Let the Turkey Extravaganza Begin...

In about 2 hours my holiday will begin with the annual dinner with my mom and grandma. So far the phone calls leading up to it have involved shame, guilt, mania, anger, and a grocery list for me to complete. Oh, wait I forgot the tears and the reference to my grandma and the family dog not living to see another Thanksgiving. Sigh. Tomorrow morning my father and I will make the annual trek to the coast to spend the weekend with his side of the family. At the end of it all I am thankful to have a loving family and another chance to make memories. Enjoy the weekend!

Sometimes life gets in the way of blogging...

I have not forgotten this place, I have just been super busy vacationing and then trying to get back into the swing of work. Hopefully this weekend I can update you on the agony and extasy that was my July. Until then I will leave you with a quote from Family Guy which is one of my favorite shows:

"Dad, what's the blow-hole for?"
"I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World."
- Chris and Peter

J'ai besoin de deux billets de train pour couvrir D'Ail...

I checked my blog analysis tonight and noticed I had a visitor from Paris, France. Lecteur bienvenu! Hopefully this stated "welcome reader" and not something inappropriate. It wouldn't be the first time a french to english translator burned me. In 1999 I spent 5 days in Paris as I traveled on my European tour. I spoke no French and would butcher it like a serial killer every time I attempted to speak. On my last day I was at the train station trying to get to Cap D'Ail, which is near Nice. Some how I ended up asking for two train tickets to Cap D'Adge, which is near Spain I think. Either way it was a 12 hour nightmare of train rides trying to find to get to our hostel. Which by the time we arrived that night was booked. We ended up spending 4 days in Nice and to this day it remains one of my favorite places. So thanks reader for reminding me of such a happy memory. I need to finish cleaning for my guest. Bonne nuit.

Happy S.A.D. And Screw You All I'm Going Home...


I get that I have offended Cupid. Probably due to my lack of a romantic relationship since Milli Vanilli was considered talented. I guess when you put your career over love, small babies with arrows get pissed. So far the highlights of S.A.D. -past included:

*The police ransacking my room looking for stolen goods that my brother "found" (aka stole out of the car belonging to a DEA agent).

*My mother checking herself into a psych ward, as a revenge tactic, then truly becoming psychotic. If I never see cheap cigarettes again it will be too soon.

While most people think today means hearts, flowers and all things beautiful, I just hope to make it through the day without an anvil dropping on my head.

This year the baby curse stayed true and I found myself stuck in an office for 4 hours with a coworker who I like to call McGee. Who, in case you read this blog, is the same person who told me that my eggs would turn to dust in 6 months and 16 days (not that I'm counting). Normally I can tune her out with online radio , fleeing to another office, or thoughts of alcoholic beverages, but then Cupid came to town. And I found out that I get to spend more time than normal with her every Thursday from now until retirement. As if I don't want to gouge my eyes balls out with a soup spoon enough. That would be a worker's comp right?

She stayed true to form today, and when talking to a woman who was African American, while watching a movie that had an African American woman in it, McGee says, "See she's just like you...(awkward pause in which I think WTF)... you know because she has two kids." Yeah sure.

The last and final blow to the grain of sand I call my dignity came when I spent dinner with my dad and his girlfriend. That's right folks, I was the third wheel on Valentine's Day. With my dad. Babies with Arrows, 3 Lorelai, 0. Game. Set. Match.

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Thanksgiving

Because my family seems to be going crazy. And by family I mean my mother. Whose recent manic episode involved her robbing my dead grandpa's mobile home to get all the clothes and pictures (and God only knows what else) she could find. His old girlfriend was not home at the time, but all the people in the trailer park came out to watch. It makes me laugh that my mother's burglary was the event of the day at the trailer park. And the funniest part was my mother left a note telling the girlfriend what she had done, and how it was to help her move on. Note to self-don't leave a note when you commit a criminal act.

Thankfully, when the girlfriend got home (from the casino) she threatened to call the police if everything wasn't returned. Because she wanted to give the clothes away to her family members. It creeps me out that everyone wants his clothes. I don't get it. It's not that they want one piece for sentimental value, they all think they are getting a new wardrobe (my mom kept trying to push a bunch of shorts and socks on me). I am thankful everything was returned because it means I won't get a dead man's clothes for Christmas. No disrespect to my g-pa but I have no desire to wear his old walking shorts (even if they have elastic around the waist).

I am also thankful I will be traveling to the coast to spend Thanksgiving with my dad's family. Sure my brother and his family will be there to cause drama (like the fact that he is spending $700 to rent a corvette to the coast and leaving his g-friend and their kids to find a ride), but I will have the buffer of 20 other people to keep his crazy from me. There will also be lots of alcohol on hand to also act as a crazy buffer. I wish everyone a wonderful (and crazy free) Thanksgiving. Good luck shopping on Black Friday.

Take two naps and call me in the morning

Turns out I had neither pneumonia nor valley fever. I was just tired and stressed. Have I mentioned I am a hypochondriac?

My Easter Sunday was spent watching the Master's Golf game with my dad, who fell asleep but would magically wake up if I reached for the remote control. Then I went to my mothers for dinner, and laughed as she and my grandma would yell at each other from various parts of the house (and they have a very small house).
One conversation went like this:
Mom: were you calling me?
G-ma: what?
Mom: were you calling me?
G-ma: what?
Mom: I said were you calling me?!?
G-ma: No. I was calling you. Your phone rang.
Mom: What? (and then it began again. I am trying to figure out how to tell my mom she needs to be checked for a hearing aid).

My brother decided to come into town with his brood. They stayed at my father's house and decided to have their Easter festivities at 7am. Needless to say I missed the egg hunt. Considering there was only one child participating I don't think I missed much.

Holiday Illness has struck again

I feel achey and tired and not at all hungry. So basically I am sick and will spend my Friday off tomorrow in the doctors office. So far this week I been around people who have colds, the flu, pnuemonia and valley fever. It is a banner week for sickness. Thanks Easter Bunny, you rock!

Curse of the Weapon Wielding Toddler

S.A.D. does not stand for Seasonal Affective Disorder this month, but Singles Awareness Day (or for you who have someone to call your own, Valentine's Day). I can remember being a child and loving Valentine's Day. I will admit any holiday whose major function is to receive candy is a winner in my book. As an adult this holiday has been less than lovely. Starting off with the fact that I never seem to have a date on this holy of holiest date nights. Luckily, I always have fellow S.A.D. members to commiserate with. It also doesn't help that I appear to have a V-day curse (thankfully it doesn't appear to be contagious to anyone except my immediate family).

It began when my father's house was searched by our cities finest, looking for my brother (and all the property he stole). At the time I was living with my father, so to come home and find everything you own in a pile on the floor is unsettling to say the least. For those who are unaware, when the Po-po have a warrant to search they look everywhere and through everything; pulling clothing out of drawers and your mattress off the bedspring. To be honest, my room was a sty before the Fuzz arrived, and more than anything I was embarrassed that someone had looked through things I considered personal (like dirty laundry). Even now when I see an officer I wonder if they had a part in pawing through my laundry or rummaging through the bowels of my cloest (finding nothing more than clothes and romance novels on the floor).

A year ago on Valentine's day my mother was hospitalized for 7 days. For those 7 days I commuted between work and school to her hospital, bringing her cigarettes, for her as well as her new friends in the hospital. I will admit it is funny looking back on how I tried to find 12 kinds of cigarettes for the different patients in my mother's ward. Many were brands I had never heard of and was told by countless store clerks were too cheap to be carried by their stores. Before this time I never knew a cigarette could be considered "too cheap" to be sold at a shop and rob. Not to mention I brought in all the other things patients requested (such as clothing and candy-which I found out was not allowed to be brought in to her wing-but cigarettes were ok-weird). Apparently I was the only one to visit a family member, so everyone had a request. And one night when I visited I got lost trying to leave and thought I would have to spend the night. Luckily I was saved by hospital staff.

I have been feeling out of sorts for the last two weeks and I knew it was because of the Cupid Curse. I have also not spoke to my mother in about a week and a half, due to this fear. Fear that her hospitalization was not a one time thing, but rather an annual event. I finally called her on Thursday and my fears were confirmed. She is beginning to get sick again and if it progresses she may need to be hospitalized. At this point there is nothing left but to wait it out. I am so looking forward Wednesday being over.

I leave you with this quote that pretty much sums up S.A.D. for me:

"I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon."
- Unknown