Thoughts On The Funeral

The minister's name was Hymen Wood. I smirked through out the funeral about this. He never met my g-pa and all he did was read the obit and then open it up to family and friends to speak out. Two days ago my mother, aunt, and cousin spent several hours with him telling stories of my g-pa, and he never mentioned one of their stories.

At the end of the end of the service he concluded by basically saying my g-pa was going to hell, as were all others who didn't believe exactly what he believed (which was the entire congregation minus one uncle who attends his church). I now think of him as as a worse name than Hymen Wood (which took some thinking because his parents punished him pretty good with that one).

During the service I kept looking at pictures of my grandfather still in shock that he is no longer around. I don't know when I will wrap my mind around this loss in my life.

Three friends came to support me and it pretty much made my day. The also got to witness the fam up close and personal. This may have killed any supportive feelings they might have in the future.

My mother's eulogy included a detailed account of how she told g-pa to walk to the light as he died. I get why she would do this, and had it been my own father, who's to say if I wouldn't have done the same. Nonetheless, I still get the image in my head of the creepy people in Poltergeist.

She also talked about how close my family is to my g-pa's girlfriend's family (two families becoming one was her term). This lasted until the reception when she began referring to the g-friend as "that bitch." "That bitch" was sitting about 6 seats down from her while the rant took place. Awkward.

Also during the eulogy she went on and on about how my uncle was now going to take care of everyone (aka her). As I prepare to begin my new job I have been making lists in my head of things I want to save for (house/adoption/new mattress). As she spoke I realized I need to start a savings account for her needs too. Luckily though there was no spontaneous singing from anyone (especially her) during the service.

Several people said lovely things about g-pa, and minus being told I was going to hell for believing in evolution (and space travel--what the hell kind of a minister was he??) it was a nice memorial.

During the reception, the soup course to be exact (tomato soup no less), my mother went into great detail about my grandfather's bodily functions and how this was how they knew the cancer was back. It will be along time before I eat tomato soup. A very long time. I was really glad to be sitting next to my friends. Because all I had to do was look at them and know that I wasn't the only one done with the first course. The rest of the meal I actively worked to block her out (at least until I was finished eating).

Goodbye Grandpa

I got the phone call today that my grandfather passed away. It is a blessing because as bad as I thought he was on Wednesday, his health steadily declined, and yesterday he slipped into a coma. Thankfully he died in his sleep (to the sounds of my mother telling him to walk to the light no less). When I heard this I had a picture my mother like the creepy old lady in Poltergeist.

Everyone is now preparing for the funeral. Apparently God either answered my prayers or He reads my blog because my mother decided not to perform Karaoke at the funeral. She will still be giving a eulogy, so my prayers are now that this is okay.

I am sure as days progress I will have a lot to blog about. Someday soon I hope to blog about my Sunday night. I went out with my dad for a couple of hours during his harvest. It was totally take your daughter to work night (and I learned that his champagne grapes are used to make Brandy which was cool). I am going to bed now to prepare for whatever tomorrow brings.

Jokes About Dying...

Yesterday I spent an hour with my grandfather. His health is deteriorating rapidly, and I know there isn't much time. This summer I feel like I have spent the majority of it trying to make my mom feel better, and I have not had a chance to process what his death will mean for me. Yesterday I got my first real taste of it.

My grandpa always seemed larger than life to me. It isn't that he is the biggest man alive, but he had a big presence. And he seemed indestructible. I remember once he wanted to drive me to college, because he couldn't really believe it was a 10 hour drive (it was I assure you-12 hours if you traveled with my dad). My g-pa and I made it in 7. I have never been so sure I was going to die in my life. He just kept laughing and saying this drive was nothing. He may have also been drunk (which he was often), but still.

We were close when I was younger, but grew distant when he and my g-ma split up. It wasn't until I was older that I realized most of the anger I carried towards him came from my mom's own feelings of rejection. It's funny the emotional baggage you carry for your parents when you are a child. I wrote him a letter when I graduated high school apologizing for my distance, but by then I was off to college and then graduate school. I will admit I hid behind the distance between us (telling myself I didn't want to be around a drunk driver to make it better). It just felt easier to keep things status quo. Now I wish I had been more accessible to him. The thing is, he never had a bad thing to say about me or my mom. He has loved us the same as ever. Someday I hope my mom sees that.

When I walked in yesterday and saw him in the hospice bed it really hit me. He looks like someone that is dying. He was also not wearing pants, and that was disturbing too (sorry if it is disrespectful but it freaked me out). We sat and talked for about 30 minutes before he fell asleep. I was not sure what the protocol is for this situation. Should I talk about how much I love him, and tell him thanks for being my g-pa? I chose to let him lead the conversation. And the jokes began. His g-friend came in and said she was going to by lotto tickets. He said something about winning the lotto and dying in the same week. To which I replied, "But it would be a hell of a funeral." Then I had a moment of panic. Did I just crack a joke about his funeral to him?!? Then he laughed and it was on. We spent about 10 minutes trying to outdo the each other with inappropriate death jokes. He won (I think he had an unfair advantage though--he has thought longer about his impending death than I have).

We also talked about my mom and his worries about her. There was nothing I could think of to reassure him, so I kept quiet.

When he fell asleep I left the room so I wouldn't disturb him and I sat awkwardly in his living room. I wasn't sure what to think so I tried to keep my mind blank of death and dying. This might have worked if the T.V. wasn't on CNN and the coverage wasn't all about people dead or dying from the recent floods. I focused instead on the family pictures scattered about, realizing how little I have known about my grandfather's life in the last 18 years. I also found out there is a hole in the floor in the living room.

His home health nurse came in and I left. As I kissed him goodbye he introduced my as his granddaughter first then he said my granddaughter, Dr. Lorelai. When the nurse heard this she looked up and said, "Oh a doctor! How do you do." and then shook my hand. Superficial Bitch. I told my g-pa I would be back in a couple of days. The nurse stopped me and said. "But aren't you a doctor? Don't you want to watch his catheter change?" WTF?!? A) Even if I was a medical doctor, there is no way in hell I would get near my g-pa's catheter region (I am making a circular hand motion in my own catheter region). It was bad enough he wasn't wearing pants, and I could see his underwear (and catheter drip line). B) I am not a medical doctor.

I laughingly explained, "I am not a medical doctor but a psychologist, so no I wouldn't stay in the room for any procedures, but if you had a big feeling about changing the catheter we could talk." All she said was, "Oh, you're not a medical doctor (with a sneer). Why would I have a big feeling about a catheter (said with another sneer)?" I said, "well you'd be amazed at how fast big feelings can come up." Like making jokes about death with your dying grandfather.

Check Out These Funny Baby Clothes. Seriously. They Make Me Want to Get Pregnant Just To Put Them On My Registry

I am digging these baby and toddler clothes. My favorites are:
I totally picture Supermommy's kids in this.

And...
Again this reminds me of Supermommy's boy, especially as he is about to begin preschool.

I spent about 30 minutes at this site yesterday, picking out clothes for all the wee ones I know. I also spent time imagining my beautiful pretend babies looking fab (as all my pretend babies do) as we hang with my pretend husband, James McAvoy (possibly having a pint somewhere in in the UK or Ireland.) I have nothing if not an active imagination.

The best part of my desktop shopping is that I found out you can get a free shirt for reviewing the site. As if that wasn't enough, the owner checked out my site and wasn't afraid of the lack of comments on my posts (especially since I told her that most of my readers just call me or send me an email after reading). She also said I was funnym which means she's totally become my new bff. So please check this site out because it comes from my bff (who just happens to make cool clothes).

"If the president is so serious about the war on terror, why doesn't he hunt down and capture Barack Obama before he strikes again?"-Jenna, 30 Rock

I went with Supermommy to the party on Saturday, and there's no easy way to say this, but she is an awful date. I mean I get she has 2 kids under the age of 4, but she also came with someone. All I am saying is that would have been nice if she had remembered that fact before she was home (and wondering about the car parked in her driveway). Luckily, it gave me a chance to talk politics with my dad and his gf on the ride back to my car. During the car ride we discussed universal health care and Hilary. I think we were both happy to reach my car and say goodbye.

We had already spoke of the upcoming elections earlier at the party when my dad announced he was pretty sure he was voting for Osama. That shocker made me spit my drink out so I could ask, "Don't you mean Obama?" Then he gave me the whatever look. He whatevered saying Osama instead of Obama. God help us all come election time.

I also overheard the b-day girl comment on the dessert choices. There are times when I want to be ignorant, and having my aunt compare her ice-cream to the big-O means I find my happy place. It was good ice-cream though (home made cookies and cream and the maker was generous with the oreos).

And last but not least I wore a new shirt to the party. I liked the color but thought it might make me look preggo (because it was was high waisted and loose, and I really have no waist). I will be damned if someone didn't keep looking at my stomach as we talked. And he kept asking how I was doing (as he looked at my stomach). Yeah, like I was going to freaking announce I was 9 months pregnant and oops my water broke. I wanted to be a bitch and maybe start sobbing about the horrors of facing impending single motherhood (and could he be so kind as to take me to the hospital and be my coach). Instead I walked away swearing to take the damn shirt back. Macy's might have taken it back too, if in the next instant I hadn't spilled a scoop of ranch dip on it. In trying to clean it off I just managed to spread the stain across my chest- then it just looked like I was pregnant and leaking. Swell. Now I will just look pregnant at my new job (because even though it is unflattering I won't waste the money). I like starting gossip my first week of work anyhow.

Unrelated to the party, a friend of mine (who is only 2 months older than my spry 28 years) called me Friday to tell me she is dating a 61 year old man, and she really likes him. As in he makes her heart happy, and when she is with him the age difference disappears. I have a tendency to get over-involved in my friends lives and I worry too much. So I made a vow a few months ago to just go with the flow and accept. When she told me this I just asked her to take a picture of him (so I could stop the image of her dating Santa or my dying grandpa). I have also had nightmares the last couple of nights in which I am being stalked by old homeless men (who have always been attracted to me), and I have to find a (young) strong protector. I don't need Freud to tell me that this latest news is freaking the hell out of me. But it is her life and I will try to work through my freak-out. It helps that I have a strong happy place (full of cookies and cream ice-cream).

The Treasure Of You

Tonight I will be celebrating the birthday of my aunt, whom I consider to be my second mother (and all around instigator). She has an amazing laugh and a tremendous heart. She will never know how much I love her and how grateful I am that she is in my life.

She is someone who I think really helped me make it through adolescence. Growing up I was as awkward as any teenager could be, and my mom wasn't able to help (mostly because our relationship was a major cause of my angst). I would spend every other weekend with my dad, and no way in hell was I going to confide my drama to him. I can remember going over to my aunt's house, to spend time with Supermommy (no doubt to talk about boys), and being so excited to talk to my aunt. No matter how silly or ridiculous she would listen, and she always said just the right thing. Sometimes I would just sit in her living room as the family went about their normal lives. My family was so screwed up, that it was in those simple moments I could see what a happy family could be like. Even in the times that her kids screwed up, or there was a fight, I was able to see a positive resolution. I was also able to see the love she and my uncle have for one another, and how wonderful a marriage can be.

So thank you from the bottom of my heart. For being there when I was 13 and confused. When I was 18, feeling lost and lonely my first year of college and far from home. During my first counseling job when I felt overwhelmed by all the pain I faced. For every laugh and every happy moment (like synchronized cake cutting during last weeks cake wars, and making me laugh during church). Thanks especially for allowing me to just sit with you for awhile. Know that when I am a mommy, my kids will be blessed because you are my role model. Love love.

Because I Have Juvenile Humor...

I like seeing silly teenage movies. I really want to see SuperBad. Anyone want to go with me?

I Heart The Beach


My last day of work came with more fan fare than I expected. I actually got presents and was taken to lunch. One if my gifts was a beer stein that has my name and degree on it. I guess it's so everyone will know I am a smart drunk. I really enjoyed working with most of the staff this year (the one exception being I really did not like working with the other intern). Thankfully she left a week before I did, so my last week of work was relatively peaceful. I was able to impart my wisdom on the new interns (don't be a jerk and don't be demanding) and say goodbye to everyone who made my year so fun and challenging.

I was really excited to leave work on Thursday because I was heading straight to the coast. I packed up all my books and office knick knacks and drove for 4 hours.

I spent 2 days lying by the pool and hanging out with my family. It was totally chill and exactly what I needed. My aunt celebrated her birthday on Saturday night, and in honor we baked two cakes. This is where the weekend turned a little tense. The cake decorators were 2 cousins, one who is 5, and one who is older. The 5 year old spent the entire time trying to direct the decorating, and finally Reba (the older one) lost it. For the entire dinner Reba kept mumbling that she still liked her cousin in between bites of chili and rice. I was sitting next to her, and there was nothing I could do but let her work through it. I was also trying not to laugh and alert the entire table to the fact that she was so pissed off. And because there was such a war with the cakes, everyone had to have a slice of each, and they had to be cut at exactly the same time. Both cakes were delish if you were wondering, but Reba's was my fav (I'm a chocolate fan).

One aunt become obsessed with One Tree Hill. She stayed up for several nights trying to watch as many episodes as possible. I finally got to talk with her Saturday night when she finished the bulk of the episodes. The only thing she really wanted to talk about though were the characters of OTH. Her daughter told her she was addicted, and she laughed and said "Well Duh!"

I also have been trying to be more active, so each day I swam laps. My 5 y.o. cousin swam along with me, and told me that she wanted to be as strong as I am. I told her that she sees with the eyes of god and she saw my true self.

Saturday night my entire family went to church and I got the giggles while I was there. I was sitting next to an aunt I will refer to as the instigator. It all began when we saw a woman begin picking at the ear of the gentleman next to her. It was actually really creepy and I kept waiting for her to eat the lice she found. I was really creeped because I couldn't tell if this was a daughter and a father or a husband and a wife. All I could do was look away and think happy thoughts. During the homily the priest went on and on about giving, and then there were 2 collection plates, so the instigator began singing about everyone being too cheap (in a high church voice). I pretty much spent the entire service trying not to laugh out loud.

We came home on Sunday, and I have been spending my first week reading, and watching soaps (pretty much what I thought would be happening). I did see the Bourne Ultimatum and I was very impressed. Next on my list are the movies Star Dust and No Reservations. I really also want to go back to the coast, but we will see.

It Gets A Little Easier With Every Dinner

I once again was the third wheel on my dad's date. Last time it bothered me, but last night I was okay with it. And then I began to worry about being okay with it. I couldn't say no to dinner though. They were going to a really good restaurant, and I really didn't want to cook. I mean c'mon it was steak kabobs and grilled asparagus and I would have had cereal at home.

I have one more week of work and then I have 3 weeks of vacation. 3 glorious weeks of sleeping in and watching lousy daytime TV. Any vacation suggestions are welcome (especially for books and movies). One possible vacation idea is a road trip with my mother to the coast. Since we are on g-pa watch I don't know if that will happen (he's still alive if you were wondering). While I can't promise a road trip with my mom to be the best time I have ever had, it would be bloggable.