This Should Be Fun

Tomorrow I am on my way to visit my brother and his babies. I am sure many stories will come from this trip. The least of which will be driving my mother home. Wish me luck. I am sure I will need it.

Apparently God Listens to Desperate Pleas

It looks like by the end of the night I will officially be Aunt Lorelai to Racer and Ryder. My auntie story is soon to come. Here's a teaser: I just got a call from my mother (who took the train to where my bro lives) and she said: They're letting her rest. I am here with everyone. I met her mother and I don't like her, I haven't met everyone else yet, but they seem weird. Call me.

Note to self: hold off on calling mom.

To think I am missing all this family bonding. What she doesn't know is that my father is also on the way to hospital. Let the games begin.

Laissez Les Bons Temps Rouler

I forgot to say Happy Mardi Gras! I am going to eat crap today (I had a pop tart with lunch), since I am giving up all the fun stuff for Lent. My only word of advise is not to flash your boobs in a crowd, unless you are in New Orleans. I had a friend who thought that was the way to get beads (and she wanted to show off a boob job), and she got arrested. That was my Debbie Downer PSA.

I Want My Buddha's Delight

I had been looking forward to my 4 day weekend for over a month. And it went by so fast. At least I got to sleep in. Other highlights from my weekend include:

Friday: A visit to the "girl doctor" (as my dad calls it). My insurance sucks ass and won't pay for an annual, so I had to go to Planned Parenthood (where they will do it for free-sweet). I have never been to one before, and it was nicer than I expected. I was also the oldest person there by about 10 years (patient wise), which was lovely. The visit was over quickly, and that's the best thing you can say about those visits. This is the second day of the year I hate being a girl (the other being when we go to the woods-I have pee issues).

Saturday: Family trip to the movies. I called all my aunts and their kids about 9 of us went to see Music and Lyrics. It was really cute, but the best part was the company. I sat between my aunt and her daughter and they were hilarious. Apparently they have been eating well, and exercising like crazy (they went for a 2 hour walk before the movie), so they used the movie as a free day. At one point my cousin got a look of pain on her face when she realized she did not take a lactaid pill. She looked like she was going to faint or throw up, and I got the giggles. Awful of me yes, but it was like that scene in French Kiss when Meg Ryan eats all the cheese. I also went shopping and found the dress I want to wear to a weeding in May and my graduation in June. Now all I need is for it to go on sale so I can buy it.

On Sunday I hung out with my dad and his g.f.'s family at a BBQ. It was fun, and once again I kicked ass in scrabble. My strategy this time was just to add one letter to the end of big words (toxine was my favorite). My brother's girlfriend thought she was in labor, so we almost had to travel 4 hours to where they are. I was praying the babies would wait, as my mom has not been feeling well and the road trip would have been hell. Sure enough God listens to desperate pleas, and the labor stopped and they were sent home. Dodged that bullet.

Monday I ran errands pretty much all day. It felt like I was running in circles, but it was nice to get my errands run in the light of day. I also felt really cool when I bought a pedometer at Target. That is, until I tried to use it, and it only registers once every 20 steps. Dammit Janet.

Now I am back to work. I have lots of reports due this week and a presentation tomorrow on Reactive Attachment Disorder. Wish me luck.

You're Too Kind. Really.



Aside from being the week of celebrating love and S.A.D. it is also the week for Random Acts of Kindness. Yesterday, a coworker offered to set me up on a date with the homeless man that washed her car windows. Even though I politely declined, I think this counts for her act. I still haven't figured out what my act will be. I tried to not to curse at drivers today, but that was too hard (freeway drivers suck it hard). I was nice to someone who bugs me, so maybe that counts. What will your act be? And if we designate a week for practicing random acts of kindness, do they really count as random?

Valentine's Day: The Other Jewish Holiday

Last year a friend was telling me about her Valentine's Day plans when I remembered something. She was Jewish. Curious, I asked her about this (especially since a month before she went on a rant as to why she would never celebrate Christmas). She replied that as a Jew all she had to celebrate was Passover and Hannukuh, so she annexed Valentine's Day for her people. So to my friends, both Jewish and otherwise, Happy V-day.

Curse of the Weapon Wielding Toddler

S.A.D. does not stand for Seasonal Affective Disorder this month, but Singles Awareness Day (or for you who have someone to call your own, Valentine's Day). I can remember being a child and loving Valentine's Day. I will admit any holiday whose major function is to receive candy is a winner in my book. As an adult this holiday has been less than lovely. Starting off with the fact that I never seem to have a date on this holy of holiest date nights. Luckily, I always have fellow S.A.D. members to commiserate with. It also doesn't help that I appear to have a V-day curse (thankfully it doesn't appear to be contagious to anyone except my immediate family).

It began when my father's house was searched by our cities finest, looking for my brother (and all the property he stole). At the time I was living with my father, so to come home and find everything you own in a pile on the floor is unsettling to say the least. For those who are unaware, when the Po-po have a warrant to search they look everywhere and through everything; pulling clothing out of drawers and your mattress off the bedspring. To be honest, my room was a sty before the Fuzz arrived, and more than anything I was embarrassed that someone had looked through things I considered personal (like dirty laundry). Even now when I see an officer I wonder if they had a part in pawing through my laundry or rummaging through the bowels of my cloest (finding nothing more than clothes and romance novels on the floor).

A year ago on Valentine's day my mother was hospitalized for 7 days. For those 7 days I commuted between work and school to her hospital, bringing her cigarettes, for her as well as her new friends in the hospital. I will admit it is funny looking back on how I tried to find 12 kinds of cigarettes for the different patients in my mother's ward. Many were brands I had never heard of and was told by countless store clerks were too cheap to be carried by their stores. Before this time I never knew a cigarette could be considered "too cheap" to be sold at a shop and rob. Not to mention I brought in all the other things patients requested (such as clothing and candy-which I found out was not allowed to be brought in to her wing-but cigarettes were ok-weird). Apparently I was the only one to visit a family member, so everyone had a request. And one night when I visited I got lost trying to leave and thought I would have to spend the night. Luckily I was saved by hospital staff.

I have been feeling out of sorts for the last two weeks and I knew it was because of the Cupid Curse. I have also not spoke to my mother in about a week and a half, due to this fear. Fear that her hospitalization was not a one time thing, but rather an annual event. I finally called her on Thursday and my fears were confirmed. She is beginning to get sick again and if it progresses she may need to be hospitalized. At this point there is nothing left but to wait it out. I am so looking forward Wednesday being over.

I leave you with this quote that pretty much sums up S.A.D. for me:

"I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon."
- Unknown

Wish Me Luck

Since I gots no plans tonight I am thinking of upgrading my template. I have heard that it can be easy, and I have heard you can lose everything, so here goes nothing.

Well everything seemed to go ok. Maybe because I don't have many things on my blog (mostly because I don't know how to get all fancy like). I would still love to figure out how to change my header by adding a picture. That will have to wait for another day though. Laundry she is a calling.

Why am I so shocked?

When I was at work someone told me to check msn.com. The first thing I saw was the news headline that Anna Nicole Smith was dead. I was surprised and I don't know why. She is always in the news and rarely for good reasons. I don't know much about her, besides the gossipy crap on the entertainment news shows. But she was a mother who lost her son recently, and had a baby girl who needed her. I think that's what made me so sad, the thought of what will happen to the baby. Anna Nicole's life was turbulent, and even now the gossip shows are trying to squeeze all they can from her death. I hope she is at peace. And I pray her baby is protected and loved.

One scary faun, one un-marching band concert, and one dating dad. Must be my weekend recap.

I spent Super Bowl with my dad and his girlfriend. So weird writing that my dad has a girlfriend ( to my aunt and uncle who sometimes read this don't mention to him the g.f. or that I am weirded out). Thanks be her daughters were there, as was her 80 something year old father and his girlfriend (who I found out has schizophrenia. I found out after getting into a talk about schizophrenia with g.f.'s daughter while the g.f. was staring at us. In a word, awkward). But there was something magical in the air that day and for once the team I picked won something (I should have placed a bet). I am usually a curse on teams or horses (if I am at the races). And my luck continued when I realized I left my keys stuck in the door handle at my dad's house for about 7 hours. Surprisingly no one stole my car. Unsurprisingly, all my cd's were still there (not a big market for big band music and the greatest hits of the Bare Naked Ladies where my dad lives). That was the first time I have ever left my keys in the door handle. I have left them in my apt door over night, and even locked in the car. The funny thing was I knew something was weird, and as I drove away with my dad to g.f.'s house I reached in my purse for my keys, but then talked myself out of panicking. Dammit, Oprah was right and I do need to follow my instinct.

It was funny talking to g.f.'s daughters about how weird it was to have parents dating. I felt good hearing it freaked them out too. One of the daughters was funny. She said, "Don't get me wrong we really like your dad, and you too, and we haven't liked everyone mom has brought home." Good to know they like me too.

Also among this weekend's activities was a trip to see Pan's Labyrinth. I flinched and turned my head all the way through this movie. I couldn't even handle the non-scary moments because I was so panicky about being scared. I sat next to someone who has never seen this side of me before and I think it frightened him. Luckily, he had seen this movie before, and was okay with me whispering, "Just tell me how it ends dammit!" I had weird dreams that night and I blame this movie.

On Saturday we went to a band concert. I was thinking rocking music, but what I should have been thinking was John Sousa. Yes it was a marching band concert, sans marching. It was actually really fun, but I was under dressed in jeans, and all marches sound the same to me. Oh the conductor tried to explain the subtle differences (like one sounded more military, and one ore circusy), but it's all the same march in my ears. I am still boggled that people paid tens of thousands of dollars to have a march composed. But I actually think I want to attend the next one, since I know one of the musicians. It's all about embracing my inner geekness. I also had about a 30 second crush on a flute player (I have never seen a male flute player before and he was really cute in a geeky sort of way), but then I saw his ring and overheard someone mention his wife. No marching band romance for me. Another dream denied.

Sleeping Single in a Double Bed (at least there are no health code violations)

On Sunday I tag-team babysat Supermommy kids, and thanks be my cousin was there, because we had an incident of the explosive diarrhetic nature (supermommy's kid not me). I took one look at it coming down the pants of her oldest baby, and made a mad grab for the one who was drinking a bottle. Literally taking her from my cousin's hands and thinking to myself, "Sucka now you have free hands." Oh hell to the no! I am not ready to clean up stuff like that. I am not ready to clean anything that may have a whole health code protocol involved. Luckily my cousin is a special-ed teacher, and does not have the weak stomach I do (and she knows the proper protocol). I am so not ready for children. I talked to her today and the whole house has the stomach flu. I am dousing myself with EmergenC as I write this.


Speaking of things I am not ready for. Last night I was having a pity party for one when I realized that all my friends are in relationships. I am happy for them don't get me wrong, but it does have it's moments of pity party. Then this morning the pity party grew a little larger. My father called me and told me that he is dating someone. What the hell! Again happy for him and I really like who he is dating, but now to be the only single one in my friends and family makes it a pity banquet. On the menu tonight, whine and warm jello parfait. Thanks be it's therapy night!

Warm Jello For Dinner, Must Be The Early Bird Special...



So last night began with my friends and I finalizing plans to attend the symphony. I panicked because I had no idea what to wear. I pictured ball gowns and tuxes. Then I remembered where I live (small town, not a big cultural hub). I went with work attire (which is always painful to wear when you're not working). I was a little freaked because I had to park several blocks away from the concert, and the concert theatre is in a bad part of town. Images of stolen cars and mugging ran through my head as I tried to remember everything I learned on Oprah to prevent a kidnapping. Luckily I managed to make it to the restaurant without having to scream at the top of my lungs "that's my purse!" or run in a zig zag pattern to avoid being shot. The restaurant we chose is across the street from the theatre in a hotel. One would think that would have spelled easy supper. But not when the Dixieland Festival is town. I walked into AARP Command Central. There was a long line to the even put your name down for a table and standing in it I realized I was the youngest person by about 50 years. And I was the most casually dressed. I saw more seniors in mini skirts or short dresses than I ever have before (or hope to see again). And lots of snazzily dressed gents, escorting their lovely ladies. And the person behind me in line was knitting to pass the time. We talked as she knitted and she was hilarious. It was like talking to 70 year old me, because she made fun of what everyone was wearing, and she totally encouraged me to lie to get faster service. I hope I look as good as her at 70 (you know, as in have a great set of dentures and most of my hair), and still have a great sense of humor.

The food was okay. I chose the dinner buffet because the jello parfait looked good. Needless to say I chose poorly. We made it the symphony in plenty of time to get settled and I learned something about myself. I need lyrics attached to my music to stay focused. The classical pieces were beautiful, but I was not the best person to appreciate them. My mind kept wondering to what the musicians lives must be like, and the potential dramas that can surround first chair, assistant to first chair etc... I was also horrified/entertained by the French horn players who kept trying to get something out of their horns (my guess is it was partially chewed dinner or a really big spit wad). Next week we are having a movie night. Way more my speed.

Note To Self: Listen When People Say, "You Don't Want To Know"...

After the harrassment training being at work was funny. Someone called me dear (she calls everyone in the office dear) and then immediately aplogized as I stood there laughing. At least she didn't call me sweet cheeks or baby doll.

Thursday night I went to dinner at a friends house and learned something I can definitely never say at work. Someone there was descibing a recent trip with his friends, and how a one of the gals (as a word I can't use at work anymore) made it a point to use the words "meat curtain" as often as she could (as well as ass and the f-bomb). I asked him what a meat curtain was, and he looked at me and said "you really don't want to know." He knows me well. Better than I know myself. I lasted all of 1 minute and stated I really needed to know. He told me. And I was wrong, I didn't need to know. Dammit janet now I can't get it out of my head.

Last night I finally had the Arbonne party I should have had 2 months ago. I bought way too much food, and had a blast. People came I don't know very well and I was surprised at how much fun I had. I was also surprised that anyone besides myself bought anything, and that they wanted to have their own parties. So my attendance at Arbonne parties is pretty much set through spring.

Tomorrow I will be tagteam babysitting Supermommy's kids nad I can't wait. She called me this morning to ask if I was free. Then she toold me that her son's new favorite game is "I spy." To make it more challenging on mere adults he picks imaginary things. The last thing she told me before she hung up was, "If he says he sees something green there is a dinosaur in the room." Can't wait.

The Things I Learn At Work

Today during a work meeting on harassment I began to worry. Should I have sent out the Sarah Silverman jokes yesterday? Should I have repeated Sacha Baron Cohen's speech from the Golden Globes? Should I have acted out a scene from Bad Santa at a lunch meeting? Am I nothing more than a giant walking harasser? And then I realized (after thoughts of being fired or labeled a harasser ran through my mind) that I work with people who do all these things too. So no, I am not a harasser. Either that or we will all get arrested and sued together. It could really go either way.

Oh and I learned that since I work in the public domain I shouldn't wear a short skirt with no underwear (a la Britney Spears), because even in the off hours we are representing. I filed that under 'things I should have known this morning as I was getting dressed.'

Happy Place Don't Fail Me Now

Well it took about 10 minutes to get over my anger. After signing off I began reading my mail and I noticed I got two catalogs, so I was excited. The catalogs I usually get are Pottery Barn and The Land of Nod. This was no PB or LON. This was also not a catalog for me as I have since learned. It looked like a work out magazine, and I was excited (thinking I might have signed up for something). Then I read it, and found the list of sexual toys and various other sex aides, and realized this magazine was for my NEIGHBOR!!! My, works for PBS, dresses like my grandma (and she is a grandma), lives with her adult (creepy) son, Neighbor. And now I have to give her the catalog, and try not to laugh (or blush) as I do it. Now when ever she gets a package, I'll wonder what aide she ordered. EWWWWWWW!!!! This wouldn't creep me out so much if I didn't see her as a mom (and grandma). Shuddering. I know it is juvenile, but I just don't want to picture grandma's having healthy sex lives. They should be playing piano and making pies (which is how I used to picture her life). Wish me luck I am going over. (taking catalog over...) Well her (creepy) son answered the door and then proceeded to LOOK through the catalog. Luckily he didn't see the Karma Sutra pages. Laughter averted.

Evaluate This!

So today I had a presentation at my job. First off I suck at public speaking. My voice gets cracky (like Peter Brady going through puberty), I get really cold (I mean my hands feel frozen), and I can't talk (as in say my own name). In other words it is a lovely time for everyone concerned. It went about as well as I expected. I couldn't feel my hands, my mouth got really dry, and I stuttered. To top it off I was presenting child therapy to people who don't really believe in this type of therapy. So from the very title of my power point I took shit from people. As in: "Is that really a disorder? Where is it listed in the DSM? Can you tell me?" That was a direct comment by a really nice (snorting) student. They were a tough crowd to say the least. To top it off, these people who don't do my type of work, then get to evaluate how well I know my client, my theory, and my research on everything. I knew better than to read the evals, I really did. But then I read them. Most were really positive, but there then I read the one that stuck with me all day. This comment made me so mad, because this person was not paying one bit of attention to anything, and then marked me low on something I never even said. Deep breath. Sigh. It's funny how I can read a lot of positive things, and the one negative (albeit ignorant) one is what I think about all day. It would also help if I didn't already have a history with this person. That's what I get for thinking that things were finally settling down. Well I only have 6 months and 11 days of my program left, so maybe the best thing to do is just suck it up. After, of course, I emailed the admin. assistant and lodged my complaint of the low score. Student first people. Student first. Thanks be this is the only presentation I will have to do for these people.


So after my really fun morning I went shopping. I heart retail therapy. I am now the proud owner of 3 new books, and I bought a present for a friend. I even mailed out right away too. I think I will go read now.

What It Took to Make My First Weight Loss Goal

10 months
3 infections
3 rounds of antibiotics
1 diagnosis of HBP plus meds for this (which I am happy to say is down again)
Laying off the soda, coffee, mochas, and anything one can buy at Starbucks (goodbye mocha fraps I loved you long time)
Laying off cheeseburgers, french fries, chocolate icecream, chocolate cake, chocolate pie, and candy (damn their yumminess)
Eating chicken salads everyday for lunch (at least as of the last 5 days and I have to say pretty yummy)
Eating cheerios everyday for breakfast (unless I am eating oatmeal that day, and convincing myself of the yumminess every damn morning)
Finally listening to my dad's advice about flaxseed and oatmeal (but knowing I am not quite ready to hear about figs and Caesar salads-vurping just writing this)
Charting my weight on the WW (unless it was a week I gained, then no charting for me)
Eating more fruit (te amo berries, no te quiero coconut)
Eating more vegetables (te amo corn and peas, no te quiero brussel sprouts)
Walking (especially entertaining having the used condom count as a part of my walk so far up to 3)
YBB (Yoga Booty Ballet-my method of trying to become graceful-no grace yet, but I haven't fallen, but let's face it, I do desperately clutch a chair and pray)
Did I mention no more sodas? I really miss them (especially the cherry vanilla ones, or just cherry, or any soda)
Eating more dark chocolate (hell yeah-it's good for you-and only an ounce at a time)

And did I mention I have even lost more weight than the WW first goal!!!!! Yeah for me! Now on to the next goal. How about wellness for a while? I might have set the bar too high with that goal.

Things to Know Before You Go To a Hockey Game

Dear Me,

Here are important things to know, like it's not really that cold, so you don't have to wear sweats and silk long underwear. Bring your own water (unless you want to pay 7.00 for two 20 ounce bottles). This probably isn't your sport, as you don't like violence or dancing in my seat for the chance to make the fan shots. Watching people get smashed against the glass or get smashed on expensive cups of cheap beer is not your thing. Especially when you are drinking water, and you directly behind a 6 year old who screams obscenities at the other team. All night long. Lastly, fear of flying pucks hitting your teeth (I have slow reaction times) will occupy your mind all night, causing you to flinch uncontrollably every time the puck is airborne.


So far my 3 day weekend is going well. I spent last night with my dad and his friends again. All the quarters from the game once again went to me (they all remembered the agony of paying for laundry). It was also my second night at resisting temptation (namely chocolate cake, chocolate pie, and icecream). Tonight I am having dinner at my mom's and I asked them to have chicken salad, so hopefully it will not be a fried chicken and fried vegetable salad (my g-ma's been known to make those). I slept in today till noon today. Fabulous indeed. And today I am watching season one of Arrested Development. I heart this show. Later I will clean my second bedroom out. I am still convincing myself it will be fun.

Still Sick...

Haven't felt like posting this week. I have made my second trip to urgent care in 3 weeks. On Tuesday it felt like my lungs were burning and I missed a meeting at work to go to urgent care. This time the diagnosis was bronchitis, but my blood pressure was high, so they wanted to do an ekg. That was fun. I kept imagining the doctor coming in to tell me that the ambulance was ready to take me to the hospital. When the doctor came back in to tell me I could go back to work, and I had to ask him how it went. He was like "oh your heart is fine." But since this was the second reading of high blood pressure I am now on meds. High blood pressure runs in my family, but I am seriously hoping that when I eventually lose all the extra weight I am carrying I can get off of them. My boss said I could take the day off today and that was nice. I went to my general doctor, and talked about different medicine options. I also tried to go to a "woman doctor" as my dad calls them, but found out my insurance doesn't cover annual exams (only sickness and injury). Swell. A perk of feeling crappy is that I am only a couple of pounds away from making my first weight goal. Yeah. Today was the first day I really wanted to eat anything. Thanks be this is a three day weekend. I want to have a couple of days of feeling good under my belt before I start back at work.

Every Party Should Be A Teeth Optional Party


I can't believe it's 2007 already. I have been trying to think of some great thing to say about the new year, but after spending a week in bed, and still desperately clutching my Kleenex box (for fear that I will laugh out a loogie on a client), I got nothing. 2006 was good. I finished my dissertation and got an internship, so my goals were met. I also lost weight (slower than molasses falling in January, but I lost). Being sick with a double infection really made all the holiday weight drop which was cool. I am apprehensive of making a specific goal or a resolution for the New Year, because I am notorious for breaking resolutions. So I guess my goal is to keep on keeping on (which I personally think is a sweet goal).

Thankfully I was feeling well enough to go out New Year's Eve. And I went to a party my dad was invited too. That might seem dorky to some but it was hilarious (and since I couldn't drink anyway why not hang out with a bunch of farmers). I played cards sitting next to the biggest smack talker ever. He looked to be 65 or 70, and he basically insulted everyone at the table (he also totally cheated the whole night by looking at my cards, but I let that go). Next to him was a man who was 83 and because we were in his house decided not to wear his teeth that night (good house rule). He was a sweetheart and made conversation with me by telling me about every one of my family members he has seen while farming. He went all the way back to my great grandfather (whom he called Mr. Smith). When I told him one of my uncles got out of farming and works at a ski summit his eyes got all squinty. It was a great party, and not just because I won all the prizes at the card table (in the game we played you won prizes for losing and I won them all!) My dad ended up winning all the money (quarters) and gave them to me, so I basically kicked ass. It was funny because it ended up being my dad against a 7 year old (everyone else losing all their money), and then my dad won. I thought for sure he would give the girl all the money but he gave it to me. I decided she needed to learn a lesson (gambling is wrong) and well, I needed laundry money. Quarters are gold.

One last question. I was talking to Supermommy tonight and we were thinking it would be fun if she guest posted. Does anyone know how she can guest post?