's not Rush Limbaugh.

I can't wait to see the ocean, but the best part of this trip is that for 5 days I get to spend time with my family. I always feel so busy with work and school, so to just be able to sit and talk with my grandmother, or play with my youngest cousin (who's like 5 months old and a total Buddha baby) is a blessing. I love that we have a huge dinner in a restaurant somewhere. Hopefully everyone has a great meal (lets not forget the French fiasco that was last year). But even the bad meals are wonderful because of the company. I also love that on Friday we will go shopping, and every year I have ideas of grandeur. I think I am going to get all my Christmas shopping done, but in reality I will probably only get a cinnabon (for myself, not a gift).

I hope everyone has a safe and happy Thanksgiving. I hope you have great food and better company, and of course, a cinnabon on Friday.

I want to leave you with this thought. My coworker just came in and told me that on average people eat about 4500 calories during Thankgiving dinner. Yummy.

Monday, November 20, 2006

"Maybe Scarlet Fever. It's a better color for Christmas"-- A Christmas in Connecticut

Since beginning my new job a lot of my clients have been sick. It started out slowly with a cold here or the flu there. Then came pink eye, and my office was scrubbed down and Lysol'ed for the greater good. So I come into work today (all the while counting down to Wednesday when I leave for Thanksgiving break), and I find out my client with a fever last week who went home early had SCARLET FEVER!! WTF is this???? Sounds deadly.

Okay so I looked it up on WebMD and it is form of strep throat (the form that Beth got in the Little Women). On that site it never talked about adults getting it, but even writing that just feels like a dare to the Gods.

I am frightened of what the next two days will bring. I am guessing Monkey Pox. Anyone else care to make a guess? I think next year I will try and work for the CDC. What cracks me up is that no other person in this office has seen the sickies like I have. I must be sending out a message to the universe.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

A Moral dilemma

WWYD if....

You had a really expensive bottle of lotion...
You bought it but realized you couldn't wear it because the smell made a migraine worser than worse....
So you offered to give it to a friend...
And then your cleaning lady came...
And moved it....
You didn't know she moved it...
And you accidentally knocked it in the toilet....
But the toilet was exceptionally CLEAN (thanks cleaning lady)...
You fished it out real quick...
And the top was on the whole time (and no water got into the lotion as far as you can tell)...

Do you still give it to your friend (without telling her), because you know that if you tell her she will throw it out and you HATE wasting money...
(and this post does not apply to anyone local who reads it- I promise!!!)?
So how would you handle this....

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

I may be smart, but I'm no Nancy Drew (or the mystery of the sweet smelling dead lady)

Well I finally figured out the maple brown sugar oatmeal smell (in case you were wondering). I couldn't shake it all night, and to be honest I was beginning to worry. In my head this could only mean one of two things: a) I was either having an olfactory halluncination, which is not good. Or b) I had some strange disease that, as my body is slowly decomposing, (and my eyes begin to melt away) lets off a sweet oatmeal smell (I would have hoped it would be called Quakerbola and not Monkey Virus #5), which would also not be good. There's worst case scenario's, then there is what I come up with.

The smell turned out to be neither a psychotic break or Quakerbola. Rather it was the ear drops I put in my ear last night. Weird that my ear drops smell like breakfast. But I am glad I am not dying.

Oh and something funny for my local readers. Every Monday night one news station asks local doctors what they are treating most that week. Most doctors said strep throat and the flu or colds, but one doctor actually said strep throat, flu like symptoms and Chlamydia. The news caster then stated, "Chladmydia is the number one most common STD." I guess having oatmeal smelling ears isn't so bad anymore.

Monday, November 13, 2006

"Tiger, I can't sleep" (alternate title: I think Death smells like maple brown sugar oatmeal)

When I can't sleep I think of that episode from Kipper in which good old Kip has insomnia. I went home early today because I woke up feeling crappy. All muscles aching and upset stomach. It seems everyone in my family has the flu, but I haven't been around them so how the heck did I get sick? I made it as long as I could and then went home an hour early. I took a hot bath and tried to sleep but I kept waking up. At 9 I conceded defeat and got out of bed. Weird but I kept smelling what I thought was maple brown sugar oatmeal. I can't figure it out, since I haven't eaten oatmeal in a week. So my best guess is death is following me. Or maybe my sense of smell is off and what I am really smelling are the muffins I made yesterday. It could really go either way. I am going to make my second attempt at sleep. Wish me luck, as I have to wake up early to make up for leaving early.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Ebay here I come...

I have a lot of crap. Crap that was given to me by my mother mostly, although some other "gifts" I have received from friends and other family members are making it into my crap pile. I wasn't sure what to do with it, and finally decided to try selling it on Ebay. I have no experience selling things on Ebay so any advice anyone has is greatly appreciated. And if anyone is looking for gold moccasins size 10 drop me a line. Here goes nothing....

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

It's Shat-rageous!!! (alternate title to this post: ("You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means" -the Princess Bride).

I was all set to write this depressing post about my family life. My day was not great to begin with: it started off with me taking a walk and seeing a used condom on the ground (okay that was gross and a little funny if I am being honest). Then I went to vote, and I totally forgot my practice ballot and I forgot how I was going to vote on some issues and voted wrong. Then I had a sinus headache that wouldn't go away. It all cumulated in a phone call to my mom. I made the damn call so I have no one to blame but myself, but it was still sucky. My mom is not doing well today and talking to her for 15 minutes almost made me cry the whole way home. So here I am driving depressed, and trying not to cry and I swear every song on the radio was sad (Thanks to Barenaked Ladies, The Fray, Daniel Powter, and Matt Kearney for the music). In a way it helped (I sang it out), but my mood didn't improve until I made a great meal of spaghetti squash with marinara, mushrooms, and Italian sausage. So maybe the depressed feelings could have been explained by intense hunger (and the freaking fact that I am once again doing weight watchers, and all I want is a quarter pounder with cheese), or the fact that I am PMSing like nobody's business (I have already cried on the way home from work a few nights over the last several days). Either way drive home sucked, and I was sad. I was just beginning to blog about my great saga of a day, when I heard this phase on ABC advertising William Shatner's new game (Show Me the Money): "You don't know Shat!" Wait...What did they say...Doesn't that mean what I think it means?!?!? The commercial went on to talk about how it was going to be "Shat-rageous!" and "Shat-eriffic!" By now I am snorting, but not 100% sure this means what I think it means. So I looked it up on and here is the official definition:

Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.
American Heritage Dictionary - Cite This Source
shat shitt) Pronunciation Key
v. Vulgar Slan.
A past tense and a past participle of shit.

Yep, I was right!!! Thanks ABC you made my night. When I am sad or depressed in the future I am going to think "shat-rageous" How in the hell did this pass through the ranks of ABC to become a national commercial? I am still smiling. Even though the election results in my state are starting to come out and so far the man I want for Governor and Lt..Gov. are not winning. All I can say is it's freaking shat-eriffic!

Monday, November 06, 2006

Driving Miss Emily

I will admit that I watched Oprah and Gayle's big cross country adventure with a sense of wonderment and awe. How cool would it be to travel cross country with someone you love? This has been on my list of things to do before I die for a long time now. As of Sunday my list of potential people to travel with shortened by one. I could barely make it 12 hour adventure with my mother (Emily), traveling only 3 hours away from home.

My brother's birthday was Sunday. He is a year younger than me (we are Irish twins) and he lives about 3 hours away from me with his girlfriend and her young son. My mother called me last week and asked what I thought of driving up to see him for his birthday. I wasn't thrilled with the idea to say the least. But I knew she would need a driver so I told her I would drive her up if she wanted to go. I made guesses to myself the night before about how much longer this trip would take, because my mother likes to stop a lot for smoking and bathroom breaks. Without fail she will also need to stop where the only thing around is the grossest/scariest place to try and urinate without picking up a random toilet disease.

Well we left town only 45 minutes off schedule, after convincing my mother my car didn't need to be washed because it was only going to get dirtier as we travel. She also travels with her special blend of soda (1/2 black cheery vanilla coke, 1/2 diet rite in case your interested in the recipe), carrying enough for a two week adventure.

The way up went pretty smooth. At the second stop she decided she wanted breakfast, Jack in the Box here we come. I don't eat a lot of Jack in the box, and never have I had their breakfast, but I think I know what to expect. Teenagers taking my order who give really give a flying you know what, food made quickly also by someone who could care less, and a sense of bloating after consuming the 3000 calorie breakfast sandwich. Here's what I encountered but did not expect from Jack; about 3 million flies trying to bum a free meal (both in the restaurant and outside, my theory is someone killed Jack and his body is slowly decomposing by the fries), the man/boy who took the order to then wipe his nose on his sleeve several times (thanks be he did not touch Emily's food), and to wait 15 minutes for a breakfast sandwich to go). I felt ill watching mom eat her fried egg sandwich. Thanks Jack.

We made three more stops before we eventually hit our destination. Once again mapquest left out pertinent information regarding my driving directions, but being on to their tricks, I called my brother's g.f. at the first sign of trouble.

The family lunch went as well as can be expected. My mother is in a place of remembering the past, which can be heart warming and funny. Like, "remember when you and Kevin threw my spanking spoons away, so I couldn't spank you anymore?" (true story, and while the spankings were never reportable or anything, to this day I can't have a white plastic spoon in my kitchen) or "remember when you (my brother) sold all my gold necklaces to kids in the neighborhood for $1 a piece?" Ahh the memories. At one point my mom asked my brothers g.f. how her tootsies (feet) are doing (since she is pregnant with twins more to come). I heard my mom say it, and I knew what she meant, but I also know it sounded a lot like titties and that is apparently what the g.f heard, and what she commented on. I sat in between them, frozen in my uncomfortableness trying desperately to reach my happy place. Finally we all had a good laugh about the misunderstanding, and it's safe to say we all know more than we should about her ta-ta's.

Not to eat and run, but I was so tired after lunch, and knew we had a long drive ahead of us, all I wanted to do was leave. But first we had to have cake and icecream back at their place. I also got to watch as my brother gave my mom hid g.f.'s old shorts and state they were her old maternity clothes, but we think they'll fit you. I laughed inside at my brother's lack of good taste, and knew my mom was pissed. We left about 2 hours later than I wanted to.

The ride home truly was hell on earth. The nice thing about everyone getting together is talking about the past, but with my mom it also dregs up all the bad memories, and she has no filter. So for an hour and some change I listened to the complaints. I finally was able to change the subject but I was in a bad mood, and my mom was still in a negative mood, so everything else she brought up was negative. My mom also chose to stop in places that made the scary Jack in the Box look golden. At one stop I stayed in the car (because I thought it would get stolen) and almost saw a gang fight. I was also tired of facing disgusting bathrooms and made a pledge to hold it till I got home (and by sheer bladder force I did).

I finally made it back to my home some 12 hours after my trip began. I was totally drained and ready for bed. But then of course I couldn't sleep. But at least I survived this trip.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Happy Halloween!!

So far I have baked 9 loaves of apple zucchini bread and made 5 caramel apples (3 of them being chocolate caramel apples). The sad part is none was for me. It was all for my co-workers and my landlord. As a child this was one of my favorite holidays. I loved dressing up and I really love candy. One of my favorite memories from college was going to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show on Halloween. I even dressed up. At the time I thought I looked very sexy. Considering my college dress was jeans and a sweat shirt, it was sexy for me. But looking back at pictures I can really see what a prude I am (smile). No slutty Halloween costumes for me.

I hope everyone has a safe and fun Halloween! If you are in my neighborhood I will be passing out candy with Murph (aka dad) so come by and say hi!

As I was finishing this post I found out that someone at work has pink eye, and the carrier monkey was all over my office yesterday. That is not a nice treat at all. I really hope that my costume this year does not involve gunky, infected eyes!

Monday, October 30, 2006

What's my age again?

In my family I think it is safe to say I am closest to my father. He and I are similar in temperament and enjoy many of the same things (such as community service and Broadway plays). We disagree on politics (he continues to believe that Schwarzenegger is the best thing to hit California since Junipero Serra), and radio stations (he sees nothing wrong in taking a 4 hour car trip listening only to AM stations, while I would rather carve my own eyes out), but he is a great guy. A great guy with a horrible memory, that is. It is well known that he can't remember the names of people or products, but I always thought he remembered the important stuff (like my name and age). How wrong I was. So last week he called me up to tell me he met the dean of students at my high school. Did I remember this person? No I did not. "That's okay," my dad says, "he didn't remember you either. But he asked what year you graduated, so he could look you up. So I told him late 80's." I started laughing, and asked my father, "How old do you think I am? You just added 10 years to my life!" He said he remembered that I graduated from high school in 96, and he just said the wrong date, but apparently he sees me and thinks 38 and not 28. Nice.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Analyze this...

For the next 28 weeks I have to attend therapy (it is a requirement at my school to graduate). I have been wanting therapy for a while but money is always tight, so I didn't start till I was 30 weeks away from graduation. My first session was last week, and I think it went well enough. I did this nervous smile the entire hour and well at some points it felt more like a facial tic than a smile. Nice. We mainly did the intake interview. So this week we finished the intake, going more into detail about my family. At the end of the session my therapist looks at me, looks down at her notes, looks at me again and says "Wow. I mean this is...Wow! Well at least we'll have a lot to work on." I mean don't get me wrong I know my family is crazy, but crazy enough to make a therapist speechless?!? This made me laugh the whole way home. I think I am going to enjoy being therapized.

Monday, October 23, 2006

A Funny Thing Happened on the way to the "Argonne" Party...

So this Friday was supposed to be the Arbonne party. I excitedly invited everyone I knew, and imagined the fun. Not in my imaginations: everyone but 2 people canceling because of a conflicting party (can foot scrubs really compete with beer and karaoke?). And then losing the 2 people to illness. So Friday night turned into being me and my dad having dinner at Bakers Square (I was impressed with the salmon). My father has also taken to calling "Arbonne" "Argonne." The funny thing about my dad is that with a lot of people and products he will be like one letter off. It cracks me up. Before this he spent about three weeks calling Bono from U2 Bono like Sonny Bono. I try to correct him and it doesn't help, so now I go with it.

I also had a great weekend hanging with my cousin and her two young children. After spending all week working with dysfunctional families or families in crisis, it's nice to spend some time seeing parenting done right. She never sees how great she is with her kids, she only sees the tantrums and crying in church. But I can see how quickly she is able to calm a tantrum, or how calmly she can handle a screaming child. She also takes real joy in being with her children. Most people take that for granted, that parents will just love to play with their kids, but that isn't always so. She is a wonderful mommy and I hope to be like her someday.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Book of the Week...

Because of my work I read a lot of children's books. My book of the week is one that I have read a few times this week. I am a big fan of any book that can slip the word "diarrhea" into the text. I enjoyed all of Jamie Lee Curtis' books, but this one has kept me entertained throughout the week (maybe it's just the anticipation of parents reading aloud to their kids, and then getting to "diarrhea"--makes me smile just thinking of their reactions).

Thursday, October 19, 2006

True Story... And if you like spiders don't read further...

So a few nights ago I was driving home from work. There is a lot of road work happening on my drive home and a big concrete wall to my left. I am driving along minding my own business, probably singing along to "The Fray" when I see something out of the corner of my eye. Oh hell to the NO! It was a spider swinging from it's web about 5 inches from my face! I am extremely arachnophobic. I mean really scared of spiders, even little ones. I contemplated crashing the car, I mean it would mean death to my little eight legged friend, but I may get hurt, so no. Then I decide to chance it. I say a little prayer to the patron saint of car alignment, take my eyes off the road, and attack the spider with a Kleenex. I think maybe all I did was throw Kleenex at the spider until I knocked it off, but either way it was away from my face. I then spent the last 30 minutes of my drive convinced there were spiders all over my head. I must have looked odd driving down the road periodically hitting my own head.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

My First Time...


I had been waiting for my first time for as long as I could remember. I would hear my parents talk about it, and knew that was what I wanted to do. I was really jealous of people who did it in high school. I didn't turn 18 until I was already into my first semester of college and I remember my first time voting like it was yesterday.

I was so excited. Sure that my vote was going to make a huge difference in the world around me. I remember the polling booth was somewhere on campus (probably the library or the cafeteria) and it was a presedential election year, so I was really excited. Clinton was going to win for sure thanks to my vote. For a long time I was passionate about voting. If you want the world to change, you have to let your voice be heard.

I am alot more cynical about voting these days. My goal now is simply to cancel out my dad's vote. That has my voter responsibilty, and we now see who can get to the polls first. I am disgusted by the negative ad campaigns that almost everyone has these days, and by the fact that no matter who seems to be in office, nothing seems to change.

But then every couple of years around fall I begin to hope again. I start to think, "well maybe this year will be different." And I begin to imagine how my vote will change the world. Better schools, better health care, better mental health care, better roads, better politicians. Who knows maybe this year it might just work. I still think that if I want to change the world I have to let my voice be heard. Let your voice ring out too. Go out and vote.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Of taking walks, betting the ponies, and a trunk full of skin care products

Now that the weather is getting colder, I have decided to take a walk every morning (well except this morning because I needed sleep). I have taken about 4 walks around my neighborhood over the past week. I wish I could tell you about all the beautiful trees and leaves changing colors. Or even about how pretty the sky looked. I saw none of that. I am a klutz, and as such when I walk I am constantly looking down. I have to watch where I am stepping or I will fall (hell even when I watch where I am stepping I fall). I love talking walks, and maybe someday I will be able to tell you about the world around me. I won't hold my breath...

Last Friday I went to the horse races. I was so excited for about a month leading up to this. I am not into most sports. I don't get them and I don't really want to get them. My brain can only absorb so much, and I would hate for it to get full on the rules of basketball. But I love horse racing. I have never ridden a horse, and to be honest they kind of scare me, but I think horse racing rocks. I don't know if it is the speed of the horses, or watching really small men race while I eat a corn dog, or maybe even watching those same small men race in hot pink jersey's with flowers and lightening bolts. Either way I love this sport. I went with some friends and we had a great time. I taught them my betting strategy (I'll tell you too- I match all my colors up, if one jockey is wearing red, then I am going to find other jockeys to match his, or I pick all the oldest horses in the race, it's very scientific stuff). Needless to say I lost all my money. And because my friends used my system they lost all their money too. But I loved it. In the box next to me was this old man who every time a race start would scream obscenities and endearments at the horse. My favorite was when he shouted "Don't you fucking lose! Don't you quit me!" Very Seabuscuit meets Brokeback Mountain. And all of this was shouted at the top of his lungs as he was sucking down a cigarette. Ah the magic of the races. I always come away broke, and yet I can't wait for next year.

And lastly, my cousin is selling Arbonne products now, and she has got a couple more cousins to go in with her. Every time you turn around there is an Arbonne party happening somewhere close by. So I have gone to all of them (hello free foot scrubs). I promised my cousin she could have a party at my dad's house, so I was talking last night to confirm plans with him. And he is convinced that my cousins are trying to unload all this merchandise they bought. I tried to explain that it was like Mary Kay and they don't actually have any merchandise on them, but he kept talking about how they need to unload all their stuff fast. So basically my dad thinks that Arbonne is just a big gang of girls with great skin who sell other girls (with not-so-great skin) merchandise at a discount out of their trunk. Works for me.

Monday, October 09, 2006

So there was a drunk girl on "The Bachelor in Rome" (and yes I watched most of "The Bachlelor in Rome"- don't you judge me)

So today was not the best day (long story short, my car is in the shop and it was cost about 800 to fix), and I got home and felt blah. Made dinner and still felt blah. Just about to go to bed when I saw a little of "The Bachelor". I am not really a fan, but this made me laugh. This girl got so drunk on the Riviera, and she fell over the camera man and passed out. And then she thought the Bachelor was a waiter and got belligerent. Smile. Thanks ABC... Going to bed now.

Just kidding. So the Bachelor is still on and it went back to being yucky. To quote the Paris Hilton of texas, "So I totally want a rose tonight because he is a Prince, not a commoner, and like he totally needs me." Not a commoner?!? Umm I could be wrong but Texas is not a kingdom and she is not royalty. Damn this show is gross. What's grosser than gross, he gave a rose to the princess of Texas. I think I just vurped.

Deep breath (must remember the drunk girl, oh and she totally ignored the fact that she was drunk and told him it was hot and she just wanted a cat nap.) And then, she got made when she didn't get a rose. "How can you not understand that it was hot and I was tired." Well now I am tired and going to bed.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Something else not cool..

Running around from store to store trying to find something to wear to a wedding. Spend a ton of money. Get home. Try everything on. And decide you are going to wear what you already have. Dammit.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Note to Self...


You hate housework. You put it off till the last possible minute (i.e. someone is coming over). So when you clean, listen to upbeat music (like "I heart the 80's) and not the soundtrack to "City of Angels." Trying to attempt house cleaning as you get sadder and sadder is not cool. Just a thought.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

My two cents...

So far I have held my tongue on the Foley scandal, but I read something today and I felt I needed to comment about. I basically feel disgust at the whole thing and then in to my office today I read this on the internet. I would like to respond to this, specifically to the last sentence of the article which states, "Had Foley lived his life openly and been proud of who he is, this never would have happened."

To Mr. Rodgers (the man who said this). Actually this would have never happened if Mark Foley (a 50 something man) had not been attracted to adolescent boys. Lets not confuse the issue. Being gay does not equal being attracted to adolescent boys (unless you are an adolescent boy yourself). Whatever is in him that thought these actions were okay, is not due to the fact that he is gay.

I hope that he gets help, but I think he will need a lot more than alcohol rehab (which is also not the reason this occurred). It's my opinion that he needs sexual offender therapy. He also really needs to know that he can't be around adolescents anymore (as in no more instant messaging the teens). While I am glad that there was never any physical abuse, I feel like it was only a matter of time. I also think charges also need to be filed. What he did needs a consequence, and it should take more than "I am sorry" or "I was molested by a priest" or "I am gay" to fix it. Stepping off my pedestal now. Good night

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Book of the Week....

I was thinking. I like to read. And I like to blog. Why not bring the two together (picture me folding my hands together). I think I will try to highlight one of the books I read a week.

So far I have started the new Virginia Kantra book and I like it. A lot. It is a murder mystery set in the south and I have brought this book to work with me, so that if I have a free moment I can keep reading. I like the character development. If you like murder mysteries with a romance slant, check it out. Okay now I feel like I am on Reading Rainbow. Which was a childhood dream of mine. I always pictured Lavar Burton finding me in the library and asking me to talk about all the books I like. That would have rocked. Sigh. Anyway, happy reading.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Me love you long time...

First off I want to say thanks to Holly from Hollyrhea for my super cool flax pack. I get migraines and sinus headaches, and this is my new best friend.

Isn't it lovely?!? If you want your own sweet smelling flax-pack head over to her site and check them out.

Secondly I have to admit a guilty pleasure. I was driving home from work tonight and I heard Fergie's new song, "London Bridge."
Yes I sang along. It makes me laugh. But I have a question. Is London Bridge a euphemism for her Va-jay-jay? If you know the meaning of the song let me know.

Third I got a compliment today. I went out to dinner with a couple of friends from High school, and one of them said, "wow you look nice. You look like you work in a law office." It's a weird but nice compliment. So I guess I look like either:


It could really go either way

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Is it too late to knock on wood...

Last night when I wrote that I felt better I apparently issued a challenge to the Gods. I tossed and turned all night. When I wasn't tossing and turning I was at first praying I wouldn't throw up and then I thought, what the hell just throw up and get it over with already. I couldn't breathe easily and the achiness returned. So now I take my statement back. I feel like crap on a stick. Here's hoping it doesn't get any worse (knocking on my desk as I type this)...

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Back to office...

Well after 3 days of waiting my head never did explode, so I guess I'll go back to work. My fever is gone and I no longer feel achy. I still have a head cold, but compared to how I felt yesterday this is cake. Not really looking forward to all the stuff that has piled up while I was gone though. At least I only have 2 days left till Saturday. I guess I have to go now and iron something for tomorrow. Ugh.

Monday, September 25, 2006

For those moments when you sneeze so hard you almost pee your pants....

So I have been dreaming of a Monday off. I would clean and do laundry, and maybe even work on some crafty things I have wanted to do. This would be a great day, birds would sing, I would be well rested, and the world would finally come to a peace agreement. Instead I spent my Monday taking excedrin, airborne, and praying my head would just explode already. I got a sore throat last night, and woke up every couple of hours to gargle with salt water. Real sexy I know. I went to the store this morning and bought lozenges and soup, more airborne, and kleenex.

I would just like to take a moment and thank the parent that brought their child to see me, knowing they were sick. And the co-worker who had this plague before me, and sat next to me during a training writing me notes about how he was going to begin explosively throwing up and any moment. I wrote you a note saying I didn't blame you, but I lied. You rat bastard. Did I mention I get meaner that normal when I am sick. Good times.

Did I mention the same coworker (the rat bastard) wrote me back and said the length of this bug was about 2 weeks. You get sick, feel better, and then get sick again. Oh hell to the no!

Sunday, September 24, 2006

"Wherever they burn books they will also, in the end, burn human beings." Heinrich HEINE
Almansor: A Tragedy, 1823
Used as inscription on memorial at Dachau concentration camp
German poet (1797-1856)

"I don't want to be shut out from the truth. If they ban books, they might as well lock us away from the world." Rory Edwards, 12, Washington Post, Getting It Down at Writing Camp

Anyone who knows me even a little knows how much I love to read. That is why this week is important to me. This is Banned Book Week and if you have a chance take a look at all the books that have been banned at one time or another. I don't know how to link yet so please go to:

There was never a banned book in my house, so this concept is foreign to me. I can remember being in the 5th or 6th grade and reading the "Flowers in the Attic" series. My father once asked me about what I was reading, so I told him the story of this incestuous brother and sister, and how much they loved each other (I may have even teared up, I was kind of a weird kid). Don't get me wrong he looked at me like I was crazy, but he never told me I couldn't read them. He simply took me to the library when I was done, to get more books. I also feel kinda cool knowing I have read so many banned books.

***The quote I used for the title I read at the place where they burned books in Nazi Germany in the 1930's. It it across from Humboldt University in Berlin. Tquoteute is on a plaque on the ground, and next to it is a window in the ground that shows row after row of empty bookcases. The bookcases represent all the books that were burned during this time. ****

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Can't wait for tonight at 9:00!

The new season of Grey's Anatomy will begin. I am so excited!

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Love to eat. Hate to cook.

So tonight what I should have done was stop by the closest restaurant and pick something up.

What I did was go grocery shopping.

And when I got home the ghost of dinners future was warning me to just have a bowl of cereal.

My inner chef even tried to make a good frozen dinner. I said, "no way I am going to cook something I love and have made a thousand times." It was the same damn thing I made yesterday. Tonight it was horrible! The salmon tasted like the inside of a 70 year old smoker's mouth, and the frozen spinach tasted like soap.

I am vurping thinking about it. Then I tried to make a pie, and fucked that up too. I have never seen lumpy jello until tonight, but it tasted alright. Better than the salmon and spinach. It will be a while before I try that combo again. A very long time. I am going to go brush my teeth now. I really hate cooking.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

I can't sleep...

I have to wake up a hour earlier than normal, so this is really not a good time to have energy. I figured since I can't sleep I might as well blog.

I went to a film festival this weekend and it was so much fun. I saw movies that I probably would never have seen otherwise, and I got to hang out with my friends which is always great.

One game my friends and I have is to think up words we really like (I'll be the first to admit we are big ol' dorks). Usually I suck at this game, but it's fun hearing their choices. Well ladies and gents I have my word.

Two of the movies I saw used the word "verboten" and I realized how much I love this word. I don't usually use this word in my daily life, but now I feel challenged to bring it into my conversations. And I challenge anyone reading this to try and use this word too. And think up any words you really like, but maybe don't use in every day talk.

I am also in the process of fixing up my living room and I recently used a wall to hang up some of my favorite pictures. I think it looks really good and I keep walking into the living room and turning on the lights so I can see it. Like I said big ol' dork.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Oh Hell to the No...

So my brother called tonight and asked me what medications are good for bipolar. I asked why (stupid stupid stupid I know). And he said he thinks he has this and wants to know what meds to take. I said it depended on his diagnosis and asked if he had insurance. He said no and he wasn't going to get it, that he doesn't want a record of his mental health issues, so he'd get someone to get him meds with no record (yeah we call that illegal). I have been talking to him for the last thirty minutes trying to convince him to get a psychological eval through proper legal channels. He is now trying to convince me that every member of my family is bipolar (except for me and maybe our dad, the jury is still out on him) and that's how he knows he's bipolar. Wait I think there is a breakthough. He actually said he would listen to me, because I knew what I was talking about. What the hell? I think my brother has multiple personality disorder because the person who just hung up the phone was sure as hell not my bro. WOW. I am in shock I am also trying to clean before my cleaning lady comes tomorrow. I hate cleaning for the cleaning lady.

Oh and I forgot to talk about my fav celebrity couple. Bobbie Brown and Whitney Houston are calling it quits. Who will I make fun of now?? I would just like to take a minute to thank Whitney for my favorite saying. Oh hell to the no!

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Can Parakeets commit suicide???

So my mother has birds. 4 parakeets to be exact. And she loves them. A lot. She has already lost 2 and is can't stand the thought of losing another. We were talking tonight and she was telling me that one of the birds keeps dropping off her perch onto the floor, and once even got her self hung up in some rope. She is telling me this and laughing about what a clown this bird is, and I am thinking "OMG it's trying to kill itself." I mean c'mon if I lived in a small cage with 3 other things and a lady kept trying to pet me, yeah I think I'd jump. I am just hoping this little jumper waits a while before she dies.

Friday, September 08, 2006

The good news of this week....

I forgot to mention that when I started this blog I sent an email to Anne Taintor, who is one of my favorite artists, and asked if I could use a picture in my blog. Well Christina wrote back and said I could! Yeah for me. Thanks Anne Taintor! I think it will be too small on the profile picture, so I would like to add it to the header. I would also like to be able to link it to Anne Taintor's website. If anyone has any suggestions please let me know. If you want to check out the website head over to

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

3 things I heard today at work....

"Wow, you match today- even your shoes match!" Since I am very proud of my shoes I am going to take this comment as a compliment. A compliment from a socially inept person. And for the record, I match every day dammit.

"We have to stroke the files" Hands making stroking movements as this is being said.

"Group grope." Unfortunately this is a lot less fun than it implies.

Needless to say the staff meeting was a lot of fun today. Two hours of migraine inducing fun.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

The price of one Chinese dinner and a to-go bag of grapes and bad chicken: $8,000...

So earlier this morning I filled out a questionnaire about relationships. One of the questions asked how well you are able to say no to family requests. That it stuck in my mind should have been a warning...

My mother called me on my lunch break, and stated she had a quick question. She found a truck she wants to buy and could she put it in my name (and list her and grandma as the drivers). WTF?!? I wanted to ask why but I needed to get off the phone. I know that any question involves a long answer. I tried to redirect. I told her my credit was not good thanks to the large amount of student loans I have. Well, the slimy MF'ing car salesman was right beside her and said, "Not a problem! We can work around that!" [Comment to the car salesman: How about you shut your pie-hole and not try to make a commission off a shady deal? Hmm, could you do that?]

Did I say no to my mother? No, I did not. Because I'd rather suck it up and avoid the hell that my saying no would cause. Being that this is my mother, and she has done this to me before, I am a little happy she asked me first. Maybe I can have some control over the situation (it's a futile attempt I know). Last, but not least, I did not say no because I am a wimp who will avoid confrontation right up the bitter end. I knew dinner last night was too good to be true. Even bad chicken has a price. I am sure there is more to come with this story…

Sunday, September 03, 2006

El Pollo Loco...

Tonight I had dinner with my mother and grandmother. I was kind of nervous because I never know what kind of a mood my mother will be in. Before I even arrived she thought I had died. Apparently she tried to call me today to confirm plans, and when I didn't answer my cell phone she assumed I was desd. No joke, she really thought I was lying dead in a morgue somewhere. We talked before I arrived, and it went okay. I am glad I didn't just arrive because she might have had a heart attack thinking I was a zombie (my mother reads a lot of horror stories and has a weak grasp on reality).

Surprisingly enough dinner went well. I would go so far as to call it nice. As I was leaving my grandmother made me a to-go bag of food. My grandmother is constantly worried that I am in dire need of boxed rice dishes. So she says, "I have chicken would you like it?" I respond with, "Sure, so long as I can freeze it (I hate to cook so I put it off for as long as possible)." To which she tells me the story of the chicken.

Apparently she got it from a neighbor. She says, "He's given us chicken before and it was..." And then she made the face of someone with food poisoning, and did this thing with her hands that let me know that this chicken fought against the dying of the light. My grandmother, the woman who I thought loved me beyond anything, gave me bad chicken! So I smiled as I took it from her, said thank you, and hugged her. It may be my last hug if I eat that god-forsaken frozen meat, so I made it count. I need to go now and throw away el pollo el muerto. Remind me to tell you one day about the casserole...

Saturday, September 02, 2006

True Story...
As if I didn't already need a reason to start this blog. My brother calls me today and his girlfriend gets on the phone to say hi. As we are talking he says something to her and she says, "no I am not telling her-- that is gross." So like a demented person I say "tell me what?" And then she tells me. It appears that as she went to use the bathroom in his dirty apartment he came up and peed on her as she was peeing. This is my family. It is my blessing and curse. I am still eagerly awaiting the blessing part.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Long time reader first time blogger...

So I have been reading blogs for about a year now. About two weeks ago I decided to join the fun. I plan on using this as a place to vent and hopefully to laugh about the chaos in my life. One would think as a single woman (sans kids) life would be calm. Not with my family and friends. So here goes nothing.