Wednesday, May 16, 2007

You dirty little monkey

Today I learned the meaning of two phrases. As I innocently read Sarah and the Goon Squad I came upon the phrases Dirty Sanchez and Donkey Punch. Not knowing the meaning behind the phrases I began my search on blingo. Thanks to Wikipedia for the helpful (gross) descriptions. When I told Sigmund that I learned about dirty sanchez he said, "Well at least Boots didn't give Dora a donkey punch." I laughingly told him that was also referenced. Then I got to explain a donkey punch to Carl (like I am the freaking expert now). We also discussed Screech, and how no amount of therapy (or booze could make it okay for the women in his video. Moments like this make me realize how sheltered my life is. And how okay I am with that.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Mothers, Fake Dates, and the Beach

This weekend I went to the beach for a wedding. My friend Sigmund went as my fake date. It was also my first wedding in which my father wasn't my date (or I went alone), so that was a pleasant change. We enjoyed the margarita and taco bar, as well as the funny couples we were seated with. Another couple, Carl and Stanley, came along for the road trip as well.

We began by having dinner at this honky tonk place in the middle of nowhere. I forgot how many country songs I know, and I think I scared my travel companions with this knowledge. In honor of this dinner, "cowboy up" was the term for the weekend. We also stopped for gas about a block from the honky tonk and it was like entering the Grindhouse double feature. Everyone in the station either looked they were were about to die (like the female college students who loudly talked about how they were lost and needed to call their moms and let them know they are not dead- this wasn't foreshadowing at all) or wanted to kill others (like the stupid girls).

Saturday after the wedding Sig and I met up with Carl and Stanley and wandered around town. At dinner I was more in love with the Bollywood films being shown than the company or the food. They were great films of love and loss and of course dancing.

Sunday started out well. We had a nice breakfast at the local IHOP (umm pancakes) then went shopping. Then my mother called.

She has begun hallucinating again and forgot I was not in town. Right there in the middle of a busy sidewalk I stopped and listened as my mother began talking about all the people following her, watching her, and destroying her house. I was near a restaurant where families were celebrating Mother's Day, and it finally hit me that this was it. For the rest of her life this would be the down and the ups would never get as up as they once were. I have thought about it before but now I realize one day she will need me to see to her care 24/7. Sigh.

I looked over at my friends who were pretending not to watch me try not to fall apart, and I was glad to have such good company. Even speaking to my therapist about it yesterday didn't quite take the sadness away. Mother's day has never been a holiday I enjoyed with my mother anyways (reasons why best saved for a later post), but it hit me that one day potentially every holiday could sound like this. Am I ready to be her caretaker full time? No, not even close to ready. I am not even ready to be a real grown up yet, much less be in charge of her. Is anyone ever ready to parent their parent?

And so you don't think my Sunday was completely a downer I will end by telling you how I began to conquer not one, but two fears. As I drove my travel weary friends home I needed to use the restroom. I had my fill of scary gas station bathrooms (where you know you'll get the monkey pox if your butt touches the seat) and asked Sig if I could use his. He looked a little alarmed but agreed. He tried to tell me it was a little dirty, but not monkey pox dirty. What he didn't tell me was that the last time he entered that room in his house was the first day he moved in. There were spider webs everywhere including the toilet bowl, and as I tried to sweep them off the place I would soon be sitting he stood outside the door telling me this was better than the upstairs one. I have a hard time using the restroom while other people are around, and well spiders scare the crap out of me. But I did what I needed to. And hopefully received no spider bite in the ass.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Of Goals and Boobs

Today's post was going to be entirely dedicated to the fact that I am half way to my total weight loss goal. Once again being sick helped me get over the plateau. So yeah for me! And yeah for sickness!

In other news, I read Queen of Spain's post just now, and feel the need to comment (to all 5 of my readers out there). While there will be no boob flashing on my post (since it is anonymous), I can appreciate why others are letting it all hang out. Apparently, Maggie Gyllenhall (I have no idea how to spell that last name) was caught breast feeding in public. Oh the horrors! Cover your eyes!

Really people, we're going to be angry about this? Not genocides that are taking place globally, not Iraq, and certainly not the fact that here in this country people are abused and mistreated on a daily basis. No, we're going to be pissed about breast feeding. (Prepare for the rant...)

It's madness. I don't have children, and since I want to adopt I don't plan on breast feeding, but it is crazy how our society seems to demonize women who do. These are moms who are making the best choice they can for their babies. It's a miracle that not every mom can experience and it should be revered and not shamed. This is Lorelai stepping off her podium now.

If you are bold, let it all hang out at QoS too!

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Jealously, thy name is Halta Lorelai

I am totally feeling green because Supermommy (who just came back from a cruise) is going to the beach with her family for a few days. I want to lay by the pool too dammit. It made me remember all the times when my parents would bundle us in the car right before nap time and take us to a "surprise." The surprise was always the beach but I never guessed it (but I always guessed Chuck E Cheese). So here I am at my desk, while they get to be near the ocean. Being a grown up sucks.

In other news the pirate fair was okay. There weren't many people around so it was a very small fair. I heard a lot of pirate jokes and saw many a womens chests exposed in the name of being a "wench" but alas, I took no pirate lover home. Truth be told the pirate who was also a magician was kind of cute, but that romance was not to be.

And last but not least. I am going to be Halta Lorelai for the third time! Halta means aunt in arabic (which I can never pronounce properly). My bestest friend ever (the one who is coming for my graduation) is pregnant, and I was the first one they told! Dammit I can't keep news like this to myself. So I called people who have no contact with her (such as Supermommy, which is how I found out about the beach trip).
I can't wait to meet my newest neice or nephew. My prediction is that it will be a boy (she has two girls now).
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Thursday, May 03, 2007

Captain Fritz Tamera Rides Again

After discovering my pirate/porn name last month I didn't think I would use it again (well, at least not in reference to being a pirate). This I found out my city is hosting a pirate fair this weekend. There will be pirate booty to buy (old eye patches and broken peg legs), grog to drink (whatever the hell that is), food to eat (salted fish and biscuits made with weevils), and hopefully unwashed men in tight pants and billowy shirts (fingers crossed).

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Dirty Rotten Carrots

I was trying all day to eat healthy. My afternoon snack was going to be carrots. As I reached into my little baggie for another baby carrot I felt slime. Not the typical carrot texture, so I looked around and found the rotting culprit. And was so grossed out I had a mint chocolate cookie. It worked too. I was so impressed with the chocolatey minty goodness I forgot about the carrot. Thanks junk food, once again you saved my day.