Because Many Hands Make Work Light...

I remember 3rd grade pretty well. My teacher was a dragon. An almost-nun who married a Pepsi distributor. The feeling I got even then was that she wished she had married Jesus. I can remember being terrified to enter 3rd grade because of her rep. And it takes a lot to really stand out as meaner than usual in a Catholic school. That being said, I never plotted to kill her.

Today the morning news stations were all abuzz with the news that several 3rd grade children were allegedly plotting to kill their teacher. Because she scolded one for standing on a chair (which is chump change in a Catholic school). The truly scary part was that this was an organized crime. Everyone brought an item to be used (handcuffs, a knife, a paperweight, duct and electrical tape, and ribbon). They even had kids assigned for look-out and clean-up duty. Some little snot nosed kid agreed to clean up the mess that would have come from stabbing and beating their teacher. Here's hoping all those kids begin therapy (especially the ring leaders). At work, all I can think of is what the kids are going to do to the snitch who tipped off the authorities. I mean, come on, if they wanted to kill their teacher for giving a command, what in the name of all that's holy will they do to the kid who got them busted?

No, I Don't Really Feel Lucky. Thanks For Asking.

An office manager called me to let me know I was "lucky" enough to be picked to attend a training at County Mental Health on how work their online training system. Then I get to come back and teach my new skills to others. First off, I am technology challenged (which is why this blog is so no frills). Secondly, the last training I went to at CMH I wanted to stab my eyes out with knitting needles. I need to remember to bring my knitting supplies. Just in case.

Maybe I Should Start Watching Prison Break Again...

Today I am mailing off my amended tax returns and the money I owe. Even though I have quadruple checked the forms (and my damn checks) I can't help but worry I missed something. Which means -worst case scenario: I will be arrested by the IRS (because they really want their $45.00) and sent to maximum security prison. And I can safely say I will not be okay in prison. I will have to kill someone to make everyone leave me alone. Then I will have to tattoo a tear on my face and I really hate needles (let alone prison needles). And I will have to learn how to make fried foods using nothing more than ground up prison meals I have smuggled back to my room, the oil from my unwashed hair, and a jimmy-jacked heat wand that was originally made to make tea. And thankfully I know in advance to avoid drinking the milk, so I won't get any diseases from that. This is all in my first week (of my 12 year sentence-which is what I am sure the judge will hand down).

Best Case Scenario: I will end up on a watch list for a while. You know, the she- can't-do-her-taxes-properly-and-we-need-to-make-sure-she-is-not-stealing-from-us list (SCDTPANTMSSINSFS for short). I am sure it will be similar to when I traveled to the Middle East one summer, and suddenly I was not able to fly without an orange sticker on everything (including me). This special treatment also included "random" searches of all my belongings every stop I had. Thankfully it did not include a strip search. The IRS doesn't strip search right?

Moral of the story-I am a pessimistic freak who doesn't have a lot to do at work today.

Serenity Now...

Did you ever have a day where nothing went right? Aside from being repeatedly told I was doing things wrong (and I have to say I hit a new high for the sheer number of people who corrected me). During lunch my spinach exploded in the office microwave and line of hungry women stared me down as I quickly tried to clean the mess. Just when I could see the light and it's time to go home a coworker tells me she googles me late at night. As I got into my car to go home I realized that this creepy moment is the highlight of my day. And I proceeded to set a measuring cup on fire as I cook dinner.

If I Had A Million Dollars...

Because McGee is currently in a meeting I am able to sing out loud in my office. This song always makes me smile.

Best Contraception...

Saturday I shopped and lunched with Supermommy and her kids. Her little girl has entered into the terrible 2's with 2 months to spare. She has a scream that stops people in their tracks. Or maybe just me, but either way you could hear her screaming her displeasure from 10 cars away.

For lunch we had bagels and juice. Supermommy warned me to look away, because while her daughter is many things a neat eater is not one of them. The first time I gave her pb&j I vurped a little. During this lunch she was pretty good. I think she was too hungry to rub anything in her face, hair, or ears. I did well until I saw her juice cup, with the floating pieces of bagel and the swirling globs of cream cheese. Supermommy lifted the cup up a little and swished it like a fine wine, letting the food particles float in the juice, looked at me and said, "Isn't this the best contraception you've ever seen?" I told her it was better than the health video I saw in high school.

Well At Least He Wasn't 70

Many who know me well know that I am shy and I attract the greatest generation. My theory is that these gentleman know I will take care of them. I am pretty sure my pheromones smell like oatmeal and Ben-gay.

Last night I talked to a horse of a different color. As I was in line waiting to order sliced turkey at the supermarket, a man initiated conversation. You know, usual, do you live here (in the city not the store), what do you do, and are you analyzing me right now? I learned he was a truck driver whose route is Salt Lake City to Oakland. He hates it when other truck drivers curse on the CB radio and he refers to African Americans as "Negroes." This last piece shocked me and I didn't know what to say (besides the 1950's are calling and they want their word back). I also learned that he is married with 2 daughters, and he's trying to avoid putting his truck on a scale (why I was afraid to ask).

I was happy with myself for talking with him, until it felt like he was following me around the store. Then I just prayed I would get out before he killed me and left small pieces of my body along 1-5. Sure he was a freak. But he wasn't 70.

Fan-freaking-tastic

I think this will be my word of the day. Maybe because there is a bee hive in my roof near my front door, and it is unknown when the people who remove such things will be out. Or it could be due to the fact that I filed my tax return early, and then forgot to include a W-2. The tax refund I was so excited about has now been made smaller by the money I now owe the gov't.

Big Girl Purchase Take 2

Today my new bed is being delivred. Hopefully this one won't hurt, but even if it does I have a trial warrantly. Wish me luck.

BYOZ

Yesterday my cousin got married. During the dinner my mom and I were discussing how great the food was. My mom said she was full, and then pulled a ziploc bag out of her purse. And proceeded to fill it with all the tri-tip and turkey she did not ea then put the bag back in her purse. It was good tri-tip.

*not sure why the picture of the wedding cake is tilted. Every time I look at it on my computer it's rotated the right way.

Lifestyles of the (possibly) written up and really creeped out.

How have I never had make-your-own honey roasted peanut butter before now? So delish I went back for more at Whole Foods tonight. Thanks to Supermommy for recommending it.

Something I could live without? The creepy guy at Blockbuster staring and smiling at me through the window as I droppped my movies off and then got back in my car. He didn't look away until I actually drove off. Glad to know I still attract the freaks.

Lastly, I may be fired from my job for a reason I had never considered before. I am not allowed to check personal email at work, and yesterday was so hellish I used my work email to send a message to a friend. Well she responsed back and because she used "sex" and dropped an f-bomb the email was confiscated before I could read it and went somewhere in HR. Fan-freaking-tastic. If I get fired before McGee I am going to be so pissed.

Well The Upside Is That This Probably Won't Be The Worst Day Of My Life.

My mother chilled in the parking lot of my office today for hours. Her car broke down and she called to borrow mine. I thought borrow automatically implied leaving, but what she meant was smoking in my car in the parking lot. When taking a break from smoking she came in and talked to office staff about how I have a wealthy g-ma and am just doing this work because I care. Nice. I thought she had left to run errands, and it wasn't until the end of her stay in my car that I realized how long she had been there.

At one point she saw Stanley coming out of a building and shouted, "Are you Carl or Stanley? Either way I am Lore's mom and I have pictures of you on my computer." Thankfully he realized that this was not as creepy as it sounded.

My mother is also beginning to hallucinate, so before she left she warned me to watch out for other cars who may now be tailing my car. Big Sigh.

My day also included a 3 hour shopping trip with McGee, who incidentally has no concept of personal space along with her lack of appropriate conversation.

This day ended with a migraine which was a total shocker.

Because It Takes A Village To Raise An Ape...

Last week I attended training for work. As if being trapped in a car with co-workers for hours on end listening to the sob stories on Delilah isn't bad enough, the training also blew chunks. The trainer was a crier. The instance occurred when he was talking about a research study concerning gorillas in a zoo. Apparently researchers swapped babies and mommas to see how temperament affects parenting (my first question is this: how you can you definitively talk about temperament in apes, and my second question is: did they take into account that some apes might be pissed at losing their babies and being given new ones). Apparently, the study found that it took a super-ape-mommy to raise a difficult gorilla-baby. If the difficult ape-baby was raised by an average ape-mommy or even a "bad" ape-mommy, then they became isolated and ostracized in their group. But, if it was raised by a June Cleaver-ape, difficult gorillas grew up to lead the group (cue crying) and save everyone from threats (like zoo keepers trying to take away their babies?).

The trainer then went on to talk about (and cry about) how Winston Churchill saved the Queen and her people in WWII (I think it was because he was raised by a super-gorilla).

The most screwed up part of this story is that I am a social crier, so every time monkey boy fell apart at the thought of super-gorillas, I cried with him. In case you were wondering, my training was on how to run a child group (using puppets no less, so imagine monkey boy crying about super gorillas while holding a giant puppet). Needless to say I feel ill equipped to do anything but cry about baby gorillas and the insurmountable power of the English people. Another successful training by I.Y.

I forgot to also mention that Monkey-boy had the flu during this training. After two days of watching him sweat or holding his hand to his mouth to stop the puke, he wanted to shake hands with everyone who finished the the training. Like I said it blew chunks.

Fabulous

My night ended with me struggling to remove the shirt I tied around my waist. It was stuck to the big wad of gum on my jeans Earlier this evening I sat in it while having dinner with friends. It wasn't discovered until I began walking away that the sound of laughter and pointing fingers became my guide to trouble. My friend first tried to remove it. Did I mention the gum was attached to a card board holder? We soon learned how much bigger the gum spot can become when you attempt to remove the card board it's attached to. So I tied a shirt around my waist. Fast forward to me in my living room trying to remove the shirt that was now stuck to my jeans. Thank God it's a 3 day weekend.

Happy S.A.D. And Screw You All I'm Going Home...


I get that I have offended Cupid. Probably due to my lack of a romantic relationship since Milli Vanilli was considered talented. I guess when you put your career over love, small babies with arrows get pissed. So far the highlights of S.A.D. -past included:

*The police ransacking my room looking for stolen goods that my brother "found" (aka stole out of the car belonging to a DEA agent).

*My mother checking herself into a psych ward, as a revenge tactic, then truly becoming psychotic. If I never see cheap cigarettes again it will be too soon.

While most people think today means hearts, flowers and all things beautiful, I just hope to make it through the day without an anvil dropping on my head.

This year the baby curse stayed true and I found myself stuck in an office for 4 hours with a coworker who I like to call McGee. Who, in case you read this blog, is the same person who told me that my eggs would turn to dust in 6 months and 16 days (not that I'm counting). Normally I can tune her out with online radio , fleeing to another office, or thoughts of alcoholic beverages, but then Cupid came to town. And I found out that I get to spend more time than normal with her every Thursday from now until retirement. As if I don't want to gouge my eyes balls out with a soup spoon enough. That would be a worker's comp right?

She stayed true to form today, and when talking to a woman who was African American, while watching a movie that had an African American woman in it, McGee says, "See she's just like you...(awkward pause in which I think WTF)... you know because she has two kids." Yeah sure.

The last and final blow to the grain of sand I call my dignity came when I spent dinner with my dad and his girlfriend. That's right folks, I was the third wheel on Valentine's Day. With my dad. Babies with Arrows, 3 Lorelai, 0. Game. Set. Match.

It's definitely one way to go about it...

I wouldn't know anything about annoying coworkers. Nothing at all. But, if I had an annoying co-worker (and was okay being fired for sexual harrassment), this is one way to get rid of him (or her).

And, if you were wondering how to tell a child their mother has died, this is not the way.

Thanks to Carl for YouTube surfing with me last night. We discovered thatBrokeTrek was the best of the Brokeback parodies. After we discovered there are a lot of Brokeback parodies.

"Ash Wednesday, the holiday during which Catholics mark the beginning of Lent by creeping out their coworkers." -Tina Fey

I thought of this SNL quote today when someone came into a morning meeting with ashes on her forhead. Being Catholic, this was expected, but I wondered what others thought. I hope that all my Catholics peeps are wearing the ash proudly, and not creeping out co-workers.

Laissez Le Bon Temp Rouler


Happy Mardi Gras! Remember- it's not worth getting arrested for indecent exposure over cheap beads. Even if Hulk Hogan is throwing them your way.

And don't forget to vote if you live in a state that's voting today!

Celebrating S.A.D. with sweet dejection




I usually don't buy myself a present for Singles Awareness Day (aka Valentine's Day), but when I saw these candies at www.despair.com I had to get them. I got a box for all my single friends, because I care. Today after super boring meeting I gave Stanley a heart that said, "a fine whine."

"Morpheus doesn't play football. He plays jacks."-Fishbourne's answer

I will admit I don't know much about football, and I only watch the Superbowl for the halftime comercials. That being said, what in the name of all that's holy is Ryan Seacrest doing hosting the Superbowl opening? Was Joan Rivers too busy? And why is there a red carpet? So far I have seen Roger Federer and a kid actor from Narnia. I've also had the pleasure of watching Seacrest ask Laurence Fishbourne how Morpheus would do if he played in the Superbowl. I think I'll watch the CW now. Lorelai out.