Friends help you move. Real friends help you move dead bodies.
I have been thinking of this quote all week as I think of two of my best friends, Carl and Stanley. Not only were they an amazing resource for me with all the craziness of funeral and reception planning, but they are the most helpful people I know. On the day my mom died my uncle told me that when my mom's ashes were ready to be picked up I could just pick up my grandmother's ashes too. Awe. Some.
From the beginning they have said that they will help me figure out how to scatter 4 sets of ashes (mom, grandma and two dogs). And let me tell you, yesterday I looked online for suggestions in making the scattering more respectful, and I came away more disturbed then ever. Through this whole process I have been overwhelmed, stressed, angry at unhelpful people, and absolutely blessed with all the good people in my life.
It's funny the things I have learned about myself through this process. One is that I am terrified that when I try to scatter their ashes I will then be covered in dead people/animals. And the second is that I am really freaked out about the thought of looking at my mom or grandma's ashes. When the time comes to scatter them I know I can count of Carl and Stanley to help me do whatever I need to. Even if that means making them dump them while I stand far far away.
Okay I really learned three things about myself. The third being I am very disrespectful of this entire process. When ever I talk about scattering the ashes I use the words "dump the bodies." I guess a career as a funeral director is not in my cards.
This week has been a whirwind of emotions, but I am always comforted by the support of my friends and family.
Showing posts with label the fun in dysfunctional. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the fun in dysfunctional. Show all posts
Friday, October 09, 2009
Monday, March 31, 2008
Maybe I Should Start Watching Prison Break Again...
Today I am mailing off my amended tax returns and the money I owe. Even though I have quadruple checked the forms (and my damn checks) I can't help but worry I missed something. Which means -worst case scenario: I will be arrested by the IRS (because they really want their $45.00) and sent to maximum security prison. And I can safely say I will not be okay in prison. I will have to kill someone to make everyone leave me alone. Then I will have to tattoo a tear on my face and I really hate needles (let alone prison needles). And I will have to learn how to make fried foods using nothing more than ground up prison meals I have smuggled back to my room, the oil from my unwashed hair, and a jimmy-jacked heat wand that was originally made to make tea. And thankfully I know in advance to avoid drinking the milk, so I won't get any diseases from that. This is all in my first week (of my 12 year sentence-which is what I am sure the judge will hand down).
Best Case Scenario: I will end up on a watch list for a while. You know, the she- can't-do-her-taxes-properly-and-we-need-to-make-sure-she-is-not-stealing-from-us list (SCDTPANTMSSINSFS for short). I am sure it will be similar to when I traveled to the Middle East one summer, and suddenly I was not able to fly without an orange sticker on everything (including me). This special treatment also included "random" searches of all my belongings every stop I had. Thankfully it did not include a strip search. The IRS doesn't strip search right?
Moral of the story-I am a pessimistic freak who doesn't have a lot to do at work today.
Today I am mailing off my amended tax returns and the money I owe. Even though I have quadruple checked the forms (and my damn checks) I can't help but worry I missed something. Which means -worst case scenario: I will be arrested by the IRS (because they really want their $45.00) and sent to maximum security prison. And I can safely say I will not be okay in prison. I will have to kill someone to make everyone leave me alone. Then I will have to tattoo a tear on my face and I really hate needles (let alone prison needles). And I will have to learn how to make fried foods using nothing more than ground up prison meals I have smuggled back to my room, the oil from my unwashed hair, and a jimmy-jacked heat wand that was originally made to make tea. And thankfully I know in advance to avoid drinking the milk, so I won't get any diseases from that. This is all in my first week (of my 12 year sentence-which is what I am sure the judge will hand down).
Best Case Scenario: I will end up on a watch list for a while. You know, the she- can't-do-her-taxes-properly-and-we-need-to-make-sure-she-is-not-stealing-from-us list (SCDTPANTMSSINSFS for short). I am sure it will be similar to when I traveled to the Middle East one summer, and suddenly I was not able to fly without an orange sticker on everything (including me). This special treatment also included "random" searches of all my belongings every stop I had. Thankfully it did not include a strip search. The IRS doesn't strip search right?
Moral of the story-I am a pessimistic freak who doesn't have a lot to do at work today.
Saturday, March 01, 2008
BYOZ
Yesterday my cousin got married. During the dinner my mom and I were discussing how great the food was. My mom said she was full, and then pulled a ziploc bag out of her purse. And proceeded to fill it with all the tri-tip and turkey she did not ea then put the bag back in her purse. It was good tri-tip.
*not sure why the picture of the wedding cake is tilted. Every time I look at it on my computer it's rotated the right way.
Yesterday my cousin got married. During the dinner my mom and I were discussing how great the food was. My mom said she was full, and then pulled a ziploc bag out of her purse. And proceeded to fill it with all the tri-tip and turkey she did not ea then put the bag back in her purse. It was good tri-tip.
*not sure why the picture of the wedding cake is tilted. Every time I look at it on my computer it's rotated the right way.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
I Survived (But I Did Have A Drink The Night I Came Home)...,
My weekend with my mom went better than I expected. I wouldn't call it the best of my life, but I got through it and had fun. To be totally honest it was an eye opening weekend for me. The things I was expecting (like for her to become totally stuck in the past or have severe hallucinations) did not happen. Instead it was like we switched roles. I felt like it was my job to watch out for her and be the grownup.
Some highlights included:
*My mother stopping on the street or any other public place to count the money in her wallet. She would actually pull the money out to do this. How we weren't mugged is beyond me.
*She would also become best friends with total strangers and would proceed to tell them her political/religious/food/cigarette preferences. Then she would try and draw me into the conversation. I am a fairly stranger=danger type person so I would simply smile and walk a few feet away until she was done.
*She burped at me about every 10 minutes. Mostly when we were in the car or in the hotel room, but in public too. The night she ate lobster and crab I almost pulled a Linda Blair. It was like being around my brother when he was 12 (minus the spit wads he would throw at me).
*On our last day she walked in to an antique shop and proceeded to break a lamp worth about a grand. She had a panic attack, but the owner said she wasn't responsible for damages (the lamp has been previously broken and repaired). My mom then told the owner she would buy something (but since she didn't have enough money I got to buy a small perfume bottle for 100.00. Which was a total rip off in my book, but I don't know bottles). In a way this was karma biting me in the ass because the day before I was holding on to a necklace for my mom and it slipped out of my purse somehow (and yes it cost around 100.00).
*Our hotel room was something out of a scary movie (thanks Orbitz). There was mold all over the ceiling in the bathroom. The door to our room looked like someone tried to claw their way out. and the bedroom area smelled like pine sol and funk. I imagine the person who stayed before us died, and the maid thought pine sol would cover the smell of death.
*She has also become really prejudiced towards others. I never noticed this before but when she saw someone she didn't like (Hispanic, Black, old people, Harley riders, teenagers) she would make a mean comment. Out loud. And the people were usually about a foot away from her every time. A little awkward. In my mind she was the female Archie Bunker. Surprisingly, she was okay with a lesbian couple she saw. She told me she thought it was neat that they could be open. At least she likes someone.
*I realized how tense I am when I am around her. Don't get me wrong, I think it is understandable to a point (especially since I never know what her reaction is to any given situation), but I don't want to spend the rest of my life being reserved and tense. Especially since mom spent most of the weekend talking about how I would eventually be like her and my g-ma (which translated to angry and bitter in her mind). When she would say such things I would pull a Whitney Houston in my head ("Oh Hell To The No!").
While we were going home she seemed to revert back to her hallucinations. It was painful when she spent a great deal of time talking to me about the cars that are following her and the people who harass her. I tried to get her to seek a new psychiatrist, but she told me she can't take those meds and she doesn't need them anyway (because she is not hallucinating). Until she gets so bad she needs to be hospitalized it is out of my hands, so I turned up my music a little louder and tried to think of other things.
After I dropped her at her house I went to the store and bought booze. I had a drink to celebrate getting through the weekend relatively unscathed. I then went out to dinner with friends.
My weekend with my mom went better than I expected. I wouldn't call it the best of my life, but I got through it and had fun. To be totally honest it was an eye opening weekend for me. The things I was expecting (like for her to become totally stuck in the past or have severe hallucinations) did not happen. Instead it was like we switched roles. I felt like it was my job to watch out for her and be the grownup.
Some highlights included:
*My mother stopping on the street or any other public place to count the money in her wallet. She would actually pull the money out to do this. How we weren't mugged is beyond me.
*She would also become best friends with total strangers and would proceed to tell them her political/religious/food/cigarette preferences. Then she would try and draw me into the conversation. I am a fairly stranger=danger type person so I would simply smile and walk a few feet away until she was done.
*She burped at me about every 10 minutes. Mostly when we were in the car or in the hotel room, but in public too. The night she ate lobster and crab I almost pulled a Linda Blair. It was like being around my brother when he was 12 (minus the spit wads he would throw at me).
*On our last day she walked in to an antique shop and proceeded to break a lamp worth about a grand. She had a panic attack, but the owner said she wasn't responsible for damages (the lamp has been previously broken and repaired). My mom then told the owner she would buy something (but since she didn't have enough money I got to buy a small perfume bottle for 100.00. Which was a total rip off in my book, but I don't know bottles). In a way this was karma biting me in the ass because the day before I was holding on to a necklace for my mom and it slipped out of my purse somehow (and yes it cost around 100.00).
*Our hotel room was something out of a scary movie (thanks Orbitz). There was mold all over the ceiling in the bathroom. The door to our room looked like someone tried to claw their way out. and the bedroom area smelled like pine sol and funk. I imagine the person who stayed before us died, and the maid thought pine sol would cover the smell of death.
*She has also become really prejudiced towards others. I never noticed this before but when she saw someone she didn't like (Hispanic, Black, old people, Harley riders, teenagers) she would make a mean comment. Out loud. And the people were usually about a foot away from her every time. A little awkward. In my mind she was the female Archie Bunker. Surprisingly, she was okay with a lesbian couple she saw. She told me she thought it was neat that they could be open. At least she likes someone.
*I realized how tense I am when I am around her. Don't get me wrong, I think it is understandable to a point (especially since I never know what her reaction is to any given situation), but I don't want to spend the rest of my life being reserved and tense. Especially since mom spent most of the weekend talking about how I would eventually be like her and my g-ma (which translated to angry and bitter in her mind). When she would say such things I would pull a Whitney Houston in my head ("Oh Hell To The No!").
While we were going home she seemed to revert back to her hallucinations. It was painful when she spent a great deal of time talking to me about the cars that are following her and the people who harass her. I tried to get her to seek a new psychiatrist, but she told me she can't take those meds and she doesn't need them anyway (because she is not hallucinating). Until she gets so bad she needs to be hospitalized it is out of my hands, so I turned up my music a little louder and tried to think of other things.
After I dropped her at her house I went to the store and bought booze. I had a drink to celebrate getting through the weekend relatively unscathed. I then went out to dinner with friends.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Things I Heard At Dinner Tonight
The premise: My brother and his brood came into town for a funeral tomorrow (and though my mother has been practicing singing, it was not my grandfather who passed away). It was decided that dinner tonight would be for my mom's side of the family. While at work I received about 12 phone calls, all telling me dinner was at 7pm (and that was all every message said). My mother even found the number to the school I (am almost) graduated from and called there as well. Finally I called her and told her I was seeing clients and I would be there. She immediately called me back and asked me to look on the internet for plans to an easy to assemble parakeet aviary. I reminded her I was seeing clients and couldn't do that then tried to shut my phone off.
So now onto to dinner. My mother is apparently losing her hearing and shouted the entire meal. Mostly she shouted about how great her dentures look.
She also talked about:
Her IBS (and all the foods she couldn't eat because of it)
Her anxiety (and why she could only eat at Applebee's because of her panic attacks)
The song she will sing at my grandfather's funeral (and how no one wants to sing with her)
How great her dentures look (and was there any food in them?)
Uncomfortable comments about my aunt and uncle having money (and how they were paying for dinner)
Uncomfortable comments about her being poor (and how she couldn't afford to pay for dinner)
She also drank 2 amaretto shots and then said she needed to be driven home. (My aunt was chosen to play dd, but then my mom said she was okay)
And to top it off every conversation also had to be repeated because my cousin who is partially deaf refuses to wear hearing aids but wants to know what every one is talking about.
The twins (who are about 5 months old) screamed for the first 2 hours. A chandelier bulb shattered near our table and I am half convinced their crying caused it.
I walked away full (the new shrimp salad is good), but with a headache. Good times.
The premise: My brother and his brood came into town for a funeral tomorrow (and though my mother has been practicing singing, it was not my grandfather who passed away). It was decided that dinner tonight would be for my mom's side of the family. While at work I received about 12 phone calls, all telling me dinner was at 7pm (and that was all every message said). My mother even found the number to the school I (am almost) graduated from and called there as well. Finally I called her and told her I was seeing clients and I would be there. She immediately called me back and asked me to look on the internet for plans to an easy to assemble parakeet aviary. I reminded her I was seeing clients and couldn't do that then tried to shut my phone off.
So now onto to dinner. My mother is apparently losing her hearing and shouted the entire meal. Mostly she shouted about how great her dentures look.
She also talked about:
Her IBS (and all the foods she couldn't eat because of it)
Her anxiety (and why she could only eat at Applebee's because of her panic attacks)
The song she will sing at my grandfather's funeral (and how no one wants to sing with her)
How great her dentures look (and was there any food in them?)
Uncomfortable comments about my aunt and uncle having money (and how they were paying for dinner)
Uncomfortable comments about her being poor (and how she couldn't afford to pay for dinner)
She also drank 2 amaretto shots and then said she needed to be driven home. (My aunt was chosen to play dd, but then my mom said she was okay)
And to top it off every conversation also had to be repeated because my cousin who is partially deaf refuses to wear hearing aids but wants to know what every one is talking about.
The twins (who are about 5 months old) screamed for the first 2 hours. A chandelier bulb shattered near our table and I am half convinced their crying caused it.
I walked away full (the new shrimp salad is good), but with a headache. Good times.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
My Presence is Requested (cue horror music)
I got a phone call from my mother today asking me to come to dinner tonight. She is having other family over and has something important to say. Nothing about this can be good, but (thankfully) I am going to see Harry Potter (movies on a work night seem so decadent) at 9 so I can only stay for one hour. Wish me luck.
The food at dinner should be interesting too. My grandma (who lives with my mom like the dysfunctional golden girls) was recently diagnosed with diabetes. Her whole life if it wasn't deep fried it wasn't dinner. I am guessing there will be a cheesy casserole of some sort (hopefully with no mayo) tonight.
*On a side note, I had a dream about Freud last night. It was like we were friends (it was a young version of Freud). He seemed cool. He never once told me I had penis envy or I wanted to marry my father, but I do think we talked about cigars. This is what I get for eating corn pops before bed.
I got a phone call from my mother today asking me to come to dinner tonight. She is having other family over and has something important to say. Nothing about this can be good, but (thankfully) I am going to see Harry Potter (movies on a work night seem so decadent) at 9 so I can only stay for one hour. Wish me luck.
The food at dinner should be interesting too. My grandma (who lives with my mom like the dysfunctional golden girls) was recently diagnosed with diabetes. Her whole life if it wasn't deep fried it wasn't dinner. I am guessing there will be a cheesy casserole of some sort (hopefully with no mayo) tonight.
*On a side note, I had a dream about Freud last night. It was like we were friends (it was a young version of Freud). He seemed cool. He never once told me I had penis envy or I wanted to marry my father, but I do think we talked about cigars. This is what I get for eating corn pops before bed.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Mom shaved her legs, someone got punched in a bathroom, and a conversation with mall security. All this and more in Weekend Recap.
After my dad's b-day dinner we went to this department store to find something for my g-pa for father's day. This is a nice store, upscale like Nordstroms. We got in just before closing. I found my g-pa golf shirts, and my friend found something to wear for a wedding she was attending the next day. Her mom and my dad were hanging out waiting for us to finish. Her mom used the restroom and could hear several girls who sounded drunk. She found us waiting in line to pay. She explained what she heard then stated she was going to find a manager. My friend said she wanted to see what was happening and walked in. About a minute later 3 young girls (like 16 or so) stumble out. They say something about someone getting hit and walk away. We walk into the bathroom and my friend is holding a paper towel to her lip and stated she was punched when she told them to quiet down.
The cashier called the manager. The manager called the mall cops. The mall cops came and did nothing. We found one of the girls--her friends ditched her. She started off acting tough but by the end of the night she was crying and wanting to go home (we broke her with kindness). My friend's mom paid for a cab to take her home. Standing there listen to my friend and this young girl talk, I once again realized how sheltered my life is. I have never been in a bathroom brawl, or been so drunk/high I felt like I could take anyone on. I was also never allowed to dress like a prostitute when I left the house. I thought about that girl this weekend and I hope she is okay. I also hope the swelling went down in my friend's lip in time for the wedding she attended.
I also had father's day activities all day on Sunday. Beginning with my mom's side. We had a luncheon for my g-pa and it began was with my mom talking about shaving her legs in honor of the occasion. I wasn't sure how to respond to that so I ignored it. She also mentioned wanting to get a hummingbird tattoo. Again I ignored this. Lastly she brought out pictures of the fam. Some dating back to me in junior high. Those were not good years for me. I came to the realization that my mom is a crappy picture taker, but only in pictures she takes of me. If I am talking or making an awful face she was there. I love candids as much as the next person, but I like there to still be prettiness in the candid. One picture was so close of me you could see my nose pores. And it looked like my eyes were crossed. I took the pics with me to be destroyed. If I hadn't they would have ended up on my wedding cake. Thanks mom.
I also saw Ocean's 13 and hand my first mojito (or half of one). All in all it was an entertaining weekend. Next weekend is more family events, so I am sure there will be more stories.
After my dad's b-day dinner we went to this department store to find something for my g-pa for father's day. This is a nice store, upscale like Nordstroms. We got in just before closing. I found my g-pa golf shirts, and my friend found something to wear for a wedding she was attending the next day. Her mom and my dad were hanging out waiting for us to finish. Her mom used the restroom and could hear several girls who sounded drunk. She found us waiting in line to pay. She explained what she heard then stated she was going to find a manager. My friend said she wanted to see what was happening and walked in. About a minute later 3 young girls (like 16 or so) stumble out. They say something about someone getting hit and walk away. We walk into the bathroom and my friend is holding a paper towel to her lip and stated she was punched when she told them to quiet down.
The cashier called the manager. The manager called the mall cops. The mall cops came and did nothing. We found one of the girls--her friends ditched her. She started off acting tough but by the end of the night she was crying and wanting to go home (we broke her with kindness). My friend's mom paid for a cab to take her home. Standing there listen to my friend and this young girl talk, I once again realized how sheltered my life is. I have never been in a bathroom brawl, or been so drunk/high I felt like I could take anyone on. I was also never allowed to dress like a prostitute when I left the house. I thought about that girl this weekend and I hope she is okay. I also hope the swelling went down in my friend's lip in time for the wedding she attended.
I also had father's day activities all day on Sunday. Beginning with my mom's side. We had a luncheon for my g-pa and it began was with my mom talking about shaving her legs in honor of the occasion. I wasn't sure how to respond to that so I ignored it. She also mentioned wanting to get a hummingbird tattoo. Again I ignored this. Lastly she brought out pictures of the fam. Some dating back to me in junior high. Those were not good years for me. I came to the realization that my mom is a crappy picture taker, but only in pictures she takes of me. If I am talking or making an awful face she was there. I love candids as much as the next person, but I like there to still be prettiness in the candid. One picture was so close of me you could see my nose pores. And it looked like my eyes were crossed. I took the pics with me to be destroyed. If I hadn't they would have ended up on my wedding cake. Thanks mom.
I also saw Ocean's 13 and hand my first mojito (or half of one). All in all it was an entertaining weekend. Next weekend is more family events, so I am sure there will be more stories.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)