How I Spent My Christmas Vacation....

So far I have been sick. As if having a cold wasn't enough, I developed an infection and was in urgent care at 7 am this morning. Needless to say my vacation has been a vast wasteland of Kleenex and empty emergenC packets. And now my regimen involves antibiotics. Antibiotics that make me gag everytime I have to take one (twice a day). I never thought I would say this but I can't wait to go back to work.

As for Christmas, I am happy to say it was nice. Aside from the fact that I lost my voice due to all the talking (I'm telling you this entire vacation has revolved around sickness). I got some random presents (like a girls size hat, glove and scarf set from my grandma) but overall most of the presents were useful and cool. My dad got me the antiaging set from Arbonne. Which is something I totally wanted, but would have never bought on my own. From my mom I got a ton of movie tickets (which I totally love but haven't been able to use yet) and a ton of socks (which I have used). Everyone seemed to love the presents I got them, even though I got the wrong size shoes for my mom. Dammit Janet.

Yesterday, before I realized I had the infection, I felt well enough to get my flat tire fixed. I called AAA and someone came out really fast, and put my spare on in 10 minutes tops. I broke a vow and went to Walmart to get the flat fixed. I haven't stepped foot in Walmart in about 2 years, but the previous owner of my car had a lifetime warranty on the tires. That was too good of a deal. When I got to Walmart the tire guy was nice until he said that all the warranty covered was fixing the flat, not putting it back on my car. For them to actually put it back on I would have had to drive it in flat. What the hell. I asked him what I was supposed to do. He told me to have my husband put the tire back on. While I was flattered he thought anyone would marry me the way I looked (real sexy with a runny red nose and unwashed hair), I had to tell him there was no man in my life. Nothing makes you feel like gold then admitting that to the walmart tire guy while your nose is running. He told me he would talk to his manager and to come back in 2 hours. I came back and the nice tire guy told me that they would put the tire back on. I just needed to leave my car with them for 30 minutes. At this point I am beginning to realize I am sicker than just a cold, and entering Walmart was probably not the wisest move I could make. And I probably shouldn't have used their restroom either (but at least it made me remember why I made the vow in the first place). 30 minutes later I walk back to express tire and lube (finding nothing express about waiting for 2.5 hours to get a flat fixed and placed back on my car). The nice tire guy tells me my car is done, and so I walk to it. The first thing I notice is the tire is not right. I asked someone where my hubcap was, and he looked at me and said, "That tire didn't come with a hubcap". Well then I asked him where my spare was, and it was at that point I realized they had taken the spare off and then put it right back on. Nice. Then it took 4 men to find my tire and then another 15 minutes to put the right tire on. 3 hours later I made my way home. Thanks Walmart.


For some reason I am actually looking forward to New Year's. I like to think I will be better by then, but heaven knows what else will happen to me.

How To Tell You're On The Naughty List...

As if it is not enough to be sick on Christmas I also have a flat tire. Thanks Santa. I think it's safe to say my name is not on the nice list this year. So while I am waiting for my mom to pick me up so I can spend Christmas Eve with her and my grandma I thought I would offer a story of love this Christmas season.

As told to me by Supermommy:

All her toddler wanted from Santa was a present wrapped in green paper. Doesn't matter what the present is, all he wanted was for it to be wrapped in green paper. In the Supermommy household there was lots of red and silver wrapping paper, but nary a green roll to be found. So she did what any loving mother would do and when her darling child was asleep ran to the store to get green wrapping paper. Did I mention it was also raining like crazy outside? I really hope he likes his present wrapped in green paper tomorrow. Supermommy also told me that her toddler was only getting one present from Santa at their house, since our grandmother goes crazy with the presents at Christmas. Since her baby is only 7 months old she also mentioned not getting her anything, but she wondered what her toddler would think. I told her that she should say the baby was naughty this year, so Santa didn't bring her anything. It's becoming clear how I made the naughty list!

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday!

The Ghost of Christmas Past


As a child I was sick a lot during the holidays. Christmas, Easter, my birthday, you name it. Horrifically sick at that. I would have to stay in my room and not get to go to my grandparents house and get presents from Santa (my parents would bring them to my room). It sucked big time. Even in undergrad I would get sick every winter after finals. I attribute all this to stress and excitement. Well today was the beginning of my week off work, and as I was doing some last minute shopping I began sneezing. I am not usually a person who sneezes, so I now this is the beginning of my holiday cold. As I wrap the presents I bought today, I will drink from my Airborne and orange juice. Sweet healing nectar. I just hope I feel good enough to finish shopping tomorrow. One more store and I am done shopping. Yeah! Too bad the store I need to go to is in the mall. Dangit.

Would You Rather Dress Like An Elf For The Rest Of Your Life Or Have A Glowing Red Nose

Just when I think I am done Christmas shopping, I found out I need to find presents for 5 more people. Which means I will be braving the mall tomorrow. Hopefully I will wake up early enough to get there before it is busy, but I am really not a wake up early kind of gal. So far the weather is sunny, and it is just beginning to get cold (as in 50 degrees cold, not like snowed in cold). I am trying to keep up with the wrapping, and right now my living room looks like a roll of wrapping paper gave birth to small frayed ribbon pieces.

So far the best gift I have given has been the book Would You Rather. I used to play this game with friends in college, but I never knew there was a book of disgusting and funny ideas. I bought it for a friend of mine who is taking a road trip for the holidays. I had it at work with me and made everyone play at lunch.

And the same friend gave me the 2007 Anne Taintor Calender which is awesome. I already have it up in my kitchen. I have 6 more hours of work and then I am off for one week (which is like a Christmas miracle to me).

I hope everyone has a happy whatever they celebrate. I can't wait to post about my crazy holiday.

Check This Out...


If you have a chance this weekend check this site outHer Bad Auction. It's a raffle for a great cause.

Cracking My Sweet Nuts...


Last night I went walking with Supermommy and her family down a neighborhood that was uber decorated for Christmas. In my group there were two preschoolers in a red wagon, one baby in a stroller and one in a baby carrier. I had no kids, as I am prone to falling. I did manage not to lose my party, and that felt like an accomplishment for me.

My evening started out by visiting my grandmother (she was nice enough to let us park at her house). I walked in as she was watching the Catholic channel, specifically a show called, "Sunday Night Live." A show similar to "Saturday Night Live" but without the funny skits, famous guest hosts, and it's hosted by two monks. Pretty much the same show. Anyway the shows topic was marriage. Being a single gal, walking in to this scene was like entering the perfect storm. I was grilled about my thoughts on marriage like I was on trial. She eventually decided I was a hopeless case when I told her I believe in prenups. It was a funny conversation and I am glad to know that my radical ideas on marriage will keep her spotlight off me (grin). Thanks be we never talked about post nups (totally a fan).

The walk was great. I only got kicked by one child (twice, and not even family). I also didn't fall or trip, and my knee only gave out once so it was a fabulous walk. At one point I even did a throw up check of the baby in the carrier, and I am glad to report there was no vomit. The kids were funny too. In the red wagon there were two boys one 4ish the other 2.5 y.o. The younger one has a propensity to hit when angered (as kids his age are apt to do), but every so often I would catch the older one goading him on. At one point he was taunting the younger one by saying "You've been naughty" over and over. I had to laugh, because that's the phrase that strikes fear in the heart of every child in my family this time of year.

We also met the first mean Santa I have ever seen. He was not at all child friendly, and talk about the wrong career to have when kids piss you off. One kid asked Santa if he knew what his name was and Santa looked at him and said "Trouble maker." He would shake hands with the kids and then yell at them to move away. I am still laughing about this.

I was also told my Supermommy's husband (we'll call him Ponch) that I was like a Nut Cracker. I didn't make the leap in caring, listening, empathetic to Nut Cracker. Unless he meant to imply the mind is the nut, then I totally get it. And telling him I prefer the term ball buster over nut cracker seems now inappropriate and wrong. The title of this post is actually what Ponch said to me at one point.

It would have been the perfect holiday event, if I hadn't yelled at a driver in front of me on my way to the event. I called him a "fucking good Samaritan." He was really was a jerk driver letting people in, while I waited in one spot for 15 minutes. The drive home was also a beast. I hate holiday traffic.

I am also happy to report that I did a big chunk of holiday shopping today at work. I went on etsy and found some great things for friends and family. I think I am almost done shopping. It's great having a slow week at work. Here's hoping the presents get here before the 25th or we will be celebrating the 12 days of Christmas (and I am pretty sure I won't find partridges and lords a leaping on etsy).

The Upside of Anger


In general I am a social cleaner only (as in I only clean when I know for a fact people are coming over.) The only exception to this rule is I clean when angry. The madder I am correlates to the amount of things I will clean. Last night I cleaned out 2 closets, cleaned off my dining room table, and straightened the living room (sort of). I would have done more, but at that point it was midnight and I didn't want to wake my neighbors. It is totally a cathartic experience to get rid of crap. I think I threw away 4 garbage bags full of stuff that either didn't work, or I didn't want in the first place. I still have more to do, and I really hope therapy tonight isn't a buzz kill on my anger, or my bedroom (and everything but the dining room) will never get organized. So what is your upside of anger?

Would You Like Butt Hairs With Those Skin Peels?


I had to go to my father's house yesterday and pick up a check. He had just come from a crazy dinner, and I was guessing he would need to be talked down. Sure enough I was there for 3 hours. So much for going to bed early. While I was there he said several things that grossed me out but here are the top three:

1) He has a friend who owns a restaurant and he has mentioned that she is not the cleanest person and it can gross him out. She was burned by grease about 2 months ago and is still healing from the burns. Apparently the burn on her head can itch her (which is normal for burns I think), but she will pick at it while she is cooking. Now several people have mentioned to her that this is gross, but she keeps doing it. According to my dad she likes freaking people out (either that or she likes visits from health inspectors).

2) Same lady: My dad walked in recently to have lunch and they were talking as she was making it. As she is talking she puts her hand in the back of her pants, scratches her ass, and then continues cooking. I was all but throwing up in my mouth as he told the story so I didn't get to ask if he ate the meal or not...

3) I guess payback's a bitch. When I got back from the coast I made fun of my dad for freaking out when I talked about having kids. I will make fun no longer. He told me that his massage therapist asked him on a date. He told her that he thought he was older than her father, and she said yup, but age is only a hang up in your mind. He agreed that it freaked him out, but he didn't want to hurt her feelings. So my father tried to make it more of a group date (with other therapists in the practice), and he agreed to take them to dinner. She is 2 years younger than me. 2 years. And my dad is 5 years older than her father. I get that this is not a serious date, but nonetheless, it's freaking me out.

Since last night I have been searching for my happy place, but apparently there is no place safe from thoughts of skin and butt in my food.

I wish the Wiseman would bring me coffee...


When I was on the coast and playing with the buddha baby my biological clock began making noises. It was a faint hum to the tune of "this could be nice." I almost gave my father a heart attack when I said it out loud. His eyes got big and all he could do was shake his head and repeat, "you are never having kids." The man is in for a shock one day, but not anytime soon.

Yesterday I baby sat a 2.5 year old and a 6 month old, and well, they kicked my ass. Both of them were great (aside from the fact that the baby was very mad that I was there and not mommy), we played, we baked Christmas cookies, and we even read stories. I also learned that Cranky the crane is a wonderful thing, and that one of the wiseman got down on one knee and said to the baby Jesus "Happy Birthday Baby Jesus I brought you Coffee." I love the fact that I live so close to my cousin that I can babysit, because she has a wonderful family, but my gosh I was exhausted after 4 hours. The other times I babysat the baby was asleep, so I only had to entertain the older child. I woke up today and my arms were sore (totally counting it as a workout), there was soggy cheezeits and baby stuff on my pants.

Supermommy (which is my new name for my cousin) is a champ for everything she does everyday. We laughed when she got home because at one point I had both kids in my lap, holding on to both and the bottle I was feeding the baby was tucked under my chin. She was working yesterday and when she got home she even made dinner. I felt like an exhausted jackass for not thinking of dinner. But I could barely remember my own name by 7pm.

So this one is for Supermommy. You are amazing, your kids are wonderful, and thanks for the fabulous dinner. You rock. Happy (early) Birthday!!!

Why I will never be employee of the week...

In case you are wondering, this is probably not the most appropriate thing to do at work during a staff meeting.

Our staff meeting yesterday got off to a late start. And somehow instead of talking about all things professional and smart we began speaking of holiday stuff. This then turned to our favorite holiday movies and someone mentioned Elf. I love this movie and can quote it at the drop of a hat. So I said some of my favorite lines (such as, you sit on a throne of lies or I like to smile, smilings my favorite.)

Then someone mentioned Bad Santa and it was in this moment I lost all sense of decorum. There is a scene in that movie that makes me laugh every time I think about (it when the little person in the movie is asked to move a passed out Santa and he is curious as to how that will be accomplished). So of course I say it, forgetting the huge number of times f-bombs are dropped. Luckily I caught myself and only said fu... instead of the whole word, but everyone got my point. This scene is made even worse by the fact that I am also laughing so hard I am about to start wheezing and crying. This moves into a conversation about movies and gender preferences. As I come down from my laughing, f-bomb filled high I realize just how unprofessional I was in that moment.

Another thing that I probably shouldn't do at work is blog this story instead of writing a report. No gold star for me this week. Unless they are passing them out for most f-bombs dropped in one staff meeting, then I would for sure win.

Disease of the Week (it's more exciting and more reliable than my attempts at book of the week)

Last week there was a break from the sickness that invades my office. Maybe because I was only at work for 2 days. Well today Valley Fever walked into my office. I don't know what it is, and to be honest I am afraid to look. Looking up Scarlet Fever on WebMD scared the crap out of me. Instead of online Christmas shopping I think I am going to look for Hazmat suits. And possibly investing in the Airborne company.

1 large latte with 5 packets of sugar, 2 cinnabons, and 3 cheese on a stick-- it must be lunch time at the coast

While this wasn't my lunch it was consumed by my aunt while we were shopping (umm food court). I am sad to report I did not have a cinnabon this year. I was under some false impression that by not eating one cinnabon I would not gain any weight. I gained more tablespoons of butter than I would care to think about, but it was worth it. We went to a restaurant for Thanksgiving dinner and I swear they served donuts as the first appetizer. Most of my family is a member of the WW, and it became a donut massacre. One person only ate half of their donut hole and had to choose who would get the other half. It almost turned ugly. They also served chocolate chips, whipped cream, and cinnamon with every cup of coffee. It was delicious. If you can't tell I am back to eating sensibly, and it will take me about a day to not be so food obsessed.

My mini vacation was great. It took my father and I about 4 hours to travel to a place that is only 2.5 hours away. And no I didn't get to sleep a wink. But I did have a rousing conversation about the price of crops (sucks to be a farmer), and whether or not Hilary will be president (definitely maybe).

The coast was beautiful. Here at home it has been so dreary, spending 4 days in the sun was fabulous. I even got a back tan (I always forget to roll over when I lay out). The company was fabulous too. Everyone was in a great mood, and there was a lot of laughing. Even on the last day I was able to laugh as my uncle began to yell "everyone needs to just stop eating. How can we finish cleaning if you keep eating." To which I asked him to hand me something out of the fridge. Maybe you had to be there.

I also got to spend a lot of time with my cousins which I loved. At one point I was talking to a cousin about who she should marry, Kevin Kinkirk (from seventh heaven) or Brad Pitt. My cousin still sleeps with her parents, so my choice was Brad. Laughingly I told her mom, the new family bed could be my cousin, brad, his kids and her parents. Again I think you had to be there.

Another cousin also came with his 5 month old baby who is so adorable. He is a little Buddha baby and just had the best time being held by everyone. I know he loved me the best though because he threw up on me 3 times (I am taking that to mean he felt very safe and secure in my arms). We also had fun making up new names for the baby. Heavy lunch and bunch of lunch were my two favorites. I can't wait to see bunch of lunch again.

On our last day we went to church (and very early I must say). My father and I were a little late and standing in the back. I assumed we would stand for the entire service. During the last 10 minutes my father decides he wants to sit down. This was during a very quiet point and we totally disrupted this gentleman sitting at the end of a pew. We totally ruined his whole service, and when it came time to offer peace to one another, he did so very grudgingly. He then booked it right after communion. After the service my dad made a joke about how many people he could run over or startle by honking. We also laughed about how mad we made the guy who had to move. Not our holiest moment, but it was funny.

The drive home went by a little faster. It only took us 3.5 hours. The funny part is that we stopped for a half an hour when we were about 10 minutes from home. 10 minutes. I had a good snowman cookie though, so I have no complaints. I miss it already (the coast and the snowman cookie.)

So far I have lost 576 tablespoons of butter (which is how my friend measures her weight loss)


I have to share because I am excited. I have been on Weight Watchers (or the WW as I like to call them) for almost a year now. I haven't been the best at it (trying to follow points and study for finals is more than my brain can handle). But I am pleased to say that as of today I am only 6 pounds away from my first goal. Here's hoping I can resist eating 4500 calories worth of stuffing (my biggest thanksgiving weakness). I am working really hard (or thinking about working hard) to reach a goal by May (when one of my good friends gets married). If I have to go to the wedding alone, then I would like to be a little skinnier (and richer, and tanner, but those are really beyond me). Anyhoo, I had better go back to packing. We haven't left yet for the coast because of the fog outside, and I have not packed a thing yet.

Are We There Yet???

In about 20 hours I am headed for my Thanksgiving vacation. Me and my dad driving to the coast where most of my family will be spending Thanksgiving. I am so excited I can't even stand it. Here's to a 4 hour car trip with Murph, driving to a place that is only about 3 hours away (Murph likes to take his time). I like to believe I will get to sleep, but no doubt he will bring up some political something and I will get mad. I am also hoping we can listen to music this trip. He's a talk radio kind of man, and that is nothing more than a form of torture for me. This year I am bringing a secret weapon. I have 2 Beatles cd's and I know by playing them I will get the history of each song, at least it's not Rush Limbaugh.

I can't wait to see the ocean, but the best part of this trip is that for 5 days I get to spend time with my family. I always feel so busy with work and school, so to just be able to sit and talk with my grandmother, or play with my youngest cousin (who's like 5 months old and a total Buddha baby) is a blessing. I love that we have a huge dinner in a restaurant somewhere. Hopefully everyone has a great meal (lets not forget the French fiasco that was last year). But even the bad meals are wonderful because of the company. I also love that on Friday we will go shopping, and every year I have ideas of grandeur. I think I am going to get all my Christmas shopping done, but in reality I will probably only get a cinnabon (for myself, not a gift).

I hope everyone has a safe and happy Thanksgiving. I hope you have great food and better company, and of course, a cinnabon on Friday.

I want to leave you with this thought. My coworker just came in and told me that on average people eat about 4500 calories during Thankgiving dinner. Yummy.

"Maybe Scarlet Fever. It's a better color for Christmas"-- A Christmas in Connecticut



Since beginning my new job a lot of my clients have been sick. It started out slowly with a cold here or the flu there. Then came pink eye, and my office was scrubbed down and Lysol'ed for the greater good. So I come into work today (all the while counting down to Wednesday when I leave for Thanksgiving break), and I find out my client with a fever last week who went home early had SCARLET FEVER!! WTF is this???? Sounds deadly.

Okay so I looked it up on WebMD and it is form of strep throat (the form that Beth got in the Little Women). On that site it never talked about adults getting it, but even writing that just feels like a dare to the Gods.

I am frightened of what the next two days will bring. I am guessing Monkey Pox. Anyone else care to make a guess? I think next year I will try and work for the CDC. What cracks me up is that no other person in this office has seen the sickies like I have. I must be sending out a message to the universe.

A Moral dilemma

WWYD if....

You had a really expensive bottle of lotion...
You bought it but realized you couldn't wear it because the smell made a migraine worser than worse....
So you offered to give it to a friend...
And then your cleaning lady came...
And moved it....
You didn't know she moved it...
And you accidentally knocked it in the toilet....
But the toilet was exceptionally CLEAN (thanks cleaning lady)...
You fished it out real quick...
And the top was on the whole time (and no water got into the lotion as far as you can tell)...

So...
Do you still give it to your friend (without telling her), because you know that if you tell her she will throw it out and you HATE wasting money...
(and this post does not apply to anyone local who reads it- I promise!!!)?
So how would you handle this....

I may be smart, but I'm no Nancy Drew (or the mystery of the sweet smelling dead lady)


Well I finally figured out the maple brown sugar oatmeal smell (in case you were wondering). I couldn't shake it all night, and to be honest I was beginning to worry. In my head this could only mean one of two things: a) I was either having an olfactory halluncination, which is not good. Or b) I had some strange disease that, as my body is slowly decomposing, (and my eyes begin to melt away) lets off a sweet oatmeal smell (I would have hoped it would be called Quakerbola and not Monkey Virus #5), which would also not be good. There's worst case scenario's, then there is what I come up with.

The smell turned out to be neither a psychotic break or Quakerbola. Rather it was the ear drops I put in my ear last night. Weird that my ear drops smell like breakfast. But I am glad I am not dying.

Oh and something funny for my local readers. Every Monday night one news station asks local doctors what they are treating most that week. Most doctors said strep throat and the flu or colds, but one doctor actually said strep throat, flu like symptoms and Chlamydia. The news caster then stated, "Chladmydia is the number one most common STD." I guess having oatmeal smelling ears isn't so bad anymore.

"Tiger, I can't sleep" (alternate title: I think Death smells like maple brown sugar oatmeal)


When I can't sleep I think of that episode from Kipper in which good old Kip has insomnia. I went home early today because I woke up feeling crappy. All muscles aching and upset stomach. It seems everyone in my family has the flu, but I haven't been around them so how the heck did I get sick? I made it as long as I could and then went home an hour early. I took a hot bath and tried to sleep but I kept waking up. At 9 I conceded defeat and got out of bed. Weird but I kept smelling what I thought was maple brown sugar oatmeal. I can't figure it out, since I haven't eaten oatmeal in a week. So my best guess is death is following me. Or maybe my sense of smell is off and what I am really smelling are the muffins I made yesterday. It could really go either way. I am going to make my second attempt at sleep. Wish me luck, as I have to wake up early to make up for leaving early.

Ebay here I come...

I have a lot of crap. Crap that was given to me by my mother mostly, although some other "gifts" I have received from friends and other family members are making it into my crap pile. I wasn't sure what to do with it, and finally decided to try selling it on Ebay. I have no experience selling things on Ebay so any advice anyone has is greatly appreciated. And if anyone is looking for gold moccasins size 10 drop me a line. Here goes nothing....

It's Shat-rageous!!! (alternate title to this post: ("You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means" -the Princess Bride).



I was all set to write this depressing post about my family life. My day was not great to begin with: it started off with me taking a walk and seeing a used condom on the ground (okay that was gross and a little funny if I am being honest). Then I went to vote, and I totally forgot my practice ballot and I forgot how I was going to vote on some issues and voted wrong. Then I had a sinus headache that wouldn't go away. It all cumulated in a phone call to my mom. I made the damn call so I have no one to blame but myself, but it was still sucky. My mom is not doing well today and talking to her for 15 minutes almost made me cry the whole way home. So here I am driving depressed, and trying not to cry and I swear every song on the radio was sad (Thanks to Barenaked Ladies, The Fray, Daniel Powter, and Matt Kearney for the music). In a way it helped (I sang it out), but my mood didn't improve until I made a great meal of spaghetti squash with marinara, mushrooms, and Italian sausage. So maybe the depressed feelings could have been explained by intense hunger (and the freaking fact that I am once again doing weight watchers, and all I want is a quarter pounder with cheese), or the fact that I am PMSing like nobody's business (I have already cried on the way home from work a few nights over the last several days). Either way drive home sucked, and I was sad. I was just beginning to blog about my great saga of a day, when I heard this phase on ABC advertising William Shatner's new game (Show Me the Money): "You don't know Shat!" Wait...What did they say...Doesn't that mean what I think it means?!?!? The commercial went on to talk about how it was going to be "Shat-rageous!" and "Shat-eriffic!" By now I am snorting, but not 100% sure this means what I think it means. So I looked it up on dictionary.com and here is the official definition:

Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.
American Heritage Dictionary - Cite This Source
shat shitt) Pronunciation Key
v. Vulgar Slan.
A past tense and a past participle of shit.

Yep, I was right!!! Thanks ABC you made my night. When I am sad or depressed in the future I am going to think "shat-rageous" How in the hell did this pass through the ranks of ABC to become a national commercial? I am still smiling. Even though the election results in my state are starting to come out and so far the man I want for Governor and Lt..Gov. are not winning. All I can say is it's freaking shat-eriffic!