"But Daddy I love Him!"

I had a dream this morning that Marie and Donny Osmond were getting married (my dream took place in the 70's so imagine the clothes and hair). To each other. Their whole family was there to celebrate the union and everyone was happy. Everyone that is, except for their father, who kept shouting out bible verses and screaming how this was against God's law. Right before I woke up Donny and Marie agreed to get an anullment. Dis. Turb. Ing.

You Can Call Me Dr. Knownothing

More tales from the Midwest...

While my friend's youngest daughter was doing her best to give me the bird flu, her oldest was slowing but surely learning how incompetent I am. In my defense, I blame my parents.

During my visit my she realized that Halta Lorelai can't cook anything without a microwave (which they don't have). I can't read Arabic, and I don't celebrate Eid (I "make Christmas" as she told me). I also can't speak Arabic, and this was by far the hardest thing for her to understand. One day at lunch she turns to me and says,
"Halta Lorelai can you say television in Arabic?"
"Nope. How do you say it?"
"Television (said with an accent). Do you know how to say table?"
"Sure don't. Tell me,"
"Table (said with more of a french accent, but table nonetheless)."
And then she began teaching me how to say things in English. I tried to explain that I knew English, but it was too late. I was officially dumb to a 4 year old.

Every time she asked me about the things I couldn't do she would then ask, "But didn't your mommy teach you?" I had to explain that my mom doesn't speak Arabic, she doesn't cook Arabic food, and she makes Christmas not Eid.

On my last day as I gathered up my luggage I stopped to take one last picture of my friend in her home. I had this giant travel back pack on, and I stepped wrong and fell. I ended up on my back not unlike a turtle who was flipped over. On the way to the airport, all the girls could talk about was that time I fell.
"Remember that time you fell Halta Lorelai?"
"I sure do it just happened?"
"That was so funny how you fell all the time."
"It was once, but yeah it was funny. "

I Can't Wait Until She Can Say It With A Hallmark

I know this post is late, but I finally have time and energy to talk about my traveling over the holidays. My best friend has 2 little girls and her youngest was sick the entire time I was there. I knew it was only a matter of time before I too would be sick when her darling daughter:
-Drank from my cup. Every chance she got. Because my water always tastes way better than hers. And she was usually oozing snot as she grabbed my glass.
-Sneezed in the hummus, guacamole, rice, chicken, salad, and birthday cake (although I like to think I baked the sick out of it). The only thing she didn't sneeze in was my oatmeal. Instead she coughed in her hand and then flattened out my oatmeal.
-Sneezed in my hair and wiped her hands in my hair, as she was attempting to make my hair look pretty. I didn't realize she was even doing this until I saw the videotape her father was shooting. It helped to explain why he was laughing the entire time he was filming.
-As I held her to read a story she turned and gave a nice wet cough right in my face.

The first day I will admit I was grossed out. Not having kids, I forget that you have to be taught not to rub snot in other people's hair. By the end of the trip I was okay with the sneezing and coughing. I think that was her way of saying she loved me.

My second to last day as I was sleeping I heard the door open and the scampering of little feet Expecting someone to come and cuddle I opened one eye slowly and began to smile. Her youngest got really close and whispered,
"Halta Lorelai, guess what?"
"I don't know sweetheart. You tell me?"
"Your shoes stink."

To be honest I thought I was nothing more than a big kleenex to the child, and then the day after I left my friend called to tell me that her daughter woke up crying saying she wanted me to be with her. That's because I love them so much.

Tomorrow's post will be about how her oldest daughter thinks I am the dumbest person in the world.

"I felt like when I left home that I was on a journey, and I still am.”-Heath Ledger

I just read an article that said Heath Ledger is dead. I feel a weird sense of shock. Don't get me wrong, we weren't friends. But he does have the distinction of being the first age appropriate crush I had on a celebrity. I have always been into old movies, and it was hard being the only teen in like with Paul Newman, Cary Grant, and Rock Husdon (also hard-- being in like with men who liked other men, but that's a story for another day.) Heath was the crush I had who was born in the same decade as me, so he was special. May he find peace in the next part of his journey.

Disease of the Week
Pink Eye is slowing but surely traveling through the office. If crap in my eye wasn't bad enough, while on a school visit I heard a student say, "Teacher my head is itchy." Last week they had a "little lice problem" the teacher tells me. Apparently this week is twofer DOTW. Wish me luck staying healthy during double illness week.

What I Wanted To Say...

Over the last two weeks I had all these great things to blog about. The rest of my trip, the movies I have seen (please go see Juno and Once), and the joys of being polite in Borders. It was all going to be hilarious I'm sure, but aside from Arabic lessons and great food, my darling nieces also gave me their illness. Just my annual holiday sick making it's appearance. I am feeling better now, but am still really tired. The funny will have to wait until I can laugh with out coughing up a hairball.

And I Traveled A Long, Long Way...

For the last 2 days I have been in the Midwest awaiting the arrival of my best friend's new baby (or "my bay-bee boy" as her 2 year old daughter calls him). I thought it would be freezing here, so I packed only my warmest clothes. so far it has been a balmy 50 degrees here. I was looking forward to snow, but it feels like spring. Oh well, I'm not really snow people anyways. I saw something weird today. All through out the city they live in are wild rabbits. At first I thought some one's pet was loose, but then I was told rabbits are as common here as squirrels.

I have been gorging myself on Arabic food and any type of carb available. The Arabs I know believe you're not full until you've had a good 3 servings of anything. So my plans for weight loss are pretty much shot here.

Her daughters get that I am not Arabic, so they have made me their pet project. Everyday I have been learning new words. You know the important ones like, "I don't wanna!" and "Ice-cream now!" and "Mine!"

The down side to being the greatest aunt ever (which is what I am sure "halta" means in Arabic) is that I am the one they have been waking up in the morning to play and make cereal. My friend and her husband are loving this, but I could do with another hour of sleep.

Today, I played one of cd's while we were driving to the store. After Shawn Colvin's, "Fill Me Up" the 4 year old said she liked to sing the "Feel Me Up" song. This same daughter also asked me if I liked to sleep with other people (because she wanted to sleep in the bed I was in and not the floor). Not sure how to answer I said, "Sometimes." "Mama and Daddy," she said loudly to her parents, "Halta Lorelai likes to sleep with other people."

Merry Christmas To All...

Besides the fact that my mother inadvertently had CPS come out and interview my brother and his family, my Christmas went pretty smooth. I hope yours was just as good (without the CPS visit).

A Holiday Post

A couple of nights ago I watched Supermommy's little guy (L.G. for lack of a better name) perform in his first Christmas Pageant. It was basically 10 minutes of child wrangling, as children ran off the stage to say hi to their parents or get their barrettes fixed. L.G. did a great job of staying in his seat, and he seemed to have fun playing with his paper plate halo. Afterwards, I had dinner at their house and sat by the fire with L.G. snuggled in blankets watching the Christmas lights. I can forget how special and magical Christmas is, until I talk with him. We also watched my favorite children's show Wonder Pets. I am a dramtical person and if I could sing my way through life (in a high pitched voice no less) I would--so I love how these superheros sing their way through every adventure. The Christmas one is especially fun. L.G. even let me hold his Lego boat as we watched because it would, "help me see better." I told him holding it totally gave me clarity.

The day after Christmas I fly out to St. Louis at the butt crack of dawn to visit my bff and hopefully witness the arrival of her third child. Last week as I was talking to her to coordinate things, her 4 year old daughter got on the phone. "Aunt Lorelai," she said very intensely, "Don't forget (dramatic pause) to bring my presents. Make sure they are in your bag, because I want to play with them." I assured her I wouldn't forget. I may have to turn around and go back if I do.

Is It Wrong To Each Peanut Butter and Chocolate Ice Cream For Dinner?

I didn't think so either.

A Few of My Favorite (toxic-free) Things....

My goal this Christmas is to find presents for kids that won't kill or cause irreparable brain damage. I started looking online for safe toy companies and this is what I have found so far.

www.sparkability.com
www.green-living.com
www.owlnesttoys.com
www.oompa.com
www.planethappytoys.com
www.rosiehippo.com
http://www.kazootoys.com/

Feel free to post a comment if you know of more. Happy Shopping!

The Doctor and the Pea

I was so excited to get a big-girl job (a job that pays more than the gas I spend to get there), and I have been making a list of all the big-girl purchases I want to make. The very top of my list was a new bed. I have had crappy beds most of my life. I was giddy at the thought of getting a restful night of sleep. About 2 weeks after starting my job I woke up one Saturday morning in so much pain that I went straight to the bed store. I meant to be a good shopper and try out beds, but I made an impulse buy. The first night sleeping on my new bed was great, but slowly I have realized that my bed is so firm it hurts to sleep on. It got to the point I could only sleep on my right side, because every time I tried to sleep on my left I hit some crazy pressure point and would be instantly awake and in pain. To top it off I missed the deadline to return my mattress, because I kept thinking my body would adjust. Over the weekend two of the after T-day purchases I made were to buy pillow top mattress pads for my bed-of-steel. I have added an extra 6 inches of fluffiness, and finally my bed feels comfy. The downside is that my bed was high before, and adding the extra fluff almost makes it so I need a step to get into bed.

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Thanksgiving

Because my family seems to be going crazy. And by family I mean my mother. Whose recent manic episode involved her robbing my dead grandpa's mobile home to get all the clothes and pictures (and God only knows what else) she could find. His old girlfriend was not home at the time, but all the people in the trailer park came out to watch. It makes me laugh that my mother's burglary was the event of the day at the trailer park. And the funniest part was my mother left a note telling the girlfriend what she had done, and how it was to help her move on. Note to self-don't leave a note when you commit a criminal act.

Thankfully, when the girlfriend got home (from the casino) she threatened to call the police if everything wasn't returned. Because she wanted to give the clothes away to her family members. It creeps me out that everyone wants his clothes. I don't get it. It's not that they want one piece for sentimental value, they all think they are getting a new wardrobe (my mom kept trying to push a bunch of shorts and socks on me). I am thankful everything was returned because it means I won't get a dead man's clothes for Christmas. No disrespect to my g-pa but I have no desire to wear his old walking shorts (even if they have elastic around the waist).

I am also thankful I will be traveling to the coast to spend Thanksgiving with my dad's family. Sure my brother and his family will be there to cause drama (like the fact that he is spending $700 to rent a corvette to the coast and leaving his g-friend and their kids to find a ride), but I will have the buffer of 20 other people to keep his crazy from me. There will also be lots of alcohol on hand to also act as a crazy buffer. I wish everyone a wonderful (and crazy free) Thanksgiving. Good luck shopping on Black Friday.

I Heart My Bed...

I have been traveling for work and for fun and I am so excited to be home again. The trips were great but there is nothing like being in your bed (unless your bed is really painful, then it rocks to be in hotels). More to come...

The Fart Fest

My dad has not been feeling well these last few months. I have taken him to the emergency room, and to out-patient surgery for different tests enough times to recognize the morning staff of his hospital. I have been terrified that 55 is the new 54 in our family. To make matters worse they couldn't seem to find what was wrong with him, which made everything scarier. I have done as much as I can to not think about my dad being sick, which means there has been a lot of stress eating (mmmmm chinese buffet).

On Friday I picked him up at 6am for yet another test. This time they were doing a colonoscopy and I was sure they would find cancer. I was in a funk all week trying not to think of the C word. After waiting for an hour and a half to get called back his procedure was surprisingly short. After about 20 minutes of scoping his insides the Doctor came in and told me it wasn't cancer or polyps, rather IBS and diverticulosis (which is the precursor to diverticulitis). Apparently having both is like a catch 22 of gastro-intestinal pain. But since it's not cancer, I can handle it.

I had been trying really hard to think of something funny all week. Apparently I needed to look no further than the recovery room where my dad lay resting. As I sat by him waiting for him to wake up, a nurse came up and said, "Would you like to see the pictures?" Before I could say no (which I would have done, since I really don't want to see his insides) this page was thrust in my face and she said, "Here is your father's anus and this is the camera as it is going inside." Holy crap she showed me a picture of my father being probed! Coming from a family that doesn't even use the word "anus", I was in a place of major inappropriateness and all I could do was try not to laugh. As my father became more awake I looked around the busy recovery room and noticed I was hearing weird nosies. It took me a sec to figure out what I was hearing was the fart fest that comes after a colonoscopy. My immature self thought this was hilarious and I couldn't help but laugh. The nurses became the cheerleaders of all the patients, encouraging them to let one rip and praising them for a particularly good blast. As I sat there, having people of all walks of life fart in my general direction, I couldn't help but feel like a fart was the best sound I had heard in a while. I was also very glad to have sinus problems and be unable to smell the love.

Happy Halloween!!



I hope everyone has a fun and safe Halloween! I can't wait to see all the little ones in their costumes! And I can't wait to eat left over candy.

I'm Good Here Thanks...

My mother is spending 4 days with my brother and his family. She has only been there for 2 hours and they have already been in 3 fights. My mother got ill on the train and my brothers kids have the flu. She has called me 5 times to report on the ill health of everyone in his house. And they wondered why I chose to stay home and work.

Yeah, I cried about a sex doll. And I wasn't the only one....

Go see Lars and the Real Girl and if you don't cry too, then you're a heartless bastard. Or you have faulty tear ducts. If the latter is the case see a doctor. Then go see the movie.

Getting Through Halloween With Your Brains Intact


Check out this funny link for surviving a Zombie attack. Thanks Stanley for sending it to me. Having a Zombie free Halloween is always a goal of mine.

Food Rules...

I don't have many food rules in life. Don't eat mayo casserole (or mayo pb and j, or any large quantity of mayo). Don't eat eggs that are undercooked. No cooked carrots, cauliflower or raisins ever. And lastly, (and this is the life saver) never eat sushi or salad at Chinese Buffet.

On Tuesday I tried to break the sushi rule and have a piece while eating Chinese Buffet. I really wanted it but 2 things kept the experience from being enjoyable. First is that I was having a late dinner and it hit me that I never saw any food being replaced or even taken away due to being out too long. Which made me wonder how long my roll had been out (I guessed about 14 hours). The second thing was that my piece was covered in Roe. Normally this gives me a slight twinge (because Roe falls under my under cooked eggs category). As I went to take a bite a clip from "Finding Nemo" enters my brain. I was done. The thought of eating Nemo ruined my Sushi experience, and all I could do was seek solace in the almond cookies and weird sugar covered peanuts (which tasted like peanuts, but did not have the texture of a peanut).

Last night I decided to once again brave sushi. There is a place right up the street from work that is a sushi bar, so I braved it with a co-worker. What we didn't know at the time was that it was a fast food Japanese restaurant who offered drive-thru sushi. Weird. The food was not half bad, but again I could not eat the Roe. Looks like I have another food rule. I really hope this doesn't generalize and I start to see Rocky when I eat chicken or Otis when I have a hamburger.