Thursday, February 28, 2008

Lifestyles of the (possibly) written up and really creeped out.

How have I never had make-your-own honey roasted peanut butter before now? So delish I went back for more at Whole Foods tonight. Thanks to Supermommy for recommending it.

Something I could live without? The creepy guy at Blockbuster staring and smiling at me through the window as I droppped my movies off and then got back in my car. He didn't look away until I actually drove off. Glad to know I still attract the freaks.

Lastly, I may be fired from my job for a reason I had never considered before. I am not allowed to check personal email at work, and yesterday was so hellish I used my work email to send a message to a friend. Well she responsed back and because she used "sex" and dropped an f-bomb the email was confiscated before I could read it and went somewhere in HR. Fan-freaking-tastic. If I get fired before McGee I am going to be so pissed.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Well The Upside Is That This Probably Won't Be The Worst Day Of My Life.

My mother chilled in the parking lot of my office today for hours. Her car broke down and she called to borrow mine. I thought borrow automatically implied leaving, but what she meant was smoking in my car in the parking lot. When taking a break from smoking she came in and talked to office staff about how I have a wealthy g-ma and am just doing this work because I care. Nice. I thought she had left to run errands, and it wasn't until the end of her stay in my car that I realized how long she had been there.

At one point she saw Stanley coming out of a building and shouted, "Are you Carl or Stanley? Either way I am Lore's mom and I have pictures of you on my computer." Thankfully he realized that this was not as creepy as it sounded.

My mother is also beginning to hallucinate, so before she left she warned me to watch out for other cars who may now be tailing my car. Big Sigh.

My day also included a 3 hour shopping trip with McGee, who incidentally has no concept of personal space along with her lack of appropriate conversation.

This day ended with a migraine which was a total shocker.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Because It Takes A Village To Raise An Ape...

Last week I attended training for work. As if being trapped in a car with co-workers for hours on end listening to the sob stories on Delilah isn't bad enough, the training also blew chunks. The trainer was a crier. The instance occurred when he was talking about a research study concerning gorillas in a zoo. Apparently researchers swapped babies and mommas to see how temperament affects parenting (my first question is this: how you can you definitively talk about temperament in apes, and my second question is: did they take into account that some apes might be pissed at losing their babies and being given new ones). Apparently, the study found that it took a super-ape-mommy to raise a difficult gorilla-baby. If the difficult ape-baby was raised by an average ape-mommy or even a "bad" ape-mommy, then they became isolated and ostracized in their group. But, if it was raised by a June Cleaver-ape, difficult gorillas grew up to lead the group (cue crying) and save everyone from threats (like zoo keepers trying to take away their babies?).

The trainer then went on to talk about (and cry about) how Winston Churchill saved the Queen and her people in WWII (I think it was because he was raised by a super-gorilla).

The most screwed up part of this story is that I am a social crier, so every time monkey boy fell apart at the thought of super-gorillas, I cried with him. In case you were wondering, my training was on how to run a child group (using puppets no less, so imagine monkey boy crying about super gorillas while holding a giant puppet). Needless to say I feel ill equipped to do anything but cry about baby gorillas and the insurmountable power of the English people. Another successful training by I.Y.

I forgot to also mention that Monkey-boy had the flu during this training. After two days of watching him sweat or holding his hand to his mouth to stop the puke, he wanted to shake hands with everyone who finished the the training. Like I said it blew chunks.

Saturday, February 16, 2008


My night ended with me struggling to remove the shirt I tied around my waist. It was stuck to the big wad of gum on my jeans Earlier this evening I sat in it while having dinner with friends. It wasn't discovered until I began walking away that the sound of laughter and pointing fingers became my guide to trouble. My friend first tried to remove it. Did I mention the gum was attached to a card board holder? We soon learned how much bigger the gum spot can become when you attempt to remove the card board it's attached to. So I tied a shirt around my waist. Fast forward to me in my living room trying to remove the shirt that was now stuck to my jeans. Thank God it's a 3 day weekend.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Happy S.A.D. And Screw You All I'm Going Home...

I get that I have offended Cupid. Probably due to my lack of a romantic relationship since Milli Vanilli was considered talented. I guess when you put your career over love, small babies with arrows get pissed. So far the highlights of S.A.D. -past included:

*The police ransacking my room looking for stolen goods that my brother "found" (aka stole out of the car belonging to a DEA agent).

*My mother checking herself into a psych ward, as a revenge tactic, then truly becoming psychotic. If I never see cheap cigarettes again it will be too soon.

While most people think today means hearts, flowers and all things beautiful, I just hope to make it through the day without an anvil dropping on my head.

This year the baby curse stayed true and I found myself stuck in an office for 4 hours with a coworker who I like to call McGee. Who, in case you read this blog, is the same person who told me that my eggs would turn to dust in 6 months and 16 days (not that I'm counting). Normally I can tune her out with online radio , fleeing to another office, or thoughts of alcoholic beverages, but then Cupid came to town. And I found out that I get to spend more time than normal with her every Thursday from now until retirement. As if I don't want to gouge my eyes balls out with a soup spoon enough. That would be a worker's comp right?

She stayed true to form today, and when talking to a woman who was African American, while watching a movie that had an African American woman in it, McGee says, "See she's just like you...(awkward pause in which I think WTF)... you know because she has two kids." Yeah sure.

The last and final blow to the grain of sand I call my dignity came when I spent dinner with my dad and his girlfriend. That's right folks, I was the third wheel on Valentine's Day. With my dad. Babies with Arrows, 3 Lorelai, 0. Game. Set. Match.

Monday, February 11, 2008

It's definitely one way to go about it...

I wouldn't know anything about annoying coworkers. Nothing at all. But, if I had an annoying co-worker (and was okay being fired for sexual harrassment), this is one way to get rid of him (or her).

And, if you were wondering how to tell a child their mother has died, this is not the way.

Thanks to Carl for YouTube surfing with me last night. We discovered thatBrokeTrek was the best of the Brokeback parodies. After we discovered there are a lot of Brokeback parodies.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

"Ash Wednesday, the holiday during which Catholics mark the beginning of Lent by creeping out their coworkers." -Tina Fey

I thought of this SNL quote today when someone came into a morning meeting with ashes on her forhead. Being Catholic, this was expected, but I wondered what others thought. I hope that all my Catholics peeps are wearing the ash proudly, and not creeping out co-workers.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Laissez Le Bon Temp Rouler

Happy Mardi Gras! Remember- it's not worth getting arrested for indecent exposure over cheap beads. Even if Hulk Hogan is throwing them your way.

And don't forget to vote if you live in a state that's voting today!

Monday, February 04, 2008

Celebrating S.A.D. with sweet dejection

I usually don't buy myself a present for Singles Awareness Day (aka Valentine's Day), but when I saw these candies at I had to get them. I got a box for all my single friends, because I care. Today after super boring meeting I gave Stanley a heart that said, "a fine whine."

Sunday, February 03, 2008

"Morpheus doesn't play football. He plays jacks."-Fishbourne's answer

I will admit I don't know much about football, and I only watch the Superbowl for the halftime comercials. That being said, what in the name of all that's holy is Ryan Seacrest doing hosting the Superbowl opening? Was Joan Rivers too busy? And why is there a red carpet? So far I have seen Roger Federer and a kid actor from Narnia. I've also had the pleasure of watching Seacrest ask Laurence Fishbourne how Morpheus would do if he played in the Superbowl. I think I'll watch the CW now. Lorelai out.