One scary faun, one un-marching band concert, and one dating dad. Must be my weekend recap.

I spent Super Bowl with my dad and his girlfriend. So weird writing that my dad has a girlfriend ( to my aunt and uncle who sometimes read this don't mention to him the g.f. or that I am weirded out). Thanks be her daughters were there, as was her 80 something year old father and his girlfriend (who I found out has schizophrenia. I found out after getting into a talk about schizophrenia with g.f.'s daughter while the g.f. was staring at us. In a word, awkward). But there was something magical in the air that day and for once the team I picked won something (I should have placed a bet). I am usually a curse on teams or horses (if I am at the races). And my luck continued when I realized I left my keys stuck in the door handle at my dad's house for about 7 hours. Surprisingly no one stole my car. Unsurprisingly, all my cd's were still there (not a big market for big band music and the greatest hits of the Bare Naked Ladies where my dad lives). That was the first time I have ever left my keys in the door handle. I have left them in my apt door over night, and even locked in the car. The funny thing was I knew something was weird, and as I drove away with my dad to g.f.'s house I reached in my purse for my keys, but then talked myself out of panicking. Dammit, Oprah was right and I do need to follow my instinct.

It was funny talking to g.f.'s daughters about how weird it was to have parents dating. I felt good hearing it freaked them out too. One of the daughters was funny. She said, "Don't get me wrong we really like your dad, and you too, and we haven't liked everyone mom has brought home." Good to know they like me too.

Also among this weekend's activities was a trip to see Pan's Labyrinth. I flinched and turned my head all the way through this movie. I couldn't even handle the non-scary moments because I was so panicky about being scared. I sat next to someone who has never seen this side of me before and I think it frightened him. Luckily, he had seen this movie before, and was okay with me whispering, "Just tell me how it ends dammit!" I had weird dreams that night and I blame this movie.

On Saturday we went to a band concert. I was thinking rocking music, but what I should have been thinking was John Sousa. Yes it was a marching band concert, sans marching. It was actually really fun, but I was under dressed in jeans, and all marches sound the same to me. Oh the conductor tried to explain the subtle differences (like one sounded more military, and one ore circusy), but it's all the same march in my ears. I am still boggled that people paid tens of thousands of dollars to have a march composed. But I actually think I want to attend the next one, since I know one of the musicians. It's all about embracing my inner geekness. I also had about a 30 second crush on a flute player (I have never seen a male flute player before and he was really cute in a geeky sort of way), but then I saw his ring and overheard someone mention his wife. No marching band romance for me. Another dream denied.

Sleeping Single in a Double Bed (at least there are no health code violations)

On Sunday I tag-team babysat Supermommy kids, and thanks be my cousin was there, because we had an incident of the explosive diarrhetic nature (supermommy's kid not me). I took one look at it coming down the pants of her oldest baby, and made a mad grab for the one who was drinking a bottle. Literally taking her from my cousin's hands and thinking to myself, "Sucka now you have free hands." Oh hell to the no! I am not ready to clean up stuff like that. I am not ready to clean anything that may have a whole health code protocol involved. Luckily my cousin is a special-ed teacher, and does not have the weak stomach I do (and she knows the proper protocol). I am so not ready for children. I talked to her today and the whole house has the stomach flu. I am dousing myself with EmergenC as I write this.


Speaking of things I am not ready for. Last night I was having a pity party for one when I realized that all my friends are in relationships. I am happy for them don't get me wrong, but it does have it's moments of pity party. Then this morning the pity party grew a little larger. My father called me and told me that he is dating someone. What the hell! Again happy for him and I really like who he is dating, but now to be the only single one in my friends and family makes it a pity banquet. On the menu tonight, whine and warm jello parfait. Thanks be it's therapy night!

Warm Jello For Dinner, Must Be The Early Bird Special...



So last night began with my friends and I finalizing plans to attend the symphony. I panicked because I had no idea what to wear. I pictured ball gowns and tuxes. Then I remembered where I live (small town, not a big cultural hub). I went with work attire (which is always painful to wear when you're not working). I was a little freaked because I had to park several blocks away from the concert, and the concert theatre is in a bad part of town. Images of stolen cars and mugging ran through my head as I tried to remember everything I learned on Oprah to prevent a kidnapping. Luckily I managed to make it to the restaurant without having to scream at the top of my lungs "that's my purse!" or run in a zig zag pattern to avoid being shot. The restaurant we chose is across the street from the theatre in a hotel. One would think that would have spelled easy supper. But not when the Dixieland Festival is town. I walked into AARP Command Central. There was a long line to the even put your name down for a table and standing in it I realized I was the youngest person by about 50 years. And I was the most casually dressed. I saw more seniors in mini skirts or short dresses than I ever have before (or hope to see again). And lots of snazzily dressed gents, escorting their lovely ladies. And the person behind me in line was knitting to pass the time. We talked as she knitted and she was hilarious. It was like talking to 70 year old me, because she made fun of what everyone was wearing, and she totally encouraged me to lie to get faster service. I hope I look as good as her at 70 (you know, as in have a great set of dentures and most of my hair), and still have a great sense of humor.

The food was okay. I chose the dinner buffet because the jello parfait looked good. Needless to say I chose poorly. We made it the symphony in plenty of time to get settled and I learned something about myself. I need lyrics attached to my music to stay focused. The classical pieces were beautiful, but I was not the best person to appreciate them. My mind kept wondering to what the musicians lives must be like, and the potential dramas that can surround first chair, assistant to first chair etc... I was also horrified/entertained by the French horn players who kept trying to get something out of their horns (my guess is it was partially chewed dinner or a really big spit wad). Next week we are having a movie night. Way more my speed.

Note To Self: Listen When People Say, "You Don't Want To Know"...

After the harrassment training being at work was funny. Someone called me dear (she calls everyone in the office dear) and then immediately aplogized as I stood there laughing. At least she didn't call me sweet cheeks or baby doll.

Thursday night I went to dinner at a friends house and learned something I can definitely never say at work. Someone there was descibing a recent trip with his friends, and how a one of the gals (as a word I can't use at work anymore) made it a point to use the words "meat curtain" as often as she could (as well as ass and the f-bomb). I asked him what a meat curtain was, and he looked at me and said "you really don't want to know." He knows me well. Better than I know myself. I lasted all of 1 minute and stated I really needed to know. He told me. And I was wrong, I didn't need to know. Dammit janet now I can't get it out of my head.

Last night I finally had the Arbonne party I should have had 2 months ago. I bought way too much food, and had a blast. People came I don't know very well and I was surprised at how much fun I had. I was also surprised that anyone besides myself bought anything, and that they wanted to have their own parties. So my attendance at Arbonne parties is pretty much set through spring.

Tomorrow I will be tagteam babysitting Supermommy's kids nad I can't wait. She called me this morning to ask if I was free. Then she toold me that her son's new favorite game is "I spy." To make it more challenging on mere adults he picks imaginary things. The last thing she told me before she hung up was, "If he says he sees something green there is a dinosaur in the room." Can't wait.

The Things I Learn At Work

Today during a work meeting on harassment I began to worry. Should I have sent out the Sarah Silverman jokes yesterday? Should I have repeated Sacha Baron Cohen's speech from the Golden Globes? Should I have acted out a scene from Bad Santa at a lunch meeting? Am I nothing more than a giant walking harasser? And then I realized (after thoughts of being fired or labeled a harasser ran through my mind) that I work with people who do all these things too. So no, I am not a harasser. Either that or we will all get arrested and sued together. It could really go either way.

Oh and I learned that since I work in the public domain I shouldn't wear a short skirt with no underwear (a la Britney Spears), because even in the off hours we are representing. I filed that under 'things I should have known this morning as I was getting dressed.'

Happy Place Don't Fail Me Now

Well it took about 10 minutes to get over my anger. After signing off I began reading my mail and I noticed I got two catalogs, so I was excited. The catalogs I usually get are Pottery Barn and The Land of Nod. This was no PB or LON. This was also not a catalog for me as I have since learned. It looked like a work out magazine, and I was excited (thinking I might have signed up for something). Then I read it, and found the list of sexual toys and various other sex aides, and realized this magazine was for my NEIGHBOR!!! My, works for PBS, dresses like my grandma (and she is a grandma), lives with her adult (creepy) son, Neighbor. And now I have to give her the catalog, and try not to laugh (or blush) as I do it. Now when ever she gets a package, I'll wonder what aide she ordered. EWWWWWWW!!!! This wouldn't creep me out so much if I didn't see her as a mom (and grandma). Shuddering. I know it is juvenile, but I just don't want to picture grandma's having healthy sex lives. They should be playing piano and making pies (which is how I used to picture her life). Wish me luck I am going over. (taking catalog over...) Well her (creepy) son answered the door and then proceeded to LOOK through the catalog. Luckily he didn't see the Karma Sutra pages. Laughter averted.

Evaluate This!

So today I had a presentation at my job. First off I suck at public speaking. My voice gets cracky (like Peter Brady going through puberty), I get really cold (I mean my hands feel frozen), and I can't talk (as in say my own name). In other words it is a lovely time for everyone concerned. It went about as well as I expected. I couldn't feel my hands, my mouth got really dry, and I stuttered. To top it off I was presenting child therapy to people who don't really believe in this type of therapy. So from the very title of my power point I took shit from people. As in: "Is that really a disorder? Where is it listed in the DSM? Can you tell me?" That was a direct comment by a really nice (snorting) student. They were a tough crowd to say the least. To top it off, these people who don't do my type of work, then get to evaluate how well I know my client, my theory, and my research on everything. I knew better than to read the evals, I really did. But then I read them. Most were really positive, but there then I read the one that stuck with me all day. This comment made me so mad, because this person was not paying one bit of attention to anything, and then marked me low on something I never even said. Deep breath. Sigh. It's funny how I can read a lot of positive things, and the one negative (albeit ignorant) one is what I think about all day. It would also help if I didn't already have a history with this person. That's what I get for thinking that things were finally settling down. Well I only have 6 months and 11 days of my program left, so maybe the best thing to do is just suck it up. After, of course, I emailed the admin. assistant and lodged my complaint of the low score. Student first people. Student first. Thanks be this is the only presentation I will have to do for these people.


So after my really fun morning I went shopping. I heart retail therapy. I am now the proud owner of 3 new books, and I bought a present for a friend. I even mailed out right away too. I think I will go read now.

What It Took to Make My First Weight Loss Goal

10 months
3 infections
3 rounds of antibiotics
1 diagnosis of HBP plus meds for this (which I am happy to say is down again)
Laying off the soda, coffee, mochas, and anything one can buy at Starbucks (goodbye mocha fraps I loved you long time)
Laying off cheeseburgers, french fries, chocolate icecream, chocolate cake, chocolate pie, and candy (damn their yumminess)
Eating chicken salads everyday for lunch (at least as of the last 5 days and I have to say pretty yummy)
Eating cheerios everyday for breakfast (unless I am eating oatmeal that day, and convincing myself of the yumminess every damn morning)
Finally listening to my dad's advice about flaxseed and oatmeal (but knowing I am not quite ready to hear about figs and Caesar salads-vurping just writing this)
Charting my weight on the WW (unless it was a week I gained, then no charting for me)
Eating more fruit (te amo berries, no te quiero coconut)
Eating more vegetables (te amo corn and peas, no te quiero brussel sprouts)
Walking (especially entertaining having the used condom count as a part of my walk so far up to 3)
YBB (Yoga Booty Ballet-my method of trying to become graceful-no grace yet, but I haven't fallen, but let's face it, I do desperately clutch a chair and pray)
Did I mention no more sodas? I really miss them (especially the cherry vanilla ones, or just cherry, or any soda)
Eating more dark chocolate (hell yeah-it's good for you-and only an ounce at a time)

And did I mention I have even lost more weight than the WW first goal!!!!! Yeah for me! Now on to the next goal. How about wellness for a while? I might have set the bar too high with that goal.

Things to Know Before You Go To a Hockey Game

Dear Me,

Here are important things to know, like it's not really that cold, so you don't have to wear sweats and silk long underwear. Bring your own water (unless you want to pay 7.00 for two 20 ounce bottles). This probably isn't your sport, as you don't like violence or dancing in my seat for the chance to make the fan shots. Watching people get smashed against the glass or get smashed on expensive cups of cheap beer is not your thing. Especially when you are drinking water, and you directly behind a 6 year old who screams obscenities at the other team. All night long. Lastly, fear of flying pucks hitting your teeth (I have slow reaction times) will occupy your mind all night, causing you to flinch uncontrollably every time the puck is airborne.


So far my 3 day weekend is going well. I spent last night with my dad and his friends again. All the quarters from the game once again went to me (they all remembered the agony of paying for laundry). It was also my second night at resisting temptation (namely chocolate cake, chocolate pie, and icecream). Tonight I am having dinner at my mom's and I asked them to have chicken salad, so hopefully it will not be a fried chicken and fried vegetable salad (my g-ma's been known to make those). I slept in today till noon today. Fabulous indeed. And today I am watching season one of Arrested Development. I heart this show. Later I will clean my second bedroom out. I am still convincing myself it will be fun.

Still Sick...

Haven't felt like posting this week. I have made my second trip to urgent care in 3 weeks. On Tuesday it felt like my lungs were burning and I missed a meeting at work to go to urgent care. This time the diagnosis was bronchitis, but my blood pressure was high, so they wanted to do an ekg. That was fun. I kept imagining the doctor coming in to tell me that the ambulance was ready to take me to the hospital. When the doctor came back in to tell me I could go back to work, and I had to ask him how it went. He was like "oh your heart is fine." But since this was the second reading of high blood pressure I am now on meds. High blood pressure runs in my family, but I am seriously hoping that when I eventually lose all the extra weight I am carrying I can get off of them. My boss said I could take the day off today and that was nice. I went to my general doctor, and talked about different medicine options. I also tried to go to a "woman doctor" as my dad calls them, but found out my insurance doesn't cover annual exams (only sickness and injury). Swell. A perk of feeling crappy is that I am only a couple of pounds away from making my first weight goal. Yeah. Today was the first day I really wanted to eat anything. Thanks be this is a three day weekend. I want to have a couple of days of feeling good under my belt before I start back at work.

Every Party Should Be A Teeth Optional Party


I can't believe it's 2007 already. I have been trying to think of some great thing to say about the new year, but after spending a week in bed, and still desperately clutching my Kleenex box (for fear that I will laugh out a loogie on a client), I got nothing. 2006 was good. I finished my dissertation and got an internship, so my goals were met. I also lost weight (slower than molasses falling in January, but I lost). Being sick with a double infection really made all the holiday weight drop which was cool. I am apprehensive of making a specific goal or a resolution for the New Year, because I am notorious for breaking resolutions. So I guess my goal is to keep on keeping on (which I personally think is a sweet goal).

Thankfully I was feeling well enough to go out New Year's Eve. And I went to a party my dad was invited too. That might seem dorky to some but it was hilarious (and since I couldn't drink anyway why not hang out with a bunch of farmers). I played cards sitting next to the biggest smack talker ever. He looked to be 65 or 70, and he basically insulted everyone at the table (he also totally cheated the whole night by looking at my cards, but I let that go). Next to him was a man who was 83 and because we were in his house decided not to wear his teeth that night (good house rule). He was a sweetheart and made conversation with me by telling me about every one of my family members he has seen while farming. He went all the way back to my great grandfather (whom he called Mr. Smith). When I told him one of my uncles got out of farming and works at a ski summit his eyes got all squinty. It was a great party, and not just because I won all the prizes at the card table (in the game we played you won prizes for losing and I won them all!) My dad ended up winning all the money (quarters) and gave them to me, so I basically kicked ass. It was funny because it ended up being my dad against a 7 year old (everyone else losing all their money), and then my dad won. I thought for sure he would give the girl all the money but he gave it to me. I decided she needed to learn a lesson (gambling is wrong) and well, I needed laundry money. Quarters are gold.

One last question. I was talking to Supermommy tonight and we were thinking it would be fun if she guest posted. Does anyone know how she can guest post?

How I Spent My Christmas Vacation....

So far I have been sick. As if having a cold wasn't enough, I developed an infection and was in urgent care at 7 am this morning. Needless to say my vacation has been a vast wasteland of Kleenex and empty emergenC packets. And now my regimen involves antibiotics. Antibiotics that make me gag everytime I have to take one (twice a day). I never thought I would say this but I can't wait to go back to work.

As for Christmas, I am happy to say it was nice. Aside from the fact that I lost my voice due to all the talking (I'm telling you this entire vacation has revolved around sickness). I got some random presents (like a girls size hat, glove and scarf set from my grandma) but overall most of the presents were useful and cool. My dad got me the antiaging set from Arbonne. Which is something I totally wanted, but would have never bought on my own. From my mom I got a ton of movie tickets (which I totally love but haven't been able to use yet) and a ton of socks (which I have used). Everyone seemed to love the presents I got them, even though I got the wrong size shoes for my mom. Dammit Janet.

Yesterday, before I realized I had the infection, I felt well enough to get my flat tire fixed. I called AAA and someone came out really fast, and put my spare on in 10 minutes tops. I broke a vow and went to Walmart to get the flat fixed. I haven't stepped foot in Walmart in about 2 years, but the previous owner of my car had a lifetime warranty on the tires. That was too good of a deal. When I got to Walmart the tire guy was nice until he said that all the warranty covered was fixing the flat, not putting it back on my car. For them to actually put it back on I would have had to drive it in flat. What the hell. I asked him what I was supposed to do. He told me to have my husband put the tire back on. While I was flattered he thought anyone would marry me the way I looked (real sexy with a runny red nose and unwashed hair), I had to tell him there was no man in my life. Nothing makes you feel like gold then admitting that to the walmart tire guy while your nose is running. He told me he would talk to his manager and to come back in 2 hours. I came back and the nice tire guy told me that they would put the tire back on. I just needed to leave my car with them for 30 minutes. At this point I am beginning to realize I am sicker than just a cold, and entering Walmart was probably not the wisest move I could make. And I probably shouldn't have used their restroom either (but at least it made me remember why I made the vow in the first place). 30 minutes later I walk back to express tire and lube (finding nothing express about waiting for 2.5 hours to get a flat fixed and placed back on my car). The nice tire guy tells me my car is done, and so I walk to it. The first thing I notice is the tire is not right. I asked someone where my hubcap was, and he looked at me and said, "That tire didn't come with a hubcap". Well then I asked him where my spare was, and it was at that point I realized they had taken the spare off and then put it right back on. Nice. Then it took 4 men to find my tire and then another 15 minutes to put the right tire on. 3 hours later I made my way home. Thanks Walmart.


For some reason I am actually looking forward to New Year's. I like to think I will be better by then, but heaven knows what else will happen to me.

How To Tell You're On The Naughty List...

As if it is not enough to be sick on Christmas I also have a flat tire. Thanks Santa. I think it's safe to say my name is not on the nice list this year. So while I am waiting for my mom to pick me up so I can spend Christmas Eve with her and my grandma I thought I would offer a story of love this Christmas season.

As told to me by Supermommy:

All her toddler wanted from Santa was a present wrapped in green paper. Doesn't matter what the present is, all he wanted was for it to be wrapped in green paper. In the Supermommy household there was lots of red and silver wrapping paper, but nary a green roll to be found. So she did what any loving mother would do and when her darling child was asleep ran to the store to get green wrapping paper. Did I mention it was also raining like crazy outside? I really hope he likes his present wrapped in green paper tomorrow. Supermommy also told me that her toddler was only getting one present from Santa at their house, since our grandmother goes crazy with the presents at Christmas. Since her baby is only 7 months old she also mentioned not getting her anything, but she wondered what her toddler would think. I told her that she should say the baby was naughty this year, so Santa didn't bring her anything. It's becoming clear how I made the naughty list!

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday!

The Ghost of Christmas Past


As a child I was sick a lot during the holidays. Christmas, Easter, my birthday, you name it. Horrifically sick at that. I would have to stay in my room and not get to go to my grandparents house and get presents from Santa (my parents would bring them to my room). It sucked big time. Even in undergrad I would get sick every winter after finals. I attribute all this to stress and excitement. Well today was the beginning of my week off work, and as I was doing some last minute shopping I began sneezing. I am not usually a person who sneezes, so I now this is the beginning of my holiday cold. As I wrap the presents I bought today, I will drink from my Airborne and orange juice. Sweet healing nectar. I just hope I feel good enough to finish shopping tomorrow. One more store and I am done shopping. Yeah! Too bad the store I need to go to is in the mall. Dangit.

Would You Rather Dress Like An Elf For The Rest Of Your Life Or Have A Glowing Red Nose

Just when I think I am done Christmas shopping, I found out I need to find presents for 5 more people. Which means I will be braving the mall tomorrow. Hopefully I will wake up early enough to get there before it is busy, but I am really not a wake up early kind of gal. So far the weather is sunny, and it is just beginning to get cold (as in 50 degrees cold, not like snowed in cold). I am trying to keep up with the wrapping, and right now my living room looks like a roll of wrapping paper gave birth to small frayed ribbon pieces.

So far the best gift I have given has been the book Would You Rather. I used to play this game with friends in college, but I never knew there was a book of disgusting and funny ideas. I bought it for a friend of mine who is taking a road trip for the holidays. I had it at work with me and made everyone play at lunch.

And the same friend gave me the 2007 Anne Taintor Calender which is awesome. I already have it up in my kitchen. I have 6 more hours of work and then I am off for one week (which is like a Christmas miracle to me).

I hope everyone has a happy whatever they celebrate. I can't wait to post about my crazy holiday.

Check This Out...


If you have a chance this weekend check this site outHer Bad Auction. It's a raffle for a great cause.

Cracking My Sweet Nuts...


Last night I went walking with Supermommy and her family down a neighborhood that was uber decorated for Christmas. In my group there were two preschoolers in a red wagon, one baby in a stroller and one in a baby carrier. I had no kids, as I am prone to falling. I did manage not to lose my party, and that felt like an accomplishment for me.

My evening started out by visiting my grandmother (she was nice enough to let us park at her house). I walked in as she was watching the Catholic channel, specifically a show called, "Sunday Night Live." A show similar to "Saturday Night Live" but without the funny skits, famous guest hosts, and it's hosted by two monks. Pretty much the same show. Anyway the shows topic was marriage. Being a single gal, walking in to this scene was like entering the perfect storm. I was grilled about my thoughts on marriage like I was on trial. She eventually decided I was a hopeless case when I told her I believe in prenups. It was a funny conversation and I am glad to know that my radical ideas on marriage will keep her spotlight off me (grin). Thanks be we never talked about post nups (totally a fan).

The walk was great. I only got kicked by one child (twice, and not even family). I also didn't fall or trip, and my knee only gave out once so it was a fabulous walk. At one point I even did a throw up check of the baby in the carrier, and I am glad to report there was no vomit. The kids were funny too. In the red wagon there were two boys one 4ish the other 2.5 y.o. The younger one has a propensity to hit when angered (as kids his age are apt to do), but every so often I would catch the older one goading him on. At one point he was taunting the younger one by saying "You've been naughty" over and over. I had to laugh, because that's the phrase that strikes fear in the heart of every child in my family this time of year.

We also met the first mean Santa I have ever seen. He was not at all child friendly, and talk about the wrong career to have when kids piss you off. One kid asked Santa if he knew what his name was and Santa looked at him and said "Trouble maker." He would shake hands with the kids and then yell at them to move away. I am still laughing about this.

I was also told my Supermommy's husband (we'll call him Ponch) that I was like a Nut Cracker. I didn't make the leap in caring, listening, empathetic to Nut Cracker. Unless he meant to imply the mind is the nut, then I totally get it. And telling him I prefer the term ball buster over nut cracker seems now inappropriate and wrong. The title of this post is actually what Ponch said to me at one point.

It would have been the perfect holiday event, if I hadn't yelled at a driver in front of me on my way to the event. I called him a "fucking good Samaritan." He was really was a jerk driver letting people in, while I waited in one spot for 15 minutes. The drive home was also a beast. I hate holiday traffic.

I am also happy to report that I did a big chunk of holiday shopping today at work. I went on etsy and found some great things for friends and family. I think I am almost done shopping. It's great having a slow week at work. Here's hoping the presents get here before the 25th or we will be celebrating the 12 days of Christmas (and I am pretty sure I won't find partridges and lords a leaping on etsy).

The Upside of Anger


In general I am a social cleaner only (as in I only clean when I know for a fact people are coming over.) The only exception to this rule is I clean when angry. The madder I am correlates to the amount of things I will clean. Last night I cleaned out 2 closets, cleaned off my dining room table, and straightened the living room (sort of). I would have done more, but at that point it was midnight and I didn't want to wake my neighbors. It is totally a cathartic experience to get rid of crap. I think I threw away 4 garbage bags full of stuff that either didn't work, or I didn't want in the first place. I still have more to do, and I really hope therapy tonight isn't a buzz kill on my anger, or my bedroom (and everything but the dining room) will never get organized. So what is your upside of anger?

Would You Like Butt Hairs With Those Skin Peels?


I had to go to my father's house yesterday and pick up a check. He had just come from a crazy dinner, and I was guessing he would need to be talked down. Sure enough I was there for 3 hours. So much for going to bed early. While I was there he said several things that grossed me out but here are the top three:

1) He has a friend who owns a restaurant and he has mentioned that she is not the cleanest person and it can gross him out. She was burned by grease about 2 months ago and is still healing from the burns. Apparently the burn on her head can itch her (which is normal for burns I think), but she will pick at it while she is cooking. Now several people have mentioned to her that this is gross, but she keeps doing it. According to my dad she likes freaking people out (either that or she likes visits from health inspectors).

2) Same lady: My dad walked in recently to have lunch and they were talking as she was making it. As she is talking she puts her hand in the back of her pants, scratches her ass, and then continues cooking. I was all but throwing up in my mouth as he told the story so I didn't get to ask if he ate the meal or not...

3) I guess payback's a bitch. When I got back from the coast I made fun of my dad for freaking out when I talked about having kids. I will make fun no longer. He told me that his massage therapist asked him on a date. He told her that he thought he was older than her father, and she said yup, but age is only a hang up in your mind. He agreed that it freaked him out, but he didn't want to hurt her feelings. So my father tried to make it more of a group date (with other therapists in the practice), and he agreed to take them to dinner. She is 2 years younger than me. 2 years. And my dad is 5 years older than her father. I get that this is not a serious date, but nonetheless, it's freaking me out.

Since last night I have been searching for my happy place, but apparently there is no place safe from thoughts of skin and butt in my food.

I wish the Wiseman would bring me coffee...


When I was on the coast and playing with the buddha baby my biological clock began making noises. It was a faint hum to the tune of "this could be nice." I almost gave my father a heart attack when I said it out loud. His eyes got big and all he could do was shake his head and repeat, "you are never having kids." The man is in for a shock one day, but not anytime soon.

Yesterday I baby sat a 2.5 year old and a 6 month old, and well, they kicked my ass. Both of them were great (aside from the fact that the baby was very mad that I was there and not mommy), we played, we baked Christmas cookies, and we even read stories. I also learned that Cranky the crane is a wonderful thing, and that one of the wiseman got down on one knee and said to the baby Jesus "Happy Birthday Baby Jesus I brought you Coffee." I love the fact that I live so close to my cousin that I can babysit, because she has a wonderful family, but my gosh I was exhausted after 4 hours. The other times I babysat the baby was asleep, so I only had to entertain the older child. I woke up today and my arms were sore (totally counting it as a workout), there was soggy cheezeits and baby stuff on my pants.

Supermommy (which is my new name for my cousin) is a champ for everything she does everyday. We laughed when she got home because at one point I had both kids in my lap, holding on to both and the bottle I was feeding the baby was tucked under my chin. She was working yesterday and when she got home she even made dinner. I felt like an exhausted jackass for not thinking of dinner. But I could barely remember my own name by 7pm.

So this one is for Supermommy. You are amazing, your kids are wonderful, and thanks for the fabulous dinner. You rock. Happy (early) Birthday!!!