It's okay to be gay....


Where ever you are in the world (even if it's Tennesee), it's okay to be gay. 


You are a beautiful child of God no matter your sexuality. It's okay to be gay.


No matter what ignorant people say (or don't say) about you or the ones you love, it's okay to be gay.


One day I hope their hearts will soften, and they will no longer be afraid.  But even if they never change, it's okay to be gay.


And if you live in Tennesee and cannot say gay, then remember, it's okay to be Takei. 

Another day of learning new things about myself...

The good:
*I can make an incredible sugar scrub that smells like macaroons. I like smelling like cookies.

*I can force myself to stay awake at work while drugged out on muscle relaxers and ibuprofen.

*I have sweet coworkers who will drive me to Sonic because I took said medications. Diet Dr. pepper with diet cherry flavoring is my fave.

*I have lost 9 lbs going low fat/no carb.

*I found a low fat sugar free ice cream. And I did not eat the whole thing in one sitting.

*My pretty new luggage should be arriving tomorrow.

The challenging:
*I cannot actually work while drugged out on muscle relaxers and ibuprofen. I just shuffle papers around and try not to slump over at my desk drooling. I sent emails out to people and tomorrow I will recheck them to see if they made sense.

*I have 6 weeks until I go on a Caribbean vacation and my body is still pasty, my arms are still jiggly like a lunch lady, and my tummy still looks like I should have interesting birthing stories. And I can't really do anything about my arms or tummy because I pulled a muscle in my neck and shoulder area this weekend. Hence my current medication regime.

*No matter how old I get or how drugged I am, it is hard to let go of negative things people say about me.

*I cannot cook a steak medium rare. But if you want a tough, chewy overly well done steak, then call me and I will share my secrets.

Ebates is offering cash back for referrals until the end of the month...

I shop through this and have already earned cash back. And through the end of the month, if you join, and then refer people you get $5.00 for every new referral.

It gets easier right?

I didn't really acknowledge Mother's Day last year. The day felt like a blur to me. This year I felt better so I decided to send Mother's Day cards to all the amazing moms I know. As I started writing the first card I burst into tears. Not even pretty tears either. I cried the ugly tears I cry when I see a Folgers commercial during that time of the month (in my defense those families are just so damn happy to get a cup of coffee). My weekend is packed full of moms and Mother's Day activities. On Monday I was excited to get to participate in so many activities, but now I think this is gonna hurt a little. Sigh.

"Afraid what you're gonna do, in this phase you're going through." Chosen One by One Eskimo

I spent the evening with a friend's 16 year old daughter. She sees her dads every other weekend, and while visiting I am her lifeline to the female perspective (because of the gay dads). She is also someone who could be my daughter. She's a little awkward, overweight, and she overcompensates by being everything to everyone. Sometimes it's like watching a train wreck. Sometimes it's like talking to the girl I was.

And tonight she was 16, feeling less than other girls, and sad not to have the boy she wanted.

For her and (for myself) I said this:

Your life now will not always be the same. Things will change and hopefully for the better. The very act of change will make some things better.
You deserved to be valued, appreciated, and loved.
You should not speak poorly of yourself. People will make comments your whole life about how you can be better. Ignore that and honor all that is good in you. You do not have the right to hurt your momma's baby girl.
You will one day find a boy (or man) who sees you as you are and loves every darn thing about you.
Take care of your skin.
Boys will do and say dumb things as long as you live.
I am so proud of the person you are.

I remember being 16 and feeling less than everyone else. No one said I would be 32 still struggling. Sigh.

"I don't wanna be a doctor! I want to be a princess!" ---My sobbing niece at 4 years old

True story: When my niece was 4 a very nice lady told her: "I hope you become a doctor someday." This is apparently a blessing Arab women bestow on children. My niece was having none of that. She burst into tears, and the above was her reply. When my sis told me I burst out laughing because there are times I would much rather be a princess than a doctor.

I did not think I would get caught up in the royal wedding drama. All week long I have been watching snippets on the news, but not really caring about it either way. Then tonight I couldn't sleep. I honestly felt like I was missing something if I tried to sleep. Part of this is due to the fact that I am a wedding whore. I love weddings. Every thing about them is fun to me. Except the tanning some brides do (side note: I am on week 2 of the summer tan-a-thon and barely kept myself from running topless from my coffin a few days ago, But I lasted 9 minutes this time so there's hope I won't be blindingly pale for vacation). I just love the pomp and circumstance and the tradition.

Did I also mention I love to read romance novels?

Apparently these two parts of my personality have created the perfect storm. I am sitting here at 2am anxiously awaiting the wedding. It is a fairy tale that someone can wake up a "commoner" and by lunch be a princess. I am pretty sure this will give my niece hope that she won't have to become a doctor to be successful. I keep thinking of my niece tonight, and the thought of how different life would be as a princess. Somethings may be easier or fun, but even if I was promised a 65 million dollar wedding (apparently how much Charles and Camilla paid) I don't think I could do it. I love my privacy, and I think it should be okay to punch someone trying to take a pic of my underwear as I leave a car. But if there are any Dukes out there looking for a good time I am pretty sure I could be a Duchess.

I hope Kate and Wills are happy. I hope that they are able to lead a life full of joy and love. I hope that I don't fall asleep at work tomorrow.

The things you learn about yourself...

Tonight was the first time I have ever used a tanning bed, and in some ways it was the longest 7 minutes of my life. I was told it would be warm and relaxing. From the moment I put the lid down and the eye goggles on I had to tell myself I was not in an oven coffin. I am not usually a claustrophobic person so this was something new I learned about me (yay for that moment of self awareness). I took deep breathes, I repeatedly told myself I was safe, and I focused on not screaming for help or ripping the goggles from my eyes. Thankfully all my psych tricks worked, and the timer went off smoothly.

The whole reason to enter the death trap is for an upcoming vacation to the Caribbean. My poor body doesn't see a lot of sun naturally, so I have to prepare to spend a week at a beach.

I have to go back 9 times. I am hoping the deep breathing gets easier. And I hope I don't come away looking Snooki-ish.

What did you learn about yourself today?

The cost of being free

I just read an article that the government is trying to eliminate 90% of Planned Parenthood's funding. I was in college for 10 years and during 6 of those years I had no insurance. Planned Parenthood was the place I went when I needed lady care. I am the first to admit that government overspends on bogus things. But this feels ugly. Feel what ever you want about abortions, but they are legal. Taking almost the entire budget of PP won't make them go away, in part because federal funding does not pay for them, unless they are the victim of incest or rape. But don't take money away from clinics that help people. All this is going to do is make life harder and scarier for people who lack the resources that all the Senators and Representatives take for granted. I had a health scare when I was in graduate school and PP was the only place I could afford. The staff was so nice, and I felt safe there. I hope someone in the government vetos this horrible idea. I am doubtful that anyone in government cares about anyone not considered tea party material. I Stand With Planned Parenthood.

The Whole Pie

For the last two weeks I have had pain in my shoulder, back and left rib cage. It came on slowly and at first I attributed it to many things. The one thing I refused to think was heart attack.

So of course I kept thinking it.

When the pain only got worse this week I put on my big girl panties and made a doctor's appointment. I hate going to the doctor. And I tried not to think heart attack.

So every moment I thought my heart was going to give out. Not a cool week for me to be living alone.

I admit I am a worst case scenario gal at my best. Constantly hoping this wasn't a heart attack only made it worse.

All day long I half thought my doctor visit would end with open heart surgery. Did I mention I go to bad places when I worry?

I talked with many people who have felt what I am feeling. No one was diagnosed with a heart attack so I began to calm down a bit.

My doctor's visit went fine. I have chest inflammation, and my doctor is having me tested for arthritis and Lupus. I absolutely do not want either of those things, but my visit didn't end with surgery so I am happy.

As I was in line waiting for my meds at the pharmacy I began to talk to the lady ahead of me. We were both frustrated by the long line and lack of pharmacists. She was eager to get her meds. "Me too." I said with a smile. And then I told her my diagnosis.

Then she told me she was picking up meds for her husband. He was too sick to wait in the line. In a smaller voice she said, "It's cancer."

And once again I realized that I was fortunate.

I asked what kind and she said melanoma that spread to his lungs and his brain. He has already lived 5 weeks over the doctor's estimate, but the pressure in his brain is getting worse. She is picking up his last round of pain meds. She got teary.

And I tried not to cry too. Damn being a social crier.

I thought of life being a series of blessings and curses. How blessed was he to live as long as he has, but there is pain in knowing that his time will never feel long enough.

And then she talked about the meds that she was picking up for him. One was a steroid that was going to relieve all the pain in his head. He was concerned about taking steroids and told his doctor.

To which his wife replied, "Now's the time that you get to eat the whole pie Larry if you want to." We both chuckled about a dying man being worried about steroids.

My pain is a little better now that I have meds, but I can't get Larry and his wife out of my mind.

My wish is that his last days are spent surrounded by all that he loves. May she have the strength and grace to help him through. I hope they both eat pie.

Goals for the new year....

In many ways 2010 was all about reflections and remembrance. At times it felt like every breath I took was a reminder of all that I lost in 2009. Thoughts of my mother, and my own regrets in being her daughter, have been my constants. As time marched on some regrets have dimmed, but many remain. My goal for 2011 is to honor myself and remember my goodness. Last week I heard this song from Pink, and it has become my theme song. Enjoy! Oh, and FYI, the song has f bombs galore!