Another day of learning new things about myself...

The good:
*I can make an incredible sugar scrub that smells like macaroons. I like smelling like cookies.

*I can force myself to stay awake at work while drugged out on muscle relaxers and ibuprofen.

*I have sweet coworkers who will drive me to Sonic because I took said medications. Diet Dr. pepper with diet cherry flavoring is my fave.

*I have lost 9 lbs going low fat/no carb.

*I found a low fat sugar free ice cream. And I did not eat the whole thing in one sitting.

*My pretty new luggage should be arriving tomorrow.

The challenging:
*I cannot actually work while drugged out on muscle relaxers and ibuprofen. I just shuffle papers around and try not to slump over at my desk drooling. I sent emails out to people and tomorrow I will recheck them to see if they made sense.

*I have 6 weeks until I go on a Caribbean vacation and my body is still pasty, my arms are still jiggly like a lunch lady, and my tummy still looks like I should have interesting birthing stories. And I can't really do anything about my arms or tummy because I pulled a muscle in my neck and shoulder area this weekend. Hence my current medication regime.

*No matter how old I get or how drugged I am, it is hard to let go of negative things people say about me.

*I cannot cook a steak medium rare. But if you want a tough, chewy overly well done steak, then call me and I will share my secrets.

I may be mad but my kitchen is sure clean...

My upside to angry feelings is cleaning. Aside from cleaning the kitchen with a vengeance last night, I have also been working out longer at the gym. I have even tried to jog it out. Which is dangerous because I just end up tripping over my feet. As thrilled as I am for this week to be over, I have an 8 a.m. class on statistics to look forward to on Saturday morning. Yeah, this week's a peach. Tomorrow's going to be so much fun I am already anticipating cleaning my bedrooms when I get home from the gym.

Sometimes life gets in the way of blogging...

I have not forgotten this place, I have just been super busy vacationing and then trying to get back into the swing of work. Hopefully this weekend I can update you on the agony and extasy that was my July. Until then I will leave you with a quote from Family Guy which is one of my favorite shows:

"Dad, what's the blow-hole for?"
"I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World."
- Chris and Peter

It's been awhile...

I have started this new "program" of waking up early to work out and going to bed early. Being a grown up is hard work. I am missing all the best tv at night. But I guess it's worth it to be to work on time (for the most part).

Speaking of work, things with McGee ebb and flow craziness. Recently, Supermommy came to see me and McGee was overwhelmed by her pregnancy. Which turned into a long discussion of her own children's births. MCGee stated she pulled her youngest child out of her va-jay-jay herself, so now I have this Lion King image of her holding the baby up for everyone in the delivery room to see. I have retold this story several times and have yet to tell it with out reaching down and simulating the pull-out process.

I guess it goes with out saying that I have searched out safe places to get my work done. I have found an office that no one is using and it has become my hide-a-way.

I have also been studying for my licensure exams. Or sometimes thinking about studying. I wonder if I will ever feel prepared for this test. Sigh.

So far the best part of my late spring life has been selling blueberries with my dad and other family members. It has been wonderful seeing my peeps and watching my dad socialize with everyone while he eats all the fair type food.

That sums up my last month of life. What's shaking with you?

Fear #457: Puppets

Soon I will be leading a preschool group as a part of my job. For this group we are required to use toddler-size puppets who are "group members." I am not a fan of puppets, and I am not afraid to say I am even afraid of them. I am not entirely convinced they won't come alive in the middle of the night and try to cut my fingers off. As someone who is almost 30, I get this fear is ridiculous, but thus far I have been able to control it by not being around minions of Satan puppets. The puppets for our new group arrived last week, and since I won't touch them, McGee got the job of putting them away. I expected them to be in a box, or in a cupboard. I did not expect them to be in chairs and shelves around the office all facing me. At first I thought it might be unintentional, but then I remembered who I am taking about. Because I don’t want to show more fear than I already have I pretend this is not creeping me out. My next step in overcoming my puppet fear is to find my “puppet voice” so I can begin practicing using them with kids. Right now the only “voice” I can think of is the evil-whispery voice little kids use, but I don’t think that will be conducive to telling a bunch of preschoolers the importance of sharing and being a good friend. I welcome any and all suggestions to overcoming my puppet fear and finding my inner puppet voice. Happy Friday.

If I Had A Million Dollars...

Because McGee is currently in a meeting I am able to sing out loud in my office. This song always makes me smile.

"Ash Wednesday, the holiday during which Catholics mark the beginning of Lent by creeping out their coworkers." -Tina Fey

I thought of this SNL quote today when someone came into a morning meeting with ashes on her forhead. Being Catholic, this was expected, but I wondered what others thought. I hope that all my Catholics peeps are wearing the ash proudly, and not creeping out co-workers.

The Latest Scoop About My Co-Workers

I had a weird smell day and I finally figured it out. A co-worker smelled like cat litter. Before I narrowed it down to her I was wondering if there was an office pet no one told me about.

Thoughts On Dusty Eggs and Still Having It
This weekend I became 1 year closer to turning 30. Looking back on the past year I have a lot to be happy about. This was the year I graduated and got a job with grown up benefits. I have not had a lot of negative thoughts on turning 30. I know this can be a hard year for some people, but for me 26 was a hard year. As a child that was the year I imagined myself married and with a child of my own (or more than one). I imagine 30 as more of a year I will do something incredible. Like have my ovaries crumble into a pile of dust. Let me 'splain...

Every year I have dinner with my friends. This is a celebration I treasure. Usually. This year brought a little something special. I have a friend who suffers from diarrhea of the mouth (let's call her McGee). It's an unfortunate disease but she is able to keep it under control most of the time. She is older than myself, and struggles with the expectations from her younger years. During dinner someone asked me if I was nervous about the upcoming 30th. I asked if I should be (trying to be funny and keep it light). That's when McGee broke in and said that most women are terrified about turning 30 because that's when they know they've lost all the good child bearing years. She then went into detail about how old and decrepit my eggs would become in 363 days (as she was talking I swear my eggs shriveled a little in horror of their impending doom). She then asked if I ever thought about donating or freezing my eggs. At least if I donated them, she said, I would get some cash. I looked around at my friends (who seemed strangely silent to me--which is a side effect of her disease) and stated that everyone was welcome to join me at the egg clinic (if such a thing exists) for my 30th. We could have a picnic as I unload my damaged goods.

Needless to say this got me thinking. Am I becoming old and decrepit before my time? Am I dusty? But at dinner the next night I found out I still had it.* As I was trying to find a table to have dinner with my father, I told the waitress I could sit anywhere. "Anywhere you say? This girl (yes he called me a girl-hee hee) is going to sit right here (pointing to the space between himself and another man)." Sure the man was 65 if he was a day, but hey, that's my flirting demographic. I laughed and told the gentleman to have a nice evening. Happy to be 29. Because the 28 year old would not have attracted a man who could afford to eat at a restaurant (my previous flirters were also homeless). I think this will be a great year. I say bring it 30, My eggs are prepared to dust themselves off and dance a jig. Or even a cool dance like the running man.


*I lost it two days later when someone at work asked when I was expecting my first child. But it was sweet while it lasted.

Of Course

There was no other way this week could end. Beyond the files threatening to overtake my desk, and the fact that I forgot to brush my hair or wear deodorant today, the real fun was the last meeting I attended. Someone said (more than once) "I have a bite on my arm, and it itches really bad." Everyone looked at the bites (there were a few on the arms and legs) and then I heard, "I don't think those are bug bites, I think that is Chicken Pox." I couldn't have said it better. And I would just like to say welcome back Disease Of The Week. You have been sorely missed.

Tomorrow I will be attending a birthday dinner that may go great, or may be the most awkward mean the Olive Garden has ever witnessed. After facing down this work week I am no longer worried. But I do need to go wrap my gift. Good night all.

Best Week Ever

I wish I could say that Tuesday and Wednesday have been any better, but it appears that this is not my week. Tuesday morning began when I drove away with out my purse or my brief case. Luckily I had my cell phone to call and say I would be late (you know in case they thought I may have taken off for Mexico). I then proceeded to spill an entire cup of chocolate milk all over my car. Did I mention I have no kids or pets to blame this on? I was a good 30 minutes late to work but at least I had a new cup of milk (which was of course my concern). My day ended by being yelled at by a client for 30 minutes who then left smiling saying he got everything he wanted. Fantastic.

The highlight of today was when I was told I had a spider on my pants. I jumped up, yelled and beat my pants. I then sat back down and went right back to talking about good ways to be mad. I think I might have said, "I'm sorry but spiders really scare me." The person (who looked a little freaked) said in a quiet voice, "It was just a baby spider." That of course makes no difference to me.

So far this week I have also forgotten to brush my teeth before going to work (luckily I have a spare tooth brush in my office), and of course I forgot to brush my hair. No not only am I jumping around beating my pant legs like I am the village idiot, but I also have frizzy hair and gross teeth as well. Sweet. Very excited to get to Friday.

The party, the dinners, and the awkward dream sex: must be another weekend recap


Lets begin with the party. Someone did try to pinch me (which wasn't even on St. Pat's). Lucky for me, I was wearing a green jade bracelet, but I told the girl if she pinched me I would cut her (I tried to sound mean too). Overall the party was fun. I got one drunk hug, played silly break the ice games, and laughed as a friend of mine got a drunk back rub (by the same person who drunk hugged me. It made my hug look tame).

On Saturday I went to a depth psychology discussion group. If you don't know what that is, don't worry neither do I. I went to support my friends and learn something new. It was all mostly over my head, and what I learned is how little I know about things.

I then tried to avoid dinner with my brother so I went shopping. I bought 2 new shirts (I wore one today and got a compliment), and window shopped for a wedding present.

Finally I had to go visit the fam. Dinner was OK (mostly because I stayed as far away from my brother as I could). The person sitting next to me leaned over and told me that my brother was intense. Then she said, "did you see him order dinner for his girlfriend and tell her what appetizers she could eat (none in case you wondered)." I didn't actually see that but it didn't surprise me. He also told my dad he was going to get diabetes from eating a dinner roll, and tried to tell him how to spend his money in general. I had a headache leaving dinner that night. But I did laugh at the impression my brother makes on people. I was reminded of Thanksgiving about 2 years ago. A friend of mine came for dinner and my brother had recently gotten out of prison. About midway through the meal she leaned over and asked me, "Who is the man that looks like he wants to stab me?" Sure enough, I looked up and my bro did look like he wanted to stab her. Needless to say most of my friends stay away from him.

On Sunday I had to go to my aunt's house for a BBQ in honor of bro and his babies. This time it was my mom's family drama. It was OK, but my mother kept getting mad at my brother (I don't really know why), and then she got mad at me for complimenting her hair (apparently she hates the cut). I spent lots of time in the kitchen cleaning.

If my weekend wasn't fun enough I had a dream last night in which I was having sex with a good friend of mine. The sad part was it was uncomfortable, awkward sex. And it was a dream that feels like it really happened so I woke up feeling sad about having awkward sex. I hope this dream isn't foreshadowing of my social life to come.

Pinch This

The St. Paddy's party is starting early this year. I have to attend a work party tonight,and there has been talk of pinching if you're not wearing green. I think I might have to break some fingers. The potential pincher is also the person who got hammered at the last party and told a coworker he wanted to lick her eyelids (and told me I was, "pretty in a weird way").

As if one party isn't enough, my brother and his family are coming into town, so that everyone may pay tribute to the babies. I will be attending a family BBQ in their honor on Sunday. This is definitely the weekend to have a drink.