Saturday, August 29, 2009

"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus

On Wednesday evening my grandmother died. Some highlights of the last several days have been writing my grandmother's obituary. In her hospital room. While she was still alive. A few hours later I was once again in the hospital room trying not to look at her dead body (which I did see and now can't get out of my head), trying to comfort my family (while keeping my head out of the room so I wouldn't look again), and trying not to think about the future. When my mother held my hand in the hospital she commented that I was colder than my grandmother was. Today I felt chilled and wondered if I was still colder than dead.

At the funeral and the reception I felt numb. I sat near my mother because my job was to comfort her, but I seemed to forget how. I couldn't hug her with out feeling stiff, so I patted her leg quite ineffectively while she mourned her mother. At the luncheon to honor my grandmother I felt out of place, maybe because I have not yet mourned her. Towards the end of it I sat near my aunt as she explained to a group of women that my mother was going to move in with me. The table of women all turned to me and commented on how great that will be. One women said my mother must love the idea. "Yes." I said, "she loves it." That was the safest answer I could give.

In case this isn't stressful enough I have one week until my first licensure exam. And I woke up this morning with the beginnings of a sore throat. I am calling this week the trifecta o'crap.

My grandmother was an amazing cook, a giving woman, and I loved her tremendously. I am so grateful for the time we had and I am happy she is now at peace. Once I have taken my test I hope to be able to sit with my memories of her, and rejoice in the life she had.

Though it was 100 degrees where I live, the last few weeks have felt like the darkest nights of winter. As I was driving tonight I knew it was time to find my sun again.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Breathe In. Breathe Out

I am pretty sure my grandmother is dying. Sorry about the blunt opening. Her heart is failing, she is now on oxygen and she doesn't seem to remember things so well. I will miss her when she goes, but my real anxiety comes with my mother. After visiting my grandma today, I realized how little time I have left before I am the caretaker of a 54 year old woman. Before I will ever be ready that's for sure. I thought I would have years. I thought i would own a house with a detached apt. I thought I would be ready for this. I am so anxious for myself and what my life will become. My mother expects me to save her somehow. Most days I am barely keeping myself a float, and I realized today how selfish I have become. I am not the more thoughtful daughter, and I love my independence. In the end what ever happens, happens. All I can do is be the best in the situation, and not let it get me too down. A song from Mat Kearney popped into my head and it has been my mantra tonight. A big part of me wants to wallow tonight, so instead I am going to work out, go out to dinner, and to the movies. I am going to live positively as much as I can. This is a bleak post I know, and I am imagining worst case scenarios with my future roommate. God knows, living my mom will definitely give me more to blog about.
Here are my favorite lyrics:
Look left
Look right
To the moon and the night
And everything under the stars is in your arms.

May your night be full of positive things. Or at least lots to blog about.