How I Spent My Christmas Vacation....

So far I have been sick. As if having a cold wasn't enough, I developed an infection and was in urgent care at 7 am this morning. Needless to say my vacation has been a vast wasteland of Kleenex and empty emergenC packets. And now my regimen involves antibiotics. Antibiotics that make me gag everytime I have to take one (twice a day). I never thought I would say this but I can't wait to go back to work.

As for Christmas, I am happy to say it was nice. Aside from the fact that I lost my voice due to all the talking (I'm telling you this entire vacation has revolved around sickness). I got some random presents (like a girls size hat, glove and scarf set from my grandma) but overall most of the presents were useful and cool. My dad got me the antiaging set from Arbonne. Which is something I totally wanted, but would have never bought on my own. From my mom I got a ton of movie tickets (which I totally love but haven't been able to use yet) and a ton of socks (which I have used). Everyone seemed to love the presents I got them, even though I got the wrong size shoes for my mom. Dammit Janet.

Yesterday, before I realized I had the infection, I felt well enough to get my flat tire fixed. I called AAA and someone came out really fast, and put my spare on in 10 minutes tops. I broke a vow and went to Walmart to get the flat fixed. I haven't stepped foot in Walmart in about 2 years, but the previous owner of my car had a lifetime warranty on the tires. That was too good of a deal. When I got to Walmart the tire guy was nice until he said that all the warranty covered was fixing the flat, not putting it back on my car. For them to actually put it back on I would have had to drive it in flat. What the hell. I asked him what I was supposed to do. He told me to have my husband put the tire back on. While I was flattered he thought anyone would marry me the way I looked (real sexy with a runny red nose and unwashed hair), I had to tell him there was no man in my life. Nothing makes you feel like gold then admitting that to the walmart tire guy while your nose is running. He told me he would talk to his manager and to come back in 2 hours. I came back and the nice tire guy told me that they would put the tire back on. I just needed to leave my car with them for 30 minutes. At this point I am beginning to realize I am sicker than just a cold, and entering Walmart was probably not the wisest move I could make. And I probably shouldn't have used their restroom either (but at least it made me remember why I made the vow in the first place). 30 minutes later I walk back to express tire and lube (finding nothing express about waiting for 2.5 hours to get a flat fixed and placed back on my car). The nice tire guy tells me my car is done, and so I walk to it. The first thing I notice is the tire is not right. I asked someone where my hubcap was, and he looked at me and said, "That tire didn't come with a hubcap". Well then I asked him where my spare was, and it was at that point I realized they had taken the spare off and then put it right back on. Nice. Then it took 4 men to find my tire and then another 15 minutes to put the right tire on. 3 hours later I made my way home. Thanks Walmart.


For some reason I am actually looking forward to New Year's. I like to think I will be better by then, but heaven knows what else will happen to me.

How To Tell You're On The Naughty List...

As if it is not enough to be sick on Christmas I also have a flat tire. Thanks Santa. I think it's safe to say my name is not on the nice list this year. So while I am waiting for my mom to pick me up so I can spend Christmas Eve with her and my grandma I thought I would offer a story of love this Christmas season.

As told to me by Supermommy:

All her toddler wanted from Santa was a present wrapped in green paper. Doesn't matter what the present is, all he wanted was for it to be wrapped in green paper. In the Supermommy household there was lots of red and silver wrapping paper, but nary a green roll to be found. So she did what any loving mother would do and when her darling child was asleep ran to the store to get green wrapping paper. Did I mention it was also raining like crazy outside? I really hope he likes his present wrapped in green paper tomorrow. Supermommy also told me that her toddler was only getting one present from Santa at their house, since our grandmother goes crazy with the presents at Christmas. Since her baby is only 7 months old she also mentioned not getting her anything, but she wondered what her toddler would think. I told her that she should say the baby was naughty this year, so Santa didn't bring her anything. It's becoming clear how I made the naughty list!

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday!

The Ghost of Christmas Past


As a child I was sick a lot during the holidays. Christmas, Easter, my birthday, you name it. Horrifically sick at that. I would have to stay in my room and not get to go to my grandparents house and get presents from Santa (my parents would bring them to my room). It sucked big time. Even in undergrad I would get sick every winter after finals. I attribute all this to stress and excitement. Well today was the beginning of my week off work, and as I was doing some last minute shopping I began sneezing. I am not usually a person who sneezes, so I now this is the beginning of my holiday cold. As I wrap the presents I bought today, I will drink from my Airborne and orange juice. Sweet healing nectar. I just hope I feel good enough to finish shopping tomorrow. One more store and I am done shopping. Yeah! Too bad the store I need to go to is in the mall. Dangit.

Would You Rather Dress Like An Elf For The Rest Of Your Life Or Have A Glowing Red Nose

Just when I think I am done Christmas shopping, I found out I need to find presents for 5 more people. Which means I will be braving the mall tomorrow. Hopefully I will wake up early enough to get there before it is busy, but I am really not a wake up early kind of gal. So far the weather is sunny, and it is just beginning to get cold (as in 50 degrees cold, not like snowed in cold). I am trying to keep up with the wrapping, and right now my living room looks like a roll of wrapping paper gave birth to small frayed ribbon pieces.

So far the best gift I have given has been the book Would You Rather. I used to play this game with friends in college, but I never knew there was a book of disgusting and funny ideas. I bought it for a friend of mine who is taking a road trip for the holidays. I had it at work with me and made everyone play at lunch.

And the same friend gave me the 2007 Anne Taintor Calender which is awesome. I already have it up in my kitchen. I have 6 more hours of work and then I am off for one week (which is like a Christmas miracle to me).

I hope everyone has a happy whatever they celebrate. I can't wait to post about my crazy holiday.

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Cracking My Sweet Nuts...


Last night I went walking with Supermommy and her family down a neighborhood that was uber decorated for Christmas. In my group there were two preschoolers in a red wagon, one baby in a stroller and one in a baby carrier. I had no kids, as I am prone to falling. I did manage not to lose my party, and that felt like an accomplishment for me.

My evening started out by visiting my grandmother (she was nice enough to let us park at her house). I walked in as she was watching the Catholic channel, specifically a show called, "Sunday Night Live." A show similar to "Saturday Night Live" but without the funny skits, famous guest hosts, and it's hosted by two monks. Pretty much the same show. Anyway the shows topic was marriage. Being a single gal, walking in to this scene was like entering the perfect storm. I was grilled about my thoughts on marriage like I was on trial. She eventually decided I was a hopeless case when I told her I believe in prenups. It was a funny conversation and I am glad to know that my radical ideas on marriage will keep her spotlight off me (grin). Thanks be we never talked about post nups (totally a fan).

The walk was great. I only got kicked by one child (twice, and not even family). I also didn't fall or trip, and my knee only gave out once so it was a fabulous walk. At one point I even did a throw up check of the baby in the carrier, and I am glad to report there was no vomit. The kids were funny too. In the red wagon there were two boys one 4ish the other 2.5 y.o. The younger one has a propensity to hit when angered (as kids his age are apt to do), but every so often I would catch the older one goading him on. At one point he was taunting the younger one by saying "You've been naughty" over and over. I had to laugh, because that's the phrase that strikes fear in the heart of every child in my family this time of year.

We also met the first mean Santa I have ever seen. He was not at all child friendly, and talk about the wrong career to have when kids piss you off. One kid asked Santa if he knew what his name was and Santa looked at him and said "Trouble maker." He would shake hands with the kids and then yell at them to move away. I am still laughing about this.

I was also told my Supermommy's husband (we'll call him Ponch) that I was like a Nut Cracker. I didn't make the leap in caring, listening, empathetic to Nut Cracker. Unless he meant to imply the mind is the nut, then I totally get it. And telling him I prefer the term ball buster over nut cracker seems now inappropriate and wrong. The title of this post is actually what Ponch said to me at one point.

It would have been the perfect holiday event, if I hadn't yelled at a driver in front of me on my way to the event. I called him a "fucking good Samaritan." He was really was a jerk driver letting people in, while I waited in one spot for 15 minutes. The drive home was also a beast. I hate holiday traffic.

I am also happy to report that I did a big chunk of holiday shopping today at work. I went on etsy and found some great things for friends and family. I think I am almost done shopping. It's great having a slow week at work. Here's hoping the presents get here before the 25th or we will be celebrating the 12 days of Christmas (and I am pretty sure I won't find partridges and lords a leaping on etsy).

The Upside of Anger


In general I am a social cleaner only (as in I only clean when I know for a fact people are coming over.) The only exception to this rule is I clean when angry. The madder I am correlates to the amount of things I will clean. Last night I cleaned out 2 closets, cleaned off my dining room table, and straightened the living room (sort of). I would have done more, but at that point it was midnight and I didn't want to wake my neighbors. It is totally a cathartic experience to get rid of crap. I think I threw away 4 garbage bags full of stuff that either didn't work, or I didn't want in the first place. I still have more to do, and I really hope therapy tonight isn't a buzz kill on my anger, or my bedroom (and everything but the dining room) will never get organized. So what is your upside of anger?

Would You Like Butt Hairs With Those Skin Peels?


I had to go to my father's house yesterday and pick up a check. He had just come from a crazy dinner, and I was guessing he would need to be talked down. Sure enough I was there for 3 hours. So much for going to bed early. While I was there he said several things that grossed me out but here are the top three:

1) He has a friend who owns a restaurant and he has mentioned that she is not the cleanest person and it can gross him out. She was burned by grease about 2 months ago and is still healing from the burns. Apparently the burn on her head can itch her (which is normal for burns I think), but she will pick at it while she is cooking. Now several people have mentioned to her that this is gross, but she keeps doing it. According to my dad she likes freaking people out (either that or she likes visits from health inspectors).

2) Same lady: My dad walked in recently to have lunch and they were talking as she was making it. As she is talking she puts her hand in the back of her pants, scratches her ass, and then continues cooking. I was all but throwing up in my mouth as he told the story so I didn't get to ask if he ate the meal or not...

3) I guess payback's a bitch. When I got back from the coast I made fun of my dad for freaking out when I talked about having kids. I will make fun no longer. He told me that his massage therapist asked him on a date. He told her that he thought he was older than her father, and she said yup, but age is only a hang up in your mind. He agreed that it freaked him out, but he didn't want to hurt her feelings. So my father tried to make it more of a group date (with other therapists in the practice), and he agreed to take them to dinner. She is 2 years younger than me. 2 years. And my dad is 5 years older than her father. I get that this is not a serious date, but nonetheless, it's freaking me out.

Since last night I have been searching for my happy place, but apparently there is no place safe from thoughts of skin and butt in my food.

I wish the Wiseman would bring me coffee...


When I was on the coast and playing with the buddha baby my biological clock began making noises. It was a faint hum to the tune of "this could be nice." I almost gave my father a heart attack when I said it out loud. His eyes got big and all he could do was shake his head and repeat, "you are never having kids." The man is in for a shock one day, but not anytime soon.

Yesterday I baby sat a 2.5 year old and a 6 month old, and well, they kicked my ass. Both of them were great (aside from the fact that the baby was very mad that I was there and not mommy), we played, we baked Christmas cookies, and we even read stories. I also learned that Cranky the crane is a wonderful thing, and that one of the wiseman got down on one knee and said to the baby Jesus "Happy Birthday Baby Jesus I brought you Coffee." I love the fact that I live so close to my cousin that I can babysit, because she has a wonderful family, but my gosh I was exhausted after 4 hours. The other times I babysat the baby was asleep, so I only had to entertain the older child. I woke up today and my arms were sore (totally counting it as a workout), there was soggy cheezeits and baby stuff on my pants.

Supermommy (which is my new name for my cousin) is a champ for everything she does everyday. We laughed when she got home because at one point I had both kids in my lap, holding on to both and the bottle I was feeding the baby was tucked under my chin. She was working yesterday and when she got home she even made dinner. I felt like an exhausted jackass for not thinking of dinner. But I could barely remember my own name by 7pm.

So this one is for Supermommy. You are amazing, your kids are wonderful, and thanks for the fabulous dinner. You rock. Happy (early) Birthday!!!