Thursday, December 11, 2008

The Wrong Place To Be Thinking Of Her...

Yesterday I attended a funeral for a 16 year old who shot herself. I pray to God I never have to do something like that again. The church where the service was held was decorated for Christmas and it felt so wrong to see lighted trees surround a devastated family. During the service my mind kept repeating lines from Damien Rice's 9 Crimes.

Unfortunately this is the season for suicide. If you know someone who is down or who even made a joke about killing themselves take is seriously. If you are feeling like suicide is an option please call a friend or a family member, or even a suicide hotline such as 1800-SUICIDE or 1800-273-TALK. Help is out there.

I kept wondering what her mom and dad's last words to her were, and it reminded me how important it is to say I love you. So I am logging off to call my mom.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

The Pilgrims Secret Weapon: Kool-Aid

On my annual trek to the coast to celebrate Thanksgiving, my father told me the story of the pilgrims. I thought to share it with you...

"So the pilgrims came and they settled somewhere, Jonestown I think. The first year they were starving and the Indians saved them. By the second year the pilgrims killed all the Indians and took their land."

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Let the Turkey Extravaganza Begin...

In about 2 hours my holiday will begin with the annual dinner with my mom and grandma. So far the phone calls leading up to it have involved shame, guilt, mania, anger, and a grocery list for me to complete. Oh, wait I forgot the tears and the reference to my grandma and the family dog not living to see another Thanksgiving. Sigh. Tomorrow morning my father and I will make the annual trek to the coast to spend the weekend with his side of the family. At the end of it all I am thankful to have a loving family and another chance to make memories. Enjoy the weekend!

Monday, November 24, 2008

Life without MaGee

I came into work this morning to find out MaGee had resigned on Friday afternoon. Well, okay to be honest I knew Friday night because Stanley told me, but I was feeling sick with an ear infection and it did not register. Today was the first day in 15 months I walked into my office and did not worry about being overwhelmed with her life. It was quiet and weird because I thought people would ask about her and no one did (at least not to me). The next few weeks will be hard trying to carry her workload until someone new is hired. In a weird sense of foreshadowing I spoke to a co-worker on Tuesday and said my life at work would be drastically less stressful if she were gone. Now I guess it's time to see what life is like without her. This decision could not have been an easy one to make, so as I sign off tonight I offer her blessings and good fortune. I hope she finds what she is looking for. And I hope I don't look back on the year of MaGee and see it as my easiest (Stanley please hire someone qualified and easy to get along with).

Monday, November 10, 2008

If you judge people you have no time to love them. ~Mother Teresa

I live in a state that on election night voted to pass a constitutional amendment saying that marriage is only between a man and a woman. It was amazing to me that I could be so happy and sad on one night. I was thrilled to see Obama become our president elect. In the same moment watching the polling results come across for Prop 8 I felt heart sick and ashamed of my state. It has been about 2 weeks since election night and I still feel confused and dismayed at the behavior of the majority. I do not understand why it was so easy for people to happily discriminate against another. No one I know would dream of putting something on their lawn that was against marriage between Blacks and Whites, or Jews and Christians, but many people I know were proud to put Yes on 8 signs in their yards. The other thing that boggled my mind was the number of minority groups that were Yes on 8. In my Pollyanna world I see people who have experienced discrimination fighting the hardest to make sure it doesn't happen to someone else. But then I remember that people have a need to feel better about themselves that usually comes by bringing someone down.

I am not going to argue religion or faith when it comes to this topic. I fully understand that the majority of churches would not marry a gay or lesbian couple. That is an argument between you and your God. You don't believe the marriage rights of gay and lesbian people? The answer is easy. Don't marry someone of your same gender. But you should not have the right to impose your belief on someone else. Martin Luther King Jr. once said, "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice anywhere." I choose not to be a part of this injustice. I want to be able to look at my friends and my family and know I stood on the side of justice.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Feeling Proud of Myself...

I lasted for about 30 seconds last night watching Sarah Palin's speech. It was about 20 seconds longer than I expected.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

My preparation for the 8 hour read-a-thon last night--two Cups of Coffee, 4 Tylenol, 1 round of stress relief yoga... Totally worth it

So my book of the week is Acheron by Sherrilyn Kenyon. I finished it last night at 2:10am and was thinking about it when I woke up this morning. I am not as verbose as other critics, but I would whole heartedly recommend this series. Especially this book. My only warning would be that the first 400+ pages deal with themes of physical and sexual abuse, and in some ways it felt like I was reading "A Boy Called It" (another great but difficult read). For those of you who shy away from romance novels but who enjoy sci-fi or fiction with paranormal themes I think you would enjoy this series.

I am now back to finishing "New Moon" by Stephanie Myers. No doubt I will be talking about this series next week.

Happy Reading!

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

So Many Books, So Little Time...

One of the joys of getting older is realizing that as much as I want to read for hours at a time my body won't let me. My back and legs become sore, my eyes get tired, and I get a migraine. I now feel like sleep is now more important than reading and that makes me sad.

I bring this up because I have been waiting for a book to come out (Acheron by Sherrilyn Kenyon if you were curious). I picked it up today during my lunch break, so excited to go home AT 5PM and read the night away. At about 1pm I realized the pain in my head is not going away, and admitted I was getting a migraine. WTH?!? Sometimes it feels as if the universe is fucking with me. I am now drinking coffee so I can feel well enough to go home and read. It is still in my eyes, and now I have coffee jitters. Getting old sucks.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Sometimes life gets in the way of blogging...

I have not forgotten this place, I have just been super busy vacationing and then trying to get back into the swing of work. Hopefully this weekend I can update you on the agony and extasy that was my July. Until then I will leave you with a quote from Family Guy which is one of my favorite shows:

"Dad, what's the blow-hole for?"
"I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World."
- Chris and Peter

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

J'ai besoin de deux billets de train pour couvrir D'Ail...

I checked my blog analysis tonight and noticed I had a visitor from Paris, France. Lecteur bienvenu! Hopefully this stated "welcome reader" and not something inappropriate. It wouldn't be the first time a french to english translator burned me. In 1999 I spent 5 days in Paris as I traveled on my European tour. I spoke no French and would butcher it like a serial killer every time I attempted to speak. On my last day I was at the train station trying to get to Cap D'Ail, which is near Nice. Some how I ended up asking for two train tickets to Cap D'Adge, which is near Spain I think. Either way it was a 12 hour nightmare of train rides trying to find to get to our hostel. Which by the time we arrived that night was booked. We ended up spending 4 days in Nice and to this day it remains one of my favorite places. So thanks reader for reminding me of such a happy memory. I need to finish cleaning for my guest. Bonne nuit.
Speaking of Cleaning...

I have a friend coming to stay with me for the next two weeks. Because I am a social cleaner, I have been trying to rid my house of clutter so that she doesn't see how I really live. Besides the joy of a a living room with no boxes (I moved them under the kitchen table), I found a gift card for Borders for 25 dollars. I also found an evil eye ward from a trip to the Middle East in 2000. I figured it would be good to have in my office, what with all the puppets facing me, so I placed it on my despair calendar. And thankfully I did not find processed meats in cabinets or drawers.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

That's no maid, that's Dr. Sylvia...

I just spent the weekend in the first level of hell, aka Phoenix, Arizona. I am simply boggled that anyone chooses to live in a desert. Besides the heat (it averaged about 114), the sun was so bright that as I was carrying a casserole in to my friends house the foil covering burned my eyes. I felt like a freaking vampire for the 36 hours I was there.

You could probably tell I wasn't there to sight see, but rather spend some time with my best friend and her family as she visited her parents. Her mom was so excited she threw a big party, so all the women she knows could meet her daughter and her children.

In the best of situations I freeze up in large groups of people. So it was no surprise that given a large group of women speaking Arabic the entire time drove me into the kitchen. To keep myself busy (and to keep up with the mess) I cleaned dishes. Well apparently this made me seem like a maid, and someone asked my mom's friend how long the "servant" would be around. To which she replied, "That's no maid. She is my daughter (her catholic-single- nonArabic speaking- daughter, but nonetheless) and she's a doctor!" From that point on my friend called me Sylvia, the name of my own housekeeper. To be honest I was pleased anyone thought my cleaning was good enough to be considered professional work.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

It's been awhile...

I have started this new "program" of waking up early to work out and going to bed early. Being a grown up is hard work. I am missing all the best tv at night. But I guess it's worth it to be to work on time (for the most part).

Speaking of work, things with McGee ebb and flow craziness. Recently, Supermommy came to see me and McGee was overwhelmed by her pregnancy. Which turned into a long discussion of her own children's births. MCGee stated she pulled her youngest child out of her va-jay-jay herself, so now I have this Lion King image of her holding the baby up for everyone in the delivery room to see. I have retold this story several times and have yet to tell it with out reaching down and simulating the pull-out process.

I guess it goes with out saying that I have searched out safe places to get my work done. I have found an office that no one is using and it has become my hide-a-way.

I have also been studying for my licensure exams. Or sometimes thinking about studying. I wonder if I will ever feel prepared for this test. Sigh.

So far the best part of my late spring life has been selling blueberries with my dad and other family members. It has been wonderful seeing my peeps and watching my dad socialize with everyone while he eats all the fair type food.

That sums up my last month of life. What's shaking with you?

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Will Clean For Bacon...

Usually I only do major cleaning for company. This weekend I was cleaned for a new reason. To find the opened package of turkey bacon. I was living with hope I took it to work, but in my heart of hearts I knew it was somewhere in my home. It was found in the foil drawer (behind the foil which is how I missed it the first time), and immediately taken to the trash. Another successful cleaning moment.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

God Bless Magee and have mercy on me

Thanks to my favorite aunt for my new mantra.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Thanks Economic Surplus Check..

I'm buying an ipod with my money. Anyone else have plans to stimulate the economy?

Thursday, May 08, 2008

You Know It's A Bad Day When...

I started by waking up too late to take a shower (damn you benedryl). Walking up late also made me 10 minutes late to work. Instead of my usual walk of shame (I try to complete with no one seeing) I ended up walking into my office to find my boss waiting for me. I had to co-lead a therapy session first thing in the morning, and was asked by a small child, "who did your hair?" I realized then that I forgot to brush my hair. After being uncomfortable at work for an hour I also realized I put my underwear on backwards (thankfully not a thong). Lastly, I had to send two emails to my boss today because of screw-ups I did. All this and it's not even 5pm. I need a drink.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Sometimes I dream I hit the progressive...

I know this post is late but it took me longer than I expected to recover from 3 days in Vegas. I came home with .75 cents in my pocket and a kind of self-loathing that only comes from eating meals at buffets. Another thing Vegas left me was a sense of my own oldness. I could only stay up till midnight at the best, my drink of choice was water (because you need to hydrate in the desert), and my activity of choice was the nickel slot machine (the Wheel of Fortune one to be exact). I may be 29, but my inner age is about 76. I did love that slot machine. I was also constantly shocked by the amount of young children hanging around the strip late at night. One night I lost count of the kids 0-3 out after midnight. I don't care what the PR people say, Vegas is not a family vacation spot for me. But that may be because all I want to do is play Wheel of Fortune.

Before the trip I had thoughts of crazy adventures (because of course my life would be like a Vegas commercial), but then I realized my motto: Stranger Danger. So in the end I stayed true to my introvertness, and it was just me, a pregnant girl, and another girl who spent the 3 days sending angry text messages to her boyfriend. We were a regular bunch of "playas". All in all it was a fun trip, and I want to go back. I also have an addiction to slot machines that makes Vegas a once a decade town for me.

Monday, April 21, 2008

I'm not a therapist. I just play one on t.v.

I just went to a training on Autism and they showed the documentary, "Autism: The Musical."
It was a wonderful, emotional, honest, and compelling look into the lives of families who have children with Autism. I encourage everyone to watch it.

Speaking of mental health, recently there was a school shooting in the city I live in. A teenager was shot and killed by a police officer after he attacked the officer with a bat. Yesterday, my mayor brought the chief of police, the superintendent of the school system, and council members together to talk about mental health and the school system. Nowhere was there mention of a psychologist or a licensed therapist attending. How is it that so many people can talk (and make decisions that affect so many) about mental health without having the actual trained professionals present? I am reminded of a time when Clinton was still president and he assembled actors, and athletes, and all sorts of famous people to talk about mental health concerns in adolescents. Never one was there mention of an actual mental health professional attending the conference. As frustrated as I feel, this highlights for me the work that needs to be done to bring awareness of mental health concerns in an appropriate professional way. With trained actors playing the role of concerned psychologists of course.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Fear #457: Puppets

Soon I will be leading a preschool group as a part of my job. For this group we are required to use toddler-size puppets who are "group members." I am not a fan of puppets, and I am not afraid to say I am even afraid of them. I am not entirely convinced they won't come alive in the middle of the night and try to cut my fingers off. As someone who is almost 30, I get this fear is ridiculous, but thus far I have been able to control it by not being around minions of Satan puppets. The puppets for our new group arrived last week, and since I won't touch them, McGee got the job of putting them away. I expected them to be in a box, or in a cupboard. I did not expect them to be in chairs and shelves around the office all facing me. At first I thought it might be unintentional, but then I remembered who I am taking about. Because I don’t want to show more fear than I already have I pretend this is not creeping me out. My next step in overcoming my puppet fear is to find my “puppet voice” so I can begin practicing using them with kids. Right now the only “voice” I can think of is the evil-whispery voice little kids use, but I don’t think that will be conducive to telling a bunch of preschoolers the importance of sharing and being a good friend. I welcome any and all suggestions to overcoming my puppet fear and finding my inner puppet voice. Happy Friday.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Updated Fun TV clips...

For some reason I can't upload the video, but it's on You Tube. I thought it was funny.

So the previous clip is no longer up, so I am instead posting this which came from Ponch. Enjoy.
Is any one else thrilled 30 Rock and the Office will be back on tonight? I can't wait!

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Words I Never Thought I Would Say At Work...

To a coworker- "I am sorry I accidently slapped your bottom. My arm was swing back at the wrong moment." Thanks be the coworker wasn't McGee, or I know I would have a sexual harrassment claim against me.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Because Many Hands Make Work Light...

I remember 3rd grade pretty well. My teacher was a dragon. An almost-nun who married a Pepsi distributor. The feeling I got even then was that she wished she had married Jesus. I can remember being terrified to enter 3rd grade because of her rep. And it takes a lot to really stand out as meaner than usual in a Catholic school. That being said, I never plotted to kill her.

Today the morning news stations were all abuzz with the news that several 3rd grade children were allegedly plotting to kill their teacher. Because she scolded one for standing on a chair (which is chump change in a Catholic school). The truly scary part was that this was an organized crime. Everyone brought an item to be used (handcuffs, a knife, a paperweight, duct and electrical tape, and ribbon). They even had kids assigned for look-out and clean-up duty. Some little snot nosed kid agreed to clean up the mess that would have come from stabbing and beating their teacher. Here's hoping all those kids begin therapy (especially the ring leaders). At work, all I can think of is what the kids are going to do to the snitch who tipped off the authorities. I mean, come on, if they wanted to kill their teacher for giving a command, what in the name of all that's holy will they do to the kid who got them busted?

Monday, March 31, 2008

No, I Don't Really Feel Lucky. Thanks For Asking.

An office manager called me to let me know I was "lucky" enough to be picked to attend a training at County Mental Health on how work their online training system. Then I get to come back and teach my new skills to others. First off, I am technology challenged (which is why this blog is so no frills). Secondly, the last training I went to at CMH I wanted to stab my eyes out with knitting needles. I need to remember to bring my knitting supplies. Just in case.
Maybe I Should Start Watching Prison Break Again...

Today I am mailing off my amended tax returns and the money I owe. Even though I have quadruple checked the forms (and my damn checks) I can't help but worry I missed something. Which means -worst case scenario: I will be arrested by the IRS (because they really want their $45.00) and sent to maximum security prison. And I can safely say I will not be okay in prison. I will have to kill someone to make everyone leave me alone. Then I will have to tattoo a tear on my face and I really hate needles (let alone prison needles). And I will have to learn how to make fried foods using nothing more than ground up prison meals I have smuggled back to my room, the oil from my unwashed hair, and a jimmy-jacked heat wand that was originally made to make tea. And thankfully I know in advance to avoid drinking the milk, so I won't get any diseases from that. This is all in my first week (of my 12 year sentence-which is what I am sure the judge will hand down).

Best Case Scenario: I will end up on a watch list for a while. You know, the she- can't-do-her-taxes-properly-and-we-need-to-make-sure-she-is-not-stealing-from-us list (SCDTPANTMSSINSFS for short). I am sure it will be similar to when I traveled to the Middle East one summer, and suddenly I was not able to fly without an orange sticker on everything (including me). This special treatment also included "random" searches of all my belongings every stop I had. Thankfully it did not include a strip search. The IRS doesn't strip search right?

Moral of the story-I am a pessimistic freak who doesn't have a lot to do at work today.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Serenity Now...

Did you ever have a day where nothing went right? Aside from being repeatedly told I was doing things wrong (and I have to say I hit a new high for the sheer number of people who corrected me). During lunch my spinach exploded in the office microwave and line of hungry women stared me down as I quickly tried to clean the mess. Just when I could see the light and it's time to go home a coworker tells me she googles me late at night. As I got into my car to go home I realized that this creepy moment is the highlight of my day. And I proceeded to set a measuring cup on fire as I cook dinner.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

If I Had A Million Dollars...

Because McGee is currently in a meeting I am able to sing out loud in my office. This song always makes me smile.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Best Contraception...

Saturday I shopped and lunched with Supermommy and her kids. Her little girl has entered into the terrible 2's with 2 months to spare. She has a scream that stops people in their tracks. Or maybe just me, but either way you could hear her screaming her displeasure from 10 cars away.

For lunch we had bagels and juice. Supermommy warned me to look away, because while her daughter is many things a neat eater is not one of them. The first time I gave her pb&j I vurped a little. During this lunch she was pretty good. I think she was too hungry to rub anything in her face, hair, or ears. I did well until I saw her juice cup, with the floating pieces of bagel and the swirling globs of cream cheese. Supermommy lifted the cup up a little and swished it like a fine wine, letting the food particles float in the juice, looked at me and said, "Isn't this the best contraception you've ever seen?" I told her it was better than the health video I saw in high school.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Well At Least He Wasn't 70

Many who know me well know that I am shy and I attract the greatest generation. My theory is that these gentleman know I will take care of them. I am pretty sure my pheromones smell like oatmeal and Ben-gay.

Last night I talked to a horse of a different color. As I was in line waiting to order sliced turkey at the supermarket, a man initiated conversation. You know, usual, do you live here (in the city not the store), what do you do, and are you analyzing me right now? I learned he was a truck driver whose route is Salt Lake City to Oakland. He hates it when other truck drivers curse on the CB radio and he refers to African Americans as "Negroes." This last piece shocked me and I didn't know what to say (besides the 1950's are calling and they want their word back). I also learned that he is married with 2 daughters, and he's trying to avoid putting his truck on a scale (why I was afraid to ask).

I was happy with myself for talking with him, until it felt like he was following me around the store. Then I just prayed I would get out before he killed me and left small pieces of my body along 1-5. Sure he was a freak. But he wasn't 70.

Monday, March 10, 2008


I think this will be my word of the day. Maybe because there is a bee hive in my roof near my front door, and it is unknown when the people who remove such things will be out. Or it could be due to the fact that I filed my tax return early, and then forgot to include a W-2. The tax refund I was so excited about has now been made smaller by the money I now owe the gov't.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Big Girl Purchase Take 2

Today my new bed is being delivred. Hopefully this one won't hurt, but even if it does I have a trial warrantly. Wish me luck.

Yesterday my cousin got married. During the dinner my mom and I were discussing how great the food was. My mom said she was full, and then pulled a ziploc bag out of her purse. And proceeded to fill it with all the tri-tip and turkey she did not ea then put the bag back in her purse. It was good tri-tip.

*not sure why the picture of the wedding cake is tilted. Every time I look at it on my computer it's rotated the right way.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Lifestyles of the (possibly) written up and really creeped out.

How have I never had make-your-own honey roasted peanut butter before now? So delish I went back for more at Whole Foods tonight. Thanks to Supermommy for recommending it.

Something I could live without? The creepy guy at Blockbuster staring and smiling at me through the window as I droppped my movies off and then got back in my car. He didn't look away until I actually drove off. Glad to know I still attract the freaks.

Lastly, I may be fired from my job for a reason I had never considered before. I am not allowed to check personal email at work, and yesterday was so hellish I used my work email to send a message to a friend. Well she responsed back and because she used "sex" and dropped an f-bomb the email was confiscated before I could read it and went somewhere in HR. Fan-freaking-tastic. If I get fired before McGee I am going to be so pissed.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Well The Upside Is That This Probably Won't Be The Worst Day Of My Life.

My mother chilled in the parking lot of my office today for hours. Her car broke down and she called to borrow mine. I thought borrow automatically implied leaving, but what she meant was smoking in my car in the parking lot. When taking a break from smoking she came in and talked to office staff about how I have a wealthy g-ma and am just doing this work because I care. Nice. I thought she had left to run errands, and it wasn't until the end of her stay in my car that I realized how long she had been there.

At one point she saw Stanley coming out of a building and shouted, "Are you Carl or Stanley? Either way I am Lore's mom and I have pictures of you on my computer." Thankfully he realized that this was not as creepy as it sounded.

My mother is also beginning to hallucinate, so before she left she warned me to watch out for other cars who may now be tailing my car. Big Sigh.

My day also included a 3 hour shopping trip with McGee, who incidentally has no concept of personal space along with her lack of appropriate conversation.

This day ended with a migraine which was a total shocker.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Because It Takes A Village To Raise An Ape...

Last week I attended training for work. As if being trapped in a car with co-workers for hours on end listening to the sob stories on Delilah isn't bad enough, the training also blew chunks. The trainer was a crier. The instance occurred when he was talking about a research study concerning gorillas in a zoo. Apparently researchers swapped babies and mommas to see how temperament affects parenting (my first question is this: how you can you definitively talk about temperament in apes, and my second question is: did they take into account that some apes might be pissed at losing their babies and being given new ones). Apparently, the study found that it took a super-ape-mommy to raise a difficult gorilla-baby. If the difficult ape-baby was raised by an average ape-mommy or even a "bad" ape-mommy, then they became isolated and ostracized in their group. But, if it was raised by a June Cleaver-ape, difficult gorillas grew up to lead the group (cue crying) and save everyone from threats (like zoo keepers trying to take away their babies?).

The trainer then went on to talk about (and cry about) how Winston Churchill saved the Queen and her people in WWII (I think it was because he was raised by a super-gorilla).

The most screwed up part of this story is that I am a social crier, so every time monkey boy fell apart at the thought of super-gorillas, I cried with him. In case you were wondering, my training was on how to run a child group (using puppets no less, so imagine monkey boy crying about super gorillas while holding a giant puppet). Needless to say I feel ill equipped to do anything but cry about baby gorillas and the insurmountable power of the English people. Another successful training by I.Y.

I forgot to also mention that Monkey-boy had the flu during this training. After two days of watching him sweat or holding his hand to his mouth to stop the puke, he wanted to shake hands with everyone who finished the the training. Like I said it blew chunks.

Saturday, February 16, 2008


My night ended with me struggling to remove the shirt I tied around my waist. It was stuck to the big wad of gum on my jeans Earlier this evening I sat in it while having dinner with friends. It wasn't discovered until I began walking away that the sound of laughter and pointing fingers became my guide to trouble. My friend first tried to remove it. Did I mention the gum was attached to a card board holder? We soon learned how much bigger the gum spot can become when you attempt to remove the card board it's attached to. So I tied a shirt around my waist. Fast forward to me in my living room trying to remove the shirt that was now stuck to my jeans. Thank God it's a 3 day weekend.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Happy S.A.D. And Screw You All I'm Going Home...

I get that I have offended Cupid. Probably due to my lack of a romantic relationship since Milli Vanilli was considered talented. I guess when you put your career over love, small babies with arrows get pissed. So far the highlights of S.A.D. -past included:

*The police ransacking my room looking for stolen goods that my brother "found" (aka stole out of the car belonging to a DEA agent).

*My mother checking herself into a psych ward, as a revenge tactic, then truly becoming psychotic. If I never see cheap cigarettes again it will be too soon.

While most people think today means hearts, flowers and all things beautiful, I just hope to make it through the day without an anvil dropping on my head.

This year the baby curse stayed true and I found myself stuck in an office for 4 hours with a coworker who I like to call McGee. Who, in case you read this blog, is the same person who told me that my eggs would turn to dust in 6 months and 16 days (not that I'm counting). Normally I can tune her out with online radio , fleeing to another office, or thoughts of alcoholic beverages, but then Cupid came to town. And I found out that I get to spend more time than normal with her every Thursday from now until retirement. As if I don't want to gouge my eyes balls out with a soup spoon enough. That would be a worker's comp right?

She stayed true to form today, and when talking to a woman who was African American, while watching a movie that had an African American woman in it, McGee says, "See she's just like you...(awkward pause in which I think WTF)... you know because she has two kids." Yeah sure.

The last and final blow to the grain of sand I call my dignity came when I spent dinner with my dad and his girlfriend. That's right folks, I was the third wheel on Valentine's Day. With my dad. Babies with Arrows, 3 Lorelai, 0. Game. Set. Match.

Monday, February 11, 2008

It's definitely one way to go about it...

I wouldn't know anything about annoying coworkers. Nothing at all. But, if I had an annoying co-worker (and was okay being fired for sexual harrassment), this is one way to get rid of him (or her).

And, if you were wondering how to tell a child their mother has died, this is not the way.

Thanks to Carl for YouTube surfing with me last night. We discovered thatBrokeTrek was the best of the Brokeback parodies. After we discovered there are a lot of Brokeback parodies.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

"Ash Wednesday, the holiday during which Catholics mark the beginning of Lent by creeping out their coworkers." -Tina Fey

I thought of this SNL quote today when someone came into a morning meeting with ashes on her forhead. Being Catholic, this was expected, but I wondered what others thought. I hope that all my Catholics peeps are wearing the ash proudly, and not creeping out co-workers.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Laissez Le Bon Temp Rouler

Happy Mardi Gras! Remember- it's not worth getting arrested for indecent exposure over cheap beads. Even if Hulk Hogan is throwing them your way.

And don't forget to vote if you live in a state that's voting today!

Monday, February 04, 2008

Celebrating S.A.D. with sweet dejection

I usually don't buy myself a present for Singles Awareness Day (aka Valentine's Day), but when I saw these candies at I had to get them. I got a box for all my single friends, because I care. Today after super boring meeting I gave Stanley a heart that said, "a fine whine."

Sunday, February 03, 2008

"Morpheus doesn't play football. He plays jacks."-Fishbourne's answer

I will admit I don't know much about football, and I only watch the Superbowl for the halftime comercials. That being said, what in the name of all that's holy is Ryan Seacrest doing hosting the Superbowl opening? Was Joan Rivers too busy? And why is there a red carpet? So far I have seen Roger Federer and a kid actor from Narnia. I've also had the pleasure of watching Seacrest ask Laurence Fishbourne how Morpheus would do if he played in the Superbowl. I think I'll watch the CW now. Lorelai out.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

"But Daddy I love Him!"

I had a dream this morning that Marie and Donny Osmond were getting married (my dream took place in the 70's so imagine the clothes and hair). To each other. Their whole family was there to celebrate the union and everyone was happy. Everyone that is, except for their father, who kept shouting out bible verses and screaming how this was against God's law. Right before I woke up Donny and Marie agreed to get an anullment. Dis. Turb. Ing.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

You Can Call Me Dr. Knownothing

More tales from the Midwest...

While my friend's youngest daughter was doing her best to give me the bird flu, her oldest was slowing but surely learning how incompetent I am. In my defense, I blame my parents.

During my visit my she realized that Halta Lorelai can't cook anything without a microwave (which they don't have). I can't read Arabic, and I don't celebrate Eid (I "make Christmas" as she told me). I also can't speak Arabic, and this was by far the hardest thing for her to understand. One day at lunch she turns to me and says,
"Halta Lorelai can you say television in Arabic?"
"Nope. How do you say it?"
"Television (said with an accent). Do you know how to say table?"
"Sure don't. Tell me,"
"Table (said with more of a french accent, but table nonetheless)."
And then she began teaching me how to say things in English. I tried to explain that I knew English, but it was too late. I was officially dumb to a 4 year old.

Every time she asked me about the things I couldn't do she would then ask, "But didn't your mommy teach you?" I had to explain that my mom doesn't speak Arabic, she doesn't cook Arabic food, and she makes Christmas not Eid.

On my last day as I gathered up my luggage I stopped to take one last picture of my friend in her home. I had this giant travel back pack on, and I stepped wrong and fell. I ended up on my back not unlike a turtle who was flipped over. On the way to the airport, all the girls could talk about was that time I fell.
"Remember that time you fell Halta Lorelai?"
"I sure do it just happened?"
"That was so funny how you fell all the time."
"It was once, but yeah it was funny. "

Monday, January 28, 2008

I Can't Wait Until She Can Say It With A Hallmark

I know this post is late, but I finally have time and energy to talk about my traveling over the holidays. My best friend has 2 little girls and her youngest was sick the entire time I was there. I knew it was only a matter of time before I too would be sick when her darling daughter:
-Drank from my cup. Every chance she got. Because my water always tastes way better than hers. And she was usually oozing snot as she grabbed my glass.
-Sneezed in the hummus, guacamole, rice, chicken, salad, and birthday cake (although I like to think I baked the sick out of it). The only thing she didn't sneeze in was my oatmeal. Instead she coughed in her hand and then flattened out my oatmeal.
-Sneezed in my hair and wiped her hands in my hair, as she was attempting to make my hair look pretty. I didn't realize she was even doing this until I saw the videotape her father was shooting. It helped to explain why he was laughing the entire time he was filming.
-As I held her to read a story she turned and gave a nice wet cough right in my face.

The first day I will admit I was grossed out. Not having kids, I forget that you have to be taught not to rub snot in other people's hair. By the end of the trip I was okay with the sneezing and coughing. I think that was her way of saying she loved me.

My second to last day as I was sleeping I heard the door open and the scampering of little feet Expecting someone to come and cuddle I opened one eye slowly and began to smile. Her youngest got really close and whispered,
"Halta Lorelai, guess what?"
"I don't know sweetheart. You tell me?"
"Your shoes stink."

To be honest I thought I was nothing more than a big kleenex to the child, and then the day after I left my friend called to tell me that her daughter woke up crying saying she wanted me to be with her. That's because I love them so much.

Tomorrow's post will be about how her oldest daughter thinks I am the dumbest person in the world.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

"I felt like when I left home that I was on a journey, and I still am.”-Heath Ledger

I just read an article that said Heath Ledger is dead. I feel a weird sense of shock. Don't get me wrong, we weren't friends. But he does have the distinction of being the first age appropriate crush I had on a celebrity. I have always been into old movies, and it was hard being the only teen in like with Paul Newman, Cary Grant, and Rock Husdon (also hard-- being in like with men who liked other men, but that's a story for another day.) Heath was the crush I had who was born in the same decade as me, so he was special. May he find peace in the next part of his journey.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Disease of the Week
Pink Eye is slowing but surely traveling through the office. If crap in my eye wasn't bad enough, while on a school visit I heard a student say, "Teacher my head is itchy." Last week they had a "little lice problem" the teacher tells me. Apparently this week is twofer DOTW. Wish me luck staying healthy during double illness week.

Monday, January 14, 2008

What I Wanted To Say...

Over the last two weeks I had all these great things to blog about. The rest of my trip, the movies I have seen (please go see Juno and Once), and the joys of being polite in Borders. It was all going to be hilarious I'm sure, but aside from Arabic lessons and great food, my darling nieces also gave me their illness. Just my annual holiday sick making it's appearance. I am feeling better now, but am still really tired. The funny will have to wait until I can laugh with out coughing up a hairball.