Saturday, August 15, 2009

Breathe In. Breathe Out

I am pretty sure my grandmother is dying. Sorry about the blunt opening. Her heart is failing, she is now on oxygen and she doesn't seem to remember things so well. I will miss her when she goes, but my real anxiety comes with my mother. After visiting my grandma today, I realized how little time I have left before I am the caretaker of a 54 year old woman. Before I will ever be ready that's for sure. I thought I would have years. I thought i would own a house with a detached apt. I thought I would be ready for this. I am so anxious for myself and what my life will become. My mother expects me to save her somehow. Most days I am barely keeping myself a float, and I realized today how selfish I have become. I am not the more thoughtful daughter, and I love my independence. In the end what ever happens, happens. All I can do is be the best in the situation, and not let it get me too down. A song from Mat Kearney popped into my head and it has been my mantra tonight. A big part of me wants to wallow tonight, so instead I am going to work out, go out to dinner, and to the movies. I am going to live positively as much as I can. This is a bleak post I know, and I am imagining worst case scenarios with my future roommate. God knows, living my mom will definitely give me more to blog about.
Here are my favorite lyrics:
Look left
Look right
To the moon and the night
And everything under the stars is in your arms.

May your night be full of positive things. Or at least lots to blog about.

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