Monday, March 31, 2008

No, I Don't Really Feel Lucky. Thanks For Asking.

An office manager called me to let me know I was "lucky" enough to be picked to attend a training at County Mental Health on how work their online training system. Then I get to come back and teach my new skills to others. First off, I am technology challenged (which is why this blog is so no frills). Secondly, the last training I went to at CMH I wanted to stab my eyes out with knitting needles. I need to remember to bring my knitting supplies. Just in case.
Maybe I Should Start Watching Prison Break Again...

Today I am mailing off my amended tax returns and the money I owe. Even though I have quadruple checked the forms (and my damn checks) I can't help but worry I missed something. Which means -worst case scenario: I will be arrested by the IRS (because they really want their $45.00) and sent to maximum security prison. And I can safely say I will not be okay in prison. I will have to kill someone to make everyone leave me alone. Then I will have to tattoo a tear on my face and I really hate needles (let alone prison needles). And I will have to learn how to make fried foods using nothing more than ground up prison meals I have smuggled back to my room, the oil from my unwashed hair, and a jimmy-jacked heat wand that was originally made to make tea. And thankfully I know in advance to avoid drinking the milk, so I won't get any diseases from that. This is all in my first week (of my 12 year sentence-which is what I am sure the judge will hand down).

Best Case Scenario: I will end up on a watch list for a while. You know, the she- can't-do-her-taxes-properly-and-we-need-to-make-sure-she-is-not-stealing-from-us list (SCDTPANTMSSINSFS for short). I am sure it will be similar to when I traveled to the Middle East one summer, and suddenly I was not able to fly without an orange sticker on everything (including me). This special treatment also included "random" searches of all my belongings every stop I had. Thankfully it did not include a strip search. The IRS doesn't strip search right?

Moral of the story-I am a pessimistic freak who doesn't have a lot to do at work today.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Serenity Now...

Did you ever have a day where nothing went right? Aside from being repeatedly told I was doing things wrong (and I have to say I hit a new high for the sheer number of people who corrected me). During lunch my spinach exploded in the office microwave and line of hungry women stared me down as I quickly tried to clean the mess. Just when I could see the light and it's time to go home a coworker tells me she googles me late at night. As I got into my car to go home I realized that this creepy moment is the highlight of my day. And I proceeded to set a measuring cup on fire as I cook dinner.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

If I Had A Million Dollars...

Because McGee is currently in a meeting I am able to sing out loud in my office. This song always makes me smile.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Best Contraception...

Saturday I shopped and lunched with Supermommy and her kids. Her little girl has entered into the terrible 2's with 2 months to spare. She has a scream that stops people in their tracks. Or maybe just me, but either way you could hear her screaming her displeasure from 10 cars away.

For lunch we had bagels and juice. Supermommy warned me to look away, because while her daughter is many things a neat eater is not one of them. The first time I gave her pb&j I vurped a little. During this lunch she was pretty good. I think she was too hungry to rub anything in her face, hair, or ears. I did well until I saw her juice cup, with the floating pieces of bagel and the swirling globs of cream cheese. Supermommy lifted the cup up a little and swished it like a fine wine, letting the food particles float in the juice, looked at me and said, "Isn't this the best contraception you've ever seen?" I told her it was better than the health video I saw in high school.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Well At Least He Wasn't 70

Many who know me well know that I am shy and I attract the greatest generation. My theory is that these gentleman know I will take care of them. I am pretty sure my pheromones smell like oatmeal and Ben-gay.

Last night I talked to a horse of a different color. As I was in line waiting to order sliced turkey at the supermarket, a man initiated conversation. You know, usual, do you live here (in the city not the store), what do you do, and are you analyzing me right now? I learned he was a truck driver whose route is Salt Lake City to Oakland. He hates it when other truck drivers curse on the CB radio and he refers to African Americans as "Negroes." This last piece shocked me and I didn't know what to say (besides the 1950's are calling and they want their word back). I also learned that he is married with 2 daughters, and he's trying to avoid putting his truck on a scale (why I was afraid to ask).

I was happy with myself for talking with him, until it felt like he was following me around the store. Then I just prayed I would get out before he killed me and left small pieces of my body along 1-5. Sure he was a freak. But he wasn't 70.

Monday, March 10, 2008


I think this will be my word of the day. Maybe because there is a bee hive in my roof near my front door, and it is unknown when the people who remove such things will be out. Or it could be due to the fact that I filed my tax return early, and then forgot to include a W-2. The tax refund I was so excited about has now been made smaller by the money I now owe the gov't.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Big Girl Purchase Take 2

Today my new bed is being delivred. Hopefully this one won't hurt, but even if it does I have a trial warrantly. Wish me luck.

Yesterday my cousin got married. During the dinner my mom and I were discussing how great the food was. My mom said she was full, and then pulled a ziploc bag out of her purse. And proceeded to fill it with all the tri-tip and turkey she did not ea then put the bag back in her purse. It was good tri-tip.

*not sure why the picture of the wedding cake is tilted. Every time I look at it on my computer it's rotated the right way.