Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Someday I will look back and laugh at the fears I had regarding being fired....

Or I will feel a sense of awe that I had a flash into the future. Today I feel like it could go either way. As I was sitting at work today, after a public shaming by my manager, I realized that I don't trust my own greatness. I am so afraid of failing, because I feel like I am not good enough. I seriously feel like I could be fired any time from my job. And I would not be surprised.

Part of my fear is due to the crappy HR dept. at my job. Several people (who were incompetent) were let go after taking time off. I have been sick with food poisoning for the last 5 days (missing 3 days of work) and I walk in to the clinical director wanting to talk to me. I walk in to his office at 9am and wonder if I will lose my job this morning. I felt a sense of panic, and I tried to remain calm, but inside I was planning on moving in with my dad, putting my stuff in storage, and becoming a janitor (probably at my job which would be the ultimate). At the meeting the director (who is one of my best friends) tells me I do not have enough sick time to have 3 days off, and if I submit a sick time request a red flag will be set off in HR. Awesome. So I make it work, but being sick for 3 days means I now have to go to work on the anniversary of my mom death and when her body was found. Double awesome.

All day long I have felt not good enough. The afternoon meeting in which the manager highlighted all the ways I file wrong didn't help. Having people tell me they need paperwork right away didn't help either. I stayed late (later than the janitor, so I guess that's something), did some paper work, but all the time I felt less than the others I work with.

I carried that feeling home with me tonight. In the back of my head I thought about what being unemployed would do to me. I felt fear, shame, and all these negative emotions. I let it define me for a minute.

But then I said fuck it. I am more than my job. I am more than my degree. I am more than this organization. If I lose my job tomorrow, then bully for them. I the best I can be, and for the people I work for this is enough. I help bring about change and healing and love. Today I am enough.

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