Just Suck It Up

2011-05-23T21:52:00.000-07:00

It's okay to be gay....

Where ever you are in the world (even if it's Tennesee), it's okay to be gay.

You are a beautiful child of God no matter your sexuality. It's okay to be gay.

No matter what ignorant people say (or don't say) about you or the ones you love, it's okay to be gay.

One day I hope their hearts will soften, and they will no longer be afraid. But even if they never change, it's okay to be gay.

And if you live in Tennesee and cannot say gay, then remember, it's okay to be Takei.

2011-05-18T22:47:00.000-07:00

Another day of learning new things about myself...

The good:
*I can make an incredible sugar scrub that smells like macaroons. I like smelling like cookies.

*I can force myself to stay awake at work while drugged out on muscle relaxers and ibuprofen.

*I have sweet coworkers who will drive me to Sonic because I took said medications. Diet Dr. pepper with diet cherry flavoring is my fave.

*I have lost 9 lbs going low fat/no carb.

*I found a low fat sugar free ice cream. And I did not eat the whole thing in one sitting.

*My pretty new luggage should be arriving tomorrow.

The challenging:
*I cannot actually work while drugged out on muscle relaxers and ibuprofen. I just shuffle papers around and try not to slump over at my desk drooling. I sent emails out to people and tomorrow I will recheck them to see if they made sense.

*I have 6 weeks until I go on a Caribbean vacation and my body is still pasty, my arms are still jiggly like a lunch lady, and my tummy still looks like I should have interesting birthing stories. And I can't really do anything about my arms or tummy because I pulled a muscle in my neck and shoulder area this weekend. Hence my current medication regime.

*No matter how old I get or how drugged I am, it is hard to let go of negative things people say about me.

*I cannot cook a steak medium rare. But if you want a tough, chewy overly well done steak, then call me and I will share my secrets.

2011-05-15T19:32:00.001-07:00

Ebates is offering cash back for referrals until the end of the month...

I shop through this and have already earned cash back. And through the end of the month, if you join, and then refer people you get $5.00 for every new referral.

2011-05-05T22:41:00.001-07:00

It gets easier right?

I didn't really acknowledge Mother's Day last year. The day felt like a blur to me. This year I felt better so I decided to send Mother's Day cards to all the amazing moms I know. As I started writing the first card I burst into tears. Not even pretty tears either. I cried the ugly tears I cry when I see a Folgers commercial during that time of the month (in my defense those families are just so damn happy to get a cup of coffee). My weekend is packed full of moms and Mother's Day activities. On Monday I was excited to get to participate in so many activities, but now I think this is gonna hurt a little. Sigh.

2011-04-29T23:00:00.000-07:00

"Afraid what you're gonna do, in this phase you're going through." Chosen One by One Eskimo

I spent the evening with a friend's 16 year old daughter. She sees her dads every other weekend, and while visiting I am her lifeline to the female perspective (because of the gay dads). She is also someone who could be my daughter. She's a little awkward, overweight, and she overcompensates by being everything to everyone. Sometimes it's like watching a train wreck. Sometimes it's like talking to the girl I was.

And tonight she was 16, feeling less than other girls, and sad not to have the boy she wanted.

For her and (for myself) I said this:

Your life now will not always be the same. Things will change and hopefully for the better. The very act of change will make some things better.
You deserved to be valued, appreciated, and loved.
You should not speak poorly of yourself. People will make comments your whole life about how you can be better. Ignore that and honor all that is good in you. You do not have the right to hurt your momma's baby girl.
You will one day find a boy (or man) who sees you as you are and loves every darn thing about you.
Take care of your skin.
Boys will do and say dumb things as long as you live.
I am so proud of the person you are.

I remember being 16 and feeling less than everyone else. No one said I would be 32 still struggling. Sigh.

2011-04-29T01:51:00.000-07:00

"I don't wanna be a doctor! I want to be a princess!" ---My sobbing niece at 4 years old

True story: When my niece was 4 a very nice lady told her: "I hope you become a doctor someday." This is apparently a blessing Arab women bestow on children. My niece was having none of that. She burst into tears, and the above was her reply. When my sis told me I burst out laughing because there are times I would much rather be a princess than a doctor.

I did not think I would get caught up in the royal wedding drama. All week long I have been watching snippets on the news, but not really caring about it either way. Then tonight I couldn't sleep. I honestly felt like I was missing something if I tried to sleep. Part of this is due to the fact that I am a wedding whore. I love weddings. Every thing about them is fun to me. Except the tanning some brides do (side note: I am on week 2 of the summer tan-a-thon and barely kept myself from running topless from my coffin a few days ago, But I lasted 9 minutes this time so there's hope I won't be blindingly pale for vacation). I just love the pomp and circumstance and the tradition.

Did I also mention I love to read romance novels?

Apparently these two parts of my personality have created the perfect storm. I am sitting here at 2am anxiously awaiting the wedding. It is a fairy tale that someone can wake up a "commoner" and by lunch be a princess. I am pretty sure this will give my niece hope that she won't have to become a doctor to be successful. I keep thinking of my niece tonight, and the thought of how different life would be as a princess. Somethings may be easier or fun, but even if I was promised a 65 million dollar wedding (apparently how much Charles and Camilla paid) I don't think I could do it. I love my privacy, and I think it should be okay to punch someone trying to take a pic of my underwear as I leave a car. But if there are any Dukes out there looking for a good time I am pretty sure I could be a Duchess.

I hope Kate and Wills are happy. I hope that they are able to lead a life full of joy and love. I hope that I don't fall asleep at work tomorrow.

2011-04-14T22:43:00.000-07:00

The things you learn about yourself...

Tonight was the first time I have ever used a tanning bed, and in some ways it was the longest 7 minutes of my life. I was told it would be warm and relaxing. From the moment I put the lid down and the eye goggles on I had to tell myself I was not in an oven coffin. I am not usually a claustrophobic person so this was something new I learned about me (yay for that moment of self awareness). I took deep breathes, I repeatedly told myself I was safe, and I focused on not screaming for help or ripping the goggles from my eyes. Thankfully all my psych tricks worked, and the timer went off smoothly.

The whole reason to enter the death trap is for an upcoming vacation to the Caribbean. My poor body doesn't see a lot of sun naturally, so I have to prepare to spend a week at a beach.

I have to go back 9 times. I am hoping the deep breathing gets easier. And I hope I don't come away looking Snooki-ish.

What did you learn about yourself today?

2011-02-20T00:00:00.000-08:00

The cost of being free

I just read an article that the government is trying to eliminate 90% of Planned Parenthood's funding. I was in college for 10 years and during 6 of those years I had no insurance. Planned Parenthood was the place I went when I needed lady care. I am the first to admit that government overspends on bogus things. But this feels ugly. Feel what ever you want about abortions, but they are legal. Taking almost the entire budget of PP won't make them go away, in part because federal funding does not pay for them, unless they are the victim of incest or rape. But don't take money away from clinics that help people. All this is going to do is make life harder and scarier for people who lack the resources that all the Senators and Representatives take for granted. I had a health scare when I was in graduate school and PP was the only place I could afford. The staff was so nice, and I felt safe there. I hope someone in the government vetos this horrible idea. I am doubtful that anyone in government cares about anyone not considered tea party material. I Stand With Planned Parenthood.

2011-01-08T00:27:00.001-08:00

The Whole Pie

For the last two weeks I have had pain in my shoulder, back and left rib cage. It came on slowly and at first I attributed it to many things. The one thing I refused to think was heart attack.

So of course I kept thinking it.

When the pain only got worse this week I put on my big girl panties and made a doctor's appointment. I hate going to the doctor. And I tried not to think heart attack.

So every moment I thought my heart was going to give out. Not a cool week for me to be living alone.

I admit I am a worst case scenario gal at my best. Constantly hoping this wasn't a heart attack only made it worse.

All day long I half thought my doctor visit would end with open heart surgery. Did I mention I go to bad places when I worry?

I talked with many people who have felt what I am feeling. No one was diagnosed with a heart attack so I began to calm down a bit.

My doctor's visit went fine. I have chest inflammation, and my doctor is having me tested for arthritis and Lupus. I absolutely do not want either of those things, but my visit didn't end with surgery so I am happy.

As I was in line waiting for my meds at the pharmacy I began to talk to the lady ahead of me. We were both frustrated by the long line and lack of pharmacists. She was eager to get her meds. "Me too." I said with a smile. And then I told her my diagnosis.

Then she told me she was picking up meds for her husband. He was too sick to wait in the line. In a smaller voice she said, "It's cancer."

And once again I realized that I was fortunate.

I asked what kind and she said melanoma that spread to his lungs and his brain. He has already lived 5 weeks over the doctor's estimate, but the pressure in his brain is getting worse. She is picking up his last round of pain meds. She got teary.

And I tried not to cry too. Damn being a social crier.

I thought of life being a series of blessings and curses. How blessed was he to live as long as he has, but there is pain in knowing that his time will never feel long enough.

And then she talked about the meds that she was picking up for him. One was a steroid that was going to relieve all the pain in his head. He was concerned about taking steroids and told his doctor.

To which his wife replied, "Now's the time that you get to eat the whole pie Larry if you want to." We both chuckled about a dying man being worried about steroids.

My pain is a little better now that I have meds, but I can't get Larry and his wife out of my mind.

My wish is that his last days are spent surrounded by all that he loves. May she have the strength and grace to help him through. I hope they both eat pie.

2011-01-02T20:53:00.000-08:00

Goals for the new year....

In many ways 2010 was all about reflections and remembrance. At times it felt like every breath I took was a reminder of all that I lost in 2009. Thoughts of my mother, and my own regrets in being her daughter, have been my constants. As time marched on some regrets have dimmed, but many remain. My goal for 2011 is to honor myself and remember my goodness. Last week I heard this song from Pink, and it has become my theme song. Enjoy! Oh, and FYI, the song has f bombs galore!

2010-09-12T23:30:00.000-07:00

As the year of firsts draws to it's end....

I burst into tears while driving to my friends house for dinner on Friday. Thankfully it wasn't ugly crying, as I am easily prone to that. I was sitting in the car listening to my ipod, not thinking of anything, and then it hit me. A year ago that day was the last time I ever hugged my mom or saw her alive. And out came the tears. It has been awhile since I have cried in my car, and the funny thing is that most of my grieving this year has been done in my car. Someone told me that was her experience too after her mom died.

I have been so concerned with getting through the 14th (the day she possibly died) and the 17th (the day she was found) that the 10th creeped up on me.

They say the first year is the hardest. It has been true for me. I have felt a sense of loss at every change in season, and every event she is no longer here for. I am still shocked that she has been gone for a year.

I have a feeling this week is going to be painful.

2010-08-26T22:46:00.000-07:00

Reflections on a Steel Magnolia....

It has been a year since my grandmother passed away. Two weeks later my mother died, and I was so overwhelmed with that loss that I don't know if I ever properly mourned my grandma. Really is there a proper way to mourn? All I know is she has been on my mind for a while.

I miss her weird mix of optimism and bitterness. Life was tough for her from the moment she was born until the day she died. She was born the oldest daughter in a poor family. She began working in the fields picking produce at the age when children today enter kindergarten. Until the day she died she refused to eat figs because of a job she had picking them as a child. She grew up with a mother who had mental health issues and drug addictions and because of the lack of resources there was no respite from her madness. What little I know about her relationship with her mother, it was not filled with many happy memories. I wonder if those experiences were preparing her to have a child with severe mental health issues.

She became pregnant with my mom when she was a sophomore in high school. She was kicked out of school and forced to marry my biological grandfather. There is only one picture of her pregnant and I have never seen a more miserable looking person. Aside from being forced to marry someone she didn't love, being kicked out of high school which had been a place she felt competent and happy, broke her heart.

She would have 4 children with my biological grandfather. It was a turbulent marriage, and she was forced to give her youngest daughter up for adoption because my grandfather was convinced she was cheating on him. She never spoke of this child, but somehow the adoptive mother contacted my uncle several years ago seeking health information. She never said her name or her daughter's name, but listed my grandma and her husband as the biological parents. Amazingly, my mom who could word vomit with the best of them never mentioned her sister to my grandma. I can't even imagine how she felt knowing a piece of her heart was lost to her.

Eventually she divorced her husband and did what ever she could to survive. She worked the night shift as a waitress (she wasn't allowed to be a bartender because she was a woman) and had a day job too. She used to carry a gun in her purse because she worked in bad neighborhoods. She accepted any and all charity and she credited different churches in my city for helping keep her children fed and clothed when times were tough.

She loved her family and she loved her children, but I don't think she knew how to parent my uncle. I think she saw too much of her husband in him, and so as a teenager he moved out of the house. Their relationship would always be filled with long periods of separation.

Around the time my mother was 10 she met the man who would become my grandpa. They married and for many years I thought they were happy. It's funny how little you know as a child. My grandma was very good at keep up appearances.

When I was 12 my grandma got sick and developed pneumonia. My grandfather left her while she was still in the hospital. It was years before I would even talk to him after that. Eventually I forgave him, but I never forgot how easy it was for him to leave. The funny thing was, I think my grandma was much happier without being married to him. For years he would come over to our house and just have coffee with her, and I think that was all she needed in that relationship. Life taught her to have low expectations.

When she got out of the hospital she moved in with my mom, my brother, and me. It was both the agony and the ecstasy. She did so much for me that I will never be able to repay. She was also an ally when my mom got really sick. I am ashamed to say that I put a lot on her shoulders because of how overwhelmed my mom made me feel.

She lived with my mom for 17 years. She took care of my mom and tried her best to make her better. When my grandma was at her sickest she refused to leave her home because my mom needed someone to take care of her.

She was an amazing cook, gardener, and pianist. She was never classically trained but she always knew she could play the piano. When she was 40 she bought a piano and low and behold she could play it.

She was fiercely independent and hated throwing away her belongings. When she was a child her mother would randomly throw out her clothes and belongings, and she never got over feeling so powerless and dependent on people.

I was her favorite. I say this knowing it was a blessing and a curse. She would treat me nicer than other family members and especially nicer than my brother. Life taught her that men were not to be trusted. Within my family I was both ignored on my father's side, and the golden child on my mother's. Neither is an enviable position.

My grandma loved holidays and celebrations. She loved giving gifts and would spend months finding the right presents for everyone. I got my love of presents and giving gifts from her. She hated receiving presents though. It made her uncomfortable to be the center of attention. On that we differ.

She taught me so much and more than anything I wish her life had been easier. I am so grateful for her love and support. She was so proud of my education and my career. I wish I had been able to support her more.

Tonight my best friend will be coming over for dinner. We will honor and celebrate my grandma by having all her favorite foods. I will remember the woman who worked so hard to support her family and who gave tirelessly of her talent and her love.

I will remember her always. And one day when I have grandchildren i will teach them to make meatballs, cookies, and to drink coffee while you watch soap operas. I will love them as she loved me. And I will treat them all as my favorites. Even the boys.

2010-08-16T19:47:00.000-07:00

"The right to marry, is the right of individuals, not of racial groups." - Judge Roger Traynor, California Judge overturning the interracial marriage ban in 1948.

In the last two weeks California has made news. First for overturning Prop 8 on August 5, 2010 (thumbs way up). Today the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals voted to put a stay on gay marriage until the Supreme Court rules (bummer). I hear this will happen quickly. Quickly being December. People are once again in an uproar at the thought of gay men and women having the right to marry. They speak of America losing it's morality. The horror that Americans may have their vote on this proposition overturned. It will destroy our moral fiber, our businesses and ruin our children. I decided to take a look back on America and their thoughts on keeping marriage safe.

In 1664 the first laws banning whites from marrying blacks came about in Mass.
In 1769 the courts ruled that during marriage, the wife's legal and physical rights were suspended and given to her husband.
In 1839 Mississippi allowed women to own property with their husband's permission.
in 1993 all 50 states finally recognized that when women are raped by their husbands it is still rape. The first time it was considered rape was in 1978.

Reading up on American History hasn't really sold me on the idea of marriage benefiting me as a woman. It was kind of like spending any time talking to my dad who is anti-marriage after being divorced for 20 years. Thanks be I was born in an age where I have rights, and am considered equal to my husband. Even typing that made me angry for the women who came before me.

Now for some famous quotes on thoughts of interracial marriage:

"Almighty God created the races, white, black, yellow, malay and red, and he placed them on separate continents. And but for the interference with his arrangement there would be no cause for such marriages. The fact that he separated the races shows that he did not intend for the races to mix." 1967 case of Loving v. Commonwealth of Virginia

"No brutality, no infamy, no degradation in all the years of southern slavery, possessed such villainious character and such atrocious qualities as the provision of the laws of Illinois, Massachusetts, and other states which allow the marriage of the negro, Jack Johnson, to a woman of Caucasian strain. [applause]. Gentleman, I offer this resolution ... that the States of the Union may have an opportunity to ratify it. ... Intermarriage between whites and blacks is repulsive and averse to every sentiment of pure American spirit. It is abhorrent and repugnant to the very principles of Saxon government. It is subversive of social peace. It is destructive of moral supremacy, and ultimately this slavery of white women to black beasts will bring this nation a conflict as fatal as ever reddened the soil of Virginia or crimsoned the mountain paths of Pennsylvania. ... Let us uproot and exterminate now this debasing, ultra-demoralizing, un-American and inhuman leprosy"
-Seaborn Roddenberry US Senator 1912

At some point in our American History it was illegal (and considered immoral and against God's will) for a white person to marry a Native American, African American, Hispanic, Asian, Hawaiian, Filipino, Indian, and anyone considered Non-White. In Arizona in 1942 a section of this law was added to prevent anyone with mixed blood from marrying at all. I am part Choctaw, so that would mean I would get to be spinster for life. It has only been in the last 43-60 years that these laws have been overturned.

I am both glad and saddened this decision is going to the Supreme Court. I have every faith that the court will rule in favor of gay marriage. I am sad that in 2010 we still need the courts to protect the civil rights of the minorities against the fear of the majority.

We have come far in our views of marriage, but I hope that when my children are grown and ready to marry, there won't be interracial marriage, gay marriage, or heterosexual marriage. Just marriage.

2010-08-04T22:45:00.000-07:00

Someday I will look back and laugh at the fears I had regarding being fired....

Or I will feel a sense of awe that I had a flash into the future. Today I feel like it could go either way. As I was sitting at work today, after a public shaming by my manager, I realized that I don't trust my own greatness. I am so afraid of failing, because I feel like I am not good enough. I seriously feel like I could be fired any time from my job. And I would not be surprised.

Part of my fear is due to the crappy HR dept. at my job. Several people (who were incompetent) were let go after taking time off. I have been sick with food poisoning for the last 5 days (missing 3 days of work) and I walk in to the clinical director wanting to talk to me. I walk in to his office at 9am and wonder if I will lose my job this morning. I felt a sense of panic, and I tried to remain calm, but inside I was planning on moving in with my dad, putting my stuff in storage, and becoming a janitor (probably at my job which would be the ultimate). At the meeting the director (who is one of my best friends) tells me I do not have enough sick time to have 3 days off, and if I submit a sick time request a red flag will be set off in HR. Awesome. So I make it work, but being sick for 3 days means I now have to go to work on the anniversary of my mom death and when her body was found. Double awesome.

All day long I have felt not good enough. The afternoon meeting in which the manager highlighted all the ways I file wrong didn't help. Having people tell me they need paperwork right away didn't help either. I stayed late (later than the janitor, so I guess that's something), did some paper work, but all the time I felt less than the others I work with.

I carried that feeling home with me tonight. In the back of my head I thought about what being unemployed would do to me. I felt fear, shame, and all these negative emotions. I let it define me for a minute.

But then I said fuck it. I am more than my job. I am more than my degree. I am more than this organization. If I lose my job tomorrow, then bully for them. I the best I can be, and for the people I work for this is enough. I help bring about change and healing and love. Today I am enough.

2010-07-28T23:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Sprint,

You suck ass. And not pretty ass either. You suck old dirty ass. Thanks for sending me to collections because I forgot to send you the death certificate when my mom died. Thanks for adding early termination charges when I cancelled the plan. Because my mom died. And the best part one yet, thanks for letting my mom use my social security number when she signed up for the plan, so I am responsible for the phone charges. I will never use Sprint products, I will also advise my friends and family to avoid your company like it is the black plague. You want the 361 dollars because you lost out when my mom died. I hope you choke on it.

Sincerely,
Lorelai

2009-11-18T21:30:00.000-08:00

I get that I am a freak. Please stop making me say it.

Tonight I decided to treat myself to getting my eyebrows threaded and a pedicure. Really I have a to attend a wedding in a few days, and I don't want to look like Joan Crawford a la later years. I avoid threading as long as possible (because I was hate pain), but I was starting to look like my eyebrows had eyebrows. I even put numbing cream on my eyebrows to make it hurt less (which I don't think works, or I am just really a wimp). So when I went in tonight and shamefully said, "It's been a couple of months, please be gentle." She was as gentle as possible, but she kept going on and on about how my eyebrows were uneven and I needed to stop plucking the left one. Over and over I said, this is natural. Finally I said, "Sorry my eyebrows are freakish, but this is as good as it gets." Once she finished she asked me one last time to stop plucking the left one. I told her I would.

2009-11-17T20:44:00.000-08:00

"Good news, your mother died of a heart attack."

I had a bad feeling when I answered the phone, and I should have listened to my inner voice. The caller was my mother's doctor called me and that is what the receptionist told me.

Just so we're clear, this is not good news. I get that you are excited this means your shady medical practices with my mom won't be called into question. But to call me happy is just gross.

2009-10-12T21:51:00.000-07:00

Of course you need a crowbar to open the urns. Makes total sense to me.

I had all these thoughts for how the scattering would go. I found prayers from all over the world, I cut flowers, and I even brought a small cup of Pepsi and coffee (my mom and grandma's favorite drinks). I hoped for something that was respectful and maybe even classy. Stanley went with me to pick up the bodies. They handed Stanley the urns and me the permits to scatter ashes. And away we went.

Lesson #1 ask the funeral people how to open the damn box.

Jump to me, Carl and Stanley freezing at 930 at night on the end of a pier trying to pry open the urns. Those things were closed like a Japanese puzzle box. Pulling, pushing, and a Swiss army knife did not work. Finally Carl remembered he had a crowbar in his car we used that to open them up. Lesson #2 buy a crow bar to keep in my car.

At one point this lovely couple came over to the end of the pier, no doubt to have a romantic moment. They glanced over at us trying to pry the box apart (Carl handling the crowbar and Stanley and I prying the lid back). The operation became klassy.

An hour after we arrived we finally opened all the urns. Due to wind factors we had to kneel on the end of the pier to let them go. In the first go around Stanley dumped grandma, and I took one of the dogs. I tried not to freak about the thought of kneeling in bird poop, as I poured out the dog. I was not good at pouring and some of the ash ended up on the edge of the pier. Without thinking I tried to sweep the ash off the edge with my shoe. Now my shoe has dead dog on it. Lesson #3 bring a broom the next time ashes need to be dumped.

At this point I am freaking out at the ash on my shoe, and make Carl finish scattering dog ashes. As Stanley begins to lower my mom I remember the flowers and the drinks and pour them off the pier. The cup I brought poured out in a way that looked like I was peeing off the edge of the pier. Which is how the night should have ended.

Towards the end of the whole blessed affair Carl asked me if I wanted to say a prayer or poem. I told him no, I didn't need to. At that point I just wanted to clean my shoe (which I did with both water and hand sanitizer), a drink (which Stanley thoughtfully brought), and to warm up. The next day we went out to the pier in the light of day. I wondered how far the ashes traveled, and then I looked down at a chalk like mark at the end of the pier and said hi to the dog.

I don't know how I was supposed to feel after this. Websites said I would feel all sorts of different things. They showed pictures of people looking happy to scatter their loved ones. I am grateful that I wasn't covered in ash, and I hope they are okay with the choice I made. And above all, I wished I did not have to do it.

2009-10-09T13:17:00.000-07:00

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move dead bodies.

I have been thinking of this quote all week as I think of two of my best friends, Carl and Stanley. Not only were they an amazing resource for me with all the craziness of funeral and reception planning, but they are the most helpful people I know. On the day my mom died my uncle told me that when my mom's ashes were ready to be picked up I could just pick up my grandmother's ashes too. Awe. Some.

From the beginning they have said that they will help me figure out how to scatter 4 sets of ashes (mom, grandma and two dogs). And let me tell you, yesterday I looked online for suggestions in making the scattering more respectful, and I came away more disturbed then ever. Through this whole process I have been overwhelmed, stressed, angry at unhelpful people, and absolutely blessed with all the good people in my life.

It's funny the things I have learned about myself through this process. One is that I am terrified that when I try to scatter their ashes I will then be covered in dead people/animals. And the second is that I am really freaked out about the thought of looking at my mom or grandma's ashes. When the time comes to scatter them I know I can count of Carl and Stanley to help me do whatever I need to. Even if that means making them dump them while I stand far far away.

Okay I really learned three things about myself. The third being I am very disrespectful of this entire process. When ever I talk about scattering the ashes I use the words "dump the bodies." I guess a career as a funeral director is not in my cards.

This week has been a whirwind of emotions, but I am always comforted by the support of my friends and family.

2009-10-07T22:51:00.000-07:00

I feel fine enough I guess. Considering every thing's a mess.

And here comes the crap. I knew everything was running too smoothly for my family. And I knew better than to trust my aunt's offer to help when her M.O. is to avoid stress. So I have entered the fuck it (aka anger) part of grief and I find that it is not in the loss of my mother but in the actions of her siblings. Today my uncle called me to tell me that the truck I thought belonged to my mother is legally his, and he doesn't want to ask for money, he just wants the rest of what ever amount my mother owed him. Which is asking for money in my book. I told him I needed to talk to my dad, and then he basically implied my father (who has until this point paid for most of my mother's funeral arrangements) could pay him what he thinks is fair. To mis-quote Mr. Heston, "over my cold dead body." My father has paid enough and if my uncle wants money he can sell the damn truck.

Tonight I went to see the Bare Naked Ladies Perform and when they sang "Pinch Me" I thought my mom. It's funny that things that now make me think of her.

2009-09-25T20:26:00.000-07:00

The art of loss...

About 14 days after my grandmother passed away my mother died. She died suddenly and at this time the cause is unknown. In a moment I went from stressed out at the thought of my mom living with me to numb at the thought of planning her funeral and packing away her life.

I have noticed a couple of things with this loss. One is that some people suck at offering condolences. My mother's doctor told me that my mother's spirit would come back to haunt me. My landlord told me to remove every picture from the walls for one year. The day her body was found the police chaplain told me not to feel guilt, because she was dead and there was nothing I could do about it. Not. Helpful.

The second thing I have noticed are the blessings that come from loss. I have gotten an outpouring of support from my family and friends, and this process has help me to learn how to ask and receive help. I will forever be grateful to those who have helped me. I am very blessed.

My mother and I were very different in many ways, but she loved me to the best of her ability and l loved her to the best of mine. I wish her life could have been easier and happier, but I find solace in knowing that she is in a better place. My mother will live on in all the acts of kindness she showed to those she loved. My mother was always so afraid of being insignificant, and this week has showed me, and hopefully her, how very much she was loved.

2009-08-29T21:20:00.000-07:00

"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus

On Wednesday evening my grandmother died. Some highlights of the last several days have been writing my grandmother's obituary. In her hospital room. While she was still alive. A few hours later I was once again in the hospital room trying not to look at her dead body (which I did see and now can't get out of my head), trying to comfort my family (while keeping my head out of the room so I wouldn't look again), and trying not to think about the future. When my mother held my hand in the hospital she commented that I was colder than my grandmother was. Today I felt chilled and wondered if I was still colder than dead.

At the funeral and the reception I felt numb. I sat near my mother because my job was to comfort her, but I seemed to forget how. I couldn't hug her with out feeling stiff, so I patted her leg quite ineffectively while she mourned her mother. At the luncheon to honor my grandmother I felt out of place, maybe because I have not yet mourned her. Towards the end of it I sat near my aunt as she explained to a group of women that my mother was going to move in with me. The table of women all turned to me and commented on how great that will be. One women said my mother must love the idea. "Yes." I said, "she loves it." That was the safest answer I could give.

In case this isn't stressful enough I have one week until my first licensure exam. And I woke up this morning with the beginnings of a sore throat. I am calling this week the trifecta o'crap.

My grandmother was an amazing cook, a giving woman, and I loved her tremendously. I am so grateful for the time we had and I am happy she is now at peace. Once I have taken my test I hope to be able to sit with my memories of her, and rejoice in the life she had.

Though it was 100 degrees where I live, the last few weeks have felt like the darkest nights of winter. As I was driving tonight I knew it was time to find my sun again.

2009-08-15T17:53:00.001-07:00

Breathe In. Breathe Out

I am pretty sure my grandmother is dying. Sorry about the blunt opening. Her heart is failing, she is now on oxygen and she doesn't seem to remember things so well. I will miss her when she goes, but my real anxiety comes with my mother. After visiting my grandma today, I realized how little time I have left before I am the caretaker of a 54 year old woman. Before I will ever be ready that's for sure. I thought I would have years. I thought i would own a house with a detached apt. I thought I would be ready for this. I am so anxious for myself and what my life will become. My mother expects me to save her somehow. Most days I am barely keeping myself a float, and I realized today how selfish I have become. I am not the more thoughtful daughter, and I love my independence. In the end what ever happens, happens. All I can do is be the best in the situation, and not let it get me too down. A song from Mat Kearney popped into my head and it has been my mantra tonight. A big part of me wants to wallow tonight, so instead I am going to work out, go out to dinner, and to the movies. I am going to live positively as much as I can. This is a bleak post I know, and I am imagining worst case scenarios with my future roommate. God knows, living my mom will definitely give me more to blog about.
Here are my favorite lyrics:
Look left
Look right
To the moon and the night
And everything under the stars is in your arms.

May your night be full of positive things. Or at least lots to blog about.

2009-06-09T20:53:00.000-07:00

Random Thoughts

Why is it that every time I work out I instantly want to bake afterwards? Damn self sabotage.

I don't watch American Idol, but today when I saw Yahoo news and the gay guy came out -My first thought was, "really, this is a surprise?" I guess it's good that he is honest from the start (coughClaycough)

Again with yahoo news (which has become my news source) there is a post about a dress that Megan Fox wore to the Seoul premiere of Transformers that is supposed to be really risque. It did not look that amazingly racy to me. Am I missing something?

Saturday I am getting cable for the first time in almost a decade. But I am only doing it because on Friday I am losing my television signal. Damn government. But so happy for hgtv. I anticipate Sunday will involve a lot of sitting on the couch.

Speaking of outdated, I am currently using a cell phone that is about 6 years old. It was my second cell phone and for some reason I held on to it (aka pack rat). My trendy flip phone broke a while ago and AT&T was less than helpful. So I pulled out old faithful. Saturday I was in Whole Foods and dropped it on the floor. It completely came apart, but when I reassembled it there was no problem. Say what you will about the croaking ring tone or the lack of blue tooth, this baby's a keeper.

That's all I got.

2009-06-01T12:19:00.000-07:00

Who Attended the Rally on Saturday...

A Rabbi who quoted the Torah

A Priest who offered hope and acceptance and the reminder that God loves all of his children.

A Baptist Minister who walked with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr from Selma to Montgomery, and who argued that this civil rights issue is as important as the issues of the 1960's were for African Americans.

An academy award winning screen writer who made me cry with his words of hope to the GLBT youth who are feeling abandoned by their families and communities. He cited the statistics of suicide in adolescent and young adults who are gay and it made my heart hurt.

An Emmy winning actor who spoke out to the people who voted yes on prop 8. The quote that stands out is "How does this issue hurt you?"

An academy award winning actress (okay so I missed her talk because I was trying to get water and my camera).

Activists from all over the country.

A singer who sang a chilling version of "Midnight Train to Fresno." You tube it if you can.

Grandmas holding the hands of their grand kids.

Grandpas holding signs of love.

Men and Women holding on to their partners.

Children listening, playing, and being accepted for who they were.

Gay people standing together.

Straight people standing with them offering support.

I felt such hope being at that rally. I know that was a major point of the rally-keeping hope alive. All the speakers spoke about telling your story. It is important to be heard and maybe one day understood. My story is simple. I am a straight girl from a small community who agrees with the quote that, "injustice anywhere is injustice everywhere." I am a passionate person, but this issue has made me stand up for my beliefs in ways I would have never predicted. After the rally I called my dad and told him where I was and what I heard. I was glad he heard me.

I have also been trying to come to terms with my feelings about people who "celebrate" the ban on same-sex marriage. There are two men in particular who are referenced a lot in my community for "celebrating" the ban. I feel a lot of anger towards them. I also feel sad for them knowing how bigoted it makes them look, and this is how history will see them. At the rally I thought of them and I thought of the governor of some southern state decades ago standing in front of a school to prevent African American children from attending. That is how the men in my community will be remembered by my children. Standing in the way of justice. I thought about writing them a letter to let them know my anger that a "man of God" could be so cruel. But then I fell back on my clinical training. If I had a mean child as a client I would not give him any attention, so I will do the same with them. When they are on the TV I will turn it off, when they are on the radio I will change stations.

At church Sunday morning I was still lost in my own thoughts of this issue, and the injustice of it all, when I found a prayer that I had forgotten about. It pretty much summed up the rally and the upcoming fight in both the state and federal arena.

Prayer of St. Francis:
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

2009-05-28T22:29:00.000-07:00

Meet in the Middle 4 Equality

Saturday people from all over California will be meeting in at City Hall in Fresno to rally in support for same sex marriage. It starts at 1 pm.

Years from now I will talk to my kids about believing that everyone should have basic civil rights, and I will remember how I stood up for those beliefs.

2009-05-26T10:31:00.000-07:00

Ruling Today.

The California Supreme Court ruled today to uphold the ban on same sex marriage. For all of you who voted to "keep marriage safe," I am sure this ruling brings you comfort. Now the "scary" gays will no longer make your marriage unsafe.

I am in shock. I do not understand how a state that speaks so much about rights for people can uphold a law that discriminates. And I don't care what your moral belief is-the ruling to uphold the ban on same sex marriage discriminates.

I am ashamed to live in California.

2009-03-25T21:16:00.000-07:00

I may be mad but my kitchen is sure clean...

My upside to angry feelings is cleaning. Aside from cleaning the kitchen with a vengeance last night, I have also been working out longer at the gym. I have even tried to jog it out. Which is dangerous because I just end up tripping over my feet. As thrilled as I am for this week to be over, I have an 8 a.m. class on statistics to look forward to on Saturday morning. Yeah, this week's a peach. Tomorrow's going to be so much fun I am already anticipating cleaning my bedrooms when I get home from the gym.

2009-03-18T12:00:00.000-07:00

Some Days I Am Not Paid Enough

I was walking in the hallway right now and someone stopped me and asked me to look at something that was found on the ground. Note to future self, don't touch random things given to you. As I looked at it and tried to figure what it was the people walked away, leaving me with the device. It was small, required a battery, and had an instruction not to put on inflamed skin, or skin that had erupted, or if this device causes pain to stop using. Given it's shape and the previous description I am pretty sure I was holding part of a pocket vibrator, and had a freak out moment in my head. I went straight to the industrial size hand sanitizer and threw the piece out. I then went to the people who handed it to me in the first place, and made them use the sanitizer too. This was after having a child tantrum so hard I thought he was going to puke on my shoes. I heart Wednesdays.

2009-03-09T15:23:00.000-07:00

"Our lives begin to end the day we remain silent about things that matter."Martin Luther King Jr.

My alternate title to this post was going to be, "Shame on You State Legislature!"

If you live in California then you know we have a major budget crisis. The legislatures have decided to help their budget deficit they would de-fund current programs. Programs like the lottery money given to education; First 5 money that goes straight to local counties to support programs for children 0-5; and the newest prop, the Mental Health Service Act, which is a 1% tax on anyone who makes one million or more a year. This program goes for mental health programs, and it is currently what I work under in my local county.

Legislatures and the government have decided to put a large percentage of these funds into the general fund, so they can fund programs they are obligated to in their own budget. Because all these programs were voted in by the people, to change them a special election is needed. Politicians being who they are have made the wording on the different amendments very tricky, and it sounds like you are helping children. Really it is just taking money from programs already in existence, and it may close programs that are desperately needed.

I said all that to say this, VOTE NO ON Props 1A through 1F on May 19th. If we think California is in bad shape now, then de-funding programs is not the answer.

I would also encourage you to write to your legislatures and even your governor and tell them how wrong it is to do this.

But if letter writing is not your style, then at least make sure you vote no in the special election!

2009-02-14T12:26:00.000-08:00

Happy S.A.D.!

It's another Singles Awareness Day and I here I sit, hoping this will be a good one. So far I have no complaints. I have new living room furniture, enjoyed a nice breakfast with my dad, and am actually cleaning. I even saw Supermommy and was able give her kids some candy (thus insuring their love and devotion). Tonight the plan is to see Coraline and bowl. I am trying to knock on wood as I type, but so far it looks like the curse of the weapon wielding toddler will pass me by this year.

2009-01-29T21:14:00.000-08:00

"I don't know, maybe it's a girl thing, but after we did it and he gave me the steak coupon I just felt good about myself."- Meredith, The Office

I just love this episode of The Office.

I made a big girl purchase yesterday and bought a living room set. It will be my first time as an adult not owning a sofa that came from a yard sale or friends getting rid of furniture. I am also looking at buying a house. It took me 5 years to buy a new sofa, so I don't think it will be a quick purchase. To be honest, excited and like I want to throw-up whenever I look at the current listing of for-sale homes in my area. I guess I'll know the house is right when excitement beats vomit.

I am so glad tomorrow is Friday. And I am glad that I don't have to whore myself out for steak coupons and product discounts.

2009-01-25T22:16:00.000-08:00

Like I needed another reason to become a functional alcoholic

This has not been my best week. Mostly because I feel overwhelmed with my mom; trying to take care of her and still be sane. I have had two mini breakdowns in which I called friends panicky that these years might be the highlight of my life. So far I have two people on guard to monitor my downward spiral into despair (some mothers give pearls, the women in my family should give badges for bitterness). I know one day i will become a full-fledged Bitter-Betty Scout, but right now I hope I am still a junior bitter brownie. Maybe I should make a sash to hold all my badges.

To try and find some hope, I looked at my Chinese Horoscope for 2009. According to the website, the year of the Ox will only be 32% positive for me. I will have 8 (count 'em 8) bad months. It says my work will feel stagnant and trying to find a significant other will be mission impossible. Oh and I should not think about myself so much and take care of my family and friends more. I clicked off the site, took another drink of vodka and went back to watching the Hallmark Hall of Fame Movie. Here's hoping January is going to count as a bad month.

2009-01-20T14:33:00.000-08:00

Oh Happy Day!

Happy Inauguration Day!! I am so excited for President Obama, and yet I am sad that I had to work today and I missed all the inaguration stuff. Here's hoping the next 4 years suck a little less than the previous 8.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I got sick before Thanksgiving and it has only been in the last week that I have felt better.

Here's to Obama and strong antibiotics.

2008-12-11T10:50:00.000-08:00

The Wrong Place To Be Thinking Of Her...

Yesterday I attended a funeral for a 16 year old who shot herself. I pray to God I never have to do something like that again. The church where the service was held was decorated for Christmas and it felt so wrong to see lighted trees surround a devastated family. During the service my mind kept repeating lines from Damien Rice's 9 Crimes.

Unfortunately this is the season for suicide. If you know someone who is down or who even made a joke about killing themselves take is seriously. If you are feeling like suicide is an option please call a friend or a family member, or even a suicide hotline such as 1800-SUICIDE or 1800-273-TALK. Help is out there.

I kept wondering what her mom and dad's last words to her were, and it reminded me how important it is to say I love you. So I am logging off to call my mom.

2008-12-02T09:29:00.000-08:00

The Pilgrims Secret Weapon: Kool-Aid

On my annual trek to the coast to celebrate Thanksgiving, my father told me the story of the pilgrims. I thought to share it with you...

"So the pilgrims came and they settled somewhere, Jonestown I think. The first year they were starving and the Indians saved them. By the second year the pilgrims killed all the Indians and took their land."

2008-11-26T13:59:00.000-08:00

Let the Turkey Extravaganza Begin...

In about 2 hours my holiday will begin with the annual dinner with my mom and grandma. So far the phone calls leading up to it have involved shame, guilt, mania, anger, and a grocery list for me to complete. Oh, wait I forgot the tears and the reference to my grandma and the family dog not living to see another Thanksgiving. Sigh. Tomorrow morning my father and I will make the annual trek to the coast to spend the weekend with his side of the family. At the end of it all I am thankful to have a loving family and another chance to make memories. Enjoy the weekend!

2008-11-24T22:09:00.000-08:00

Life without MaGee

I came into work this morning to find out MaGee had resigned on Friday afternoon. Well, okay to be honest I knew Friday night because Stanley told me, but I was feeling sick with an ear infection and it did not register. Today was the first day in 15 months I walked into my office and did not worry about being overwhelmed with her life. It was quiet and weird because I thought people would ask about her and no one did (at least not to me). The next few weeks will be hard trying to carry her workload until someone new is hired. In a weird sense of foreshadowing I spoke to a co-worker on Tuesday and said my life at work would be drastically less stressful if she were gone. Now I guess it's time to see what life is like without her. This decision could not have been an easy one to make, so as I sign off tonight I offer her blessings and good fortune. I hope she finds what she is looking for. And I hope I don't look back on the year of MaGee and see it as my easiest (Stanley please hire someone qualified and easy to get along with).

2008-11-10T23:08:00.000-08:00

If you judge people you have no time to love them. ~Mother Teresa

I live in a state that on election night voted to pass a constitutional amendment saying that marriage is only between a man and a woman. It was amazing to me that I could be so happy and sad on one night. I was thrilled to see Obama become our president elect. In the same moment watching the polling results come across for Prop 8 I felt heart sick and ashamed of my state. It has been about 2 weeks since election night and I still feel confused and dismayed at the behavior of the majority. I do not understand why it was so easy for people to happily discriminate against another. No one I know would dream of putting something on their lawn that was against marriage between Blacks and Whites, or Jews and Christians, but many people I know were proud to put Yes on 8 signs in their yards. The other thing that boggled my mind was the number of minority groups that were Yes on 8. In my Pollyanna world I see people who have experienced discrimination fighting the hardest to make sure it doesn't happen to someone else. But then I remember that people have a need to feel better about themselves that usually comes by bringing someone down.

I am not going to argue religion or faith when it comes to this topic. I fully understand that the majority of churches would not marry a gay or lesbian couple. That is an argument between you and your God. You don't believe the marriage rights of gay and lesbian people? The answer is easy. Don't marry someone of your same gender. But you should not have the right to impose your belief on someone else. Martin Luther King Jr. once said, "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice anywhere." I choose not to be a part of this injustice. I want to be able to look at my friends and my family and know I stood on the side of justice.

2008-09-04T16:53:00.000-07:00

Feeling Proud of Myself...

I lasted for about 30 seconds last night watching Sarah Palin's speech. It was about 20 seconds longer than I expected.

2008-08-06T11:45:00.000-07:00

My preparation for the 8 hour read-a-thon last night--two Cups of Coffee, 4 Tylenol, 1 round of stress relief yoga... Totally worth it

So my book of the week is Acheron by Sherrilyn Kenyon. I finished it last night at 2:10am and was thinking about it when I woke up this morning. I am not as verbose as other critics, but I would whole heartedly recommend this series. Especially this book. My only warning would be that the first 400+ pages deal with themes of physical and sexual abuse, and in some ways it felt like I was reading "A Boy Called It" (another great but difficult read). For those of you who shy away from romance novels but who enjoy sci-fi or fiction with paranormal themes I think you would enjoy this series.

I am now back to finishing "New Moon" by Stephanie Myers. No doubt I will be talking about this series next week.

Happy Reading!

2008-08-05T16:26:00.000-07:00

So Many Books, So Little Time...

One of the joys of getting older is realizing that as much as I want to read for hours at a time my body won't let me. My back and legs become sore, my eyes get tired, and I get a migraine. I now feel like sleep is now more important than reading and that makes me sad.

I bring this up because I have been waiting for a book to come out (Acheron by Sherrilyn Kenyon if you were curious). I picked it up today during my lunch break, so excited to go home AT 5PM and read the night away. At about 1pm I realized the pain in my head is not going away, and admitted I was getting a migraine. WTH?!? Sometimes it feels as if the universe is fucking with me. I am now drinking coffee so I can feel well enough to go home and read. It is still in my eyes, and now I have coffee jitters. Getting old sucks.

2008-07-31T13:29:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life gets in the way of blogging...

I have not forgotten this place, I have just been super busy vacationing and then trying to get back into the swing of work. Hopefully this weekend I can update you on the agony and extasy that was my July. Until then I will leave you with a quote from Family Guy which is one of my favorite shows:

"Dad, what's the blow-hole for?"
"I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World."
- Chris and Peter

2008-07-01T20:17:00.000-07:00

J'ai besoin de deux billets de train pour couvrir D'Ail...

I checked my blog analysis tonight and noticed I had a visitor from Paris, France. Lecteur bienvenu! Hopefully this stated "welcome reader" and not something inappropriate. It wouldn't be the first time a french to english translator burned me. In 1999 I spent 5 days in Paris as I traveled on my European tour. I spoke no French and would butcher it like a serial killer every time I attempted to speak. On my last day I was at the train station trying to get to Cap D'Ail, which is near Nice. Some how I ended up asking for two train tickets to Cap D'Adge, which is near Spain I think. Either way it was a 12 hour nightmare of train rides trying to find to get to our hostel. Which by the time we arrived that night was booked. We ended up spending 4 days in Nice and to this day it remains one of my favorite places. So thanks reader for reminding me of such a happy memory. I need to finish cleaning for my guest. Bonne nuit.

2008-07-01T09:14:00.001-07:00

Speaking of Cleaning...

I have a friend coming to stay with me for the next two weeks. Because I am a social cleaner, I have been trying to rid my house of clutter so that she doesn't see how I really live. Besides the joy of a a living room with no boxes (I moved them under the kitchen table), I found a gift card for Borders for 25 dollars. I also found an evil eye ward from a trip to the Middle East in 2000. I figured it would be good to have in my office, what with all the puppets facing me, so I placed it on my despair calendar. And thankfully I did not find processed meats in cabinets or drawers.

2008-06-24T11:38:00.000-07:00

That's no maid, that's Dr. Sylvia...

I just spent the weekend in the first level of hell, aka Phoenix, Arizona. I am simply boggled that anyone chooses to live in a desert. Besides the heat (it averaged about 114), the sun was so bright that as I was carrying a casserole in to my friends house the foil covering burned my eyes. I felt like a freaking vampire for the 36 hours I was there.

You could probably tell I wasn't there to sight see, but rather spend some time with my best friend and her family as she visited her parents. Her mom was so excited she threw a big party, so all the women she knows could meet her daughter and her children.

In the best of situations I freeze up in large groups of people. So it was no surprise that given a large group of women speaking Arabic the entire time drove me into the kitchen. To keep myself busy (and to keep up with the mess) I cleaned dishes. Well apparently this made me seem like a maid, and someone asked my mom's friend how long the "servant" would be around. To which she replied, "That's no maid. She is my daughter (her catholic-single- nonArabic speaking- daughter, but nonetheless) and she's a doctor!" From that point on my friend called me Sylvia, the name of my own housekeeper. To be honest I was pleased anyone thought my cleaning was good enough to be considered professional work.

2008-06-11T13:42:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile...

I have started this new "program" of waking up early to work out and going to bed early. Being a grown up is hard work. I am missing all the best tv at night. But I guess it's worth it to be to work on time (for the most part).

Speaking of work, things with McGee ebb and flow craziness. Recently, Supermommy came to see me and McGee was overwhelmed by her pregnancy. Which turned into a long discussion of her own children's births. MCGee stated she pulled her youngest child out of her va-jay-jay herself, so now I have this Lion King image of her holding the baby up for everyone in the delivery room to see. I have retold this story several times and have yet to tell it with out reaching down and simulating the pull-out process.

I guess it goes with out saying that I have searched out safe places to get my work done. I have found an office that no one is using and it has become my hide-a-way.

I have also been studying for my licensure exams. Or sometimes thinking about studying. I wonder if I will ever feel prepared for this test. Sigh.

So far the best part of my late spring life has been selling blueberries with my dad and other family members. It has been wonderful seeing my peeps and watching my dad socialize with everyone while he eats all the fair type food.

That sums up my last month of life. What's shaking with you?

2008-05-25T20:38:00.000-07:00

Will Clean For Bacon...

Usually I only do major cleaning for company. This weekend I was cleaned for a new reason. To find the opened package of turkey bacon. I was living with hope I took it to work, but in my heart of hearts I knew it was somewhere in my home. It was found in the foil drawer (behind the foil which is how I missed it the first time), and immediately taken to the trash. Another successful cleaning moment.

2008-05-21T17:37:00.000-07:00

God Bless Magee and have mercy on me

Thanks to my favorite aunt for my new mantra.

2008-05-14T11:04:00.000-07:00

Thanks Economic Surplus Check..

I'm buying an ipod with my money. Anyone else have plans to stimulate the economy?

2008-05-08T16:34:00.000-07:00

You Know It's A Bad Day When...

I started by waking up too late to take a shower (damn you benedryl). Walking up late also made me 10 minutes late to work. Instead of my usual walk of shame (I try to complete with no one seeing) I ended up walking into my office to find my boss waiting for me. I had to co-lead a therapy session first thing in the morning, and was asked by a small child, "who did your hair?" I realized then that I forgot to brush my hair. After being uncomfortable at work for an hour I also realized I put my underwear on backwards (thankfully not a thong). Lastly, I had to send two emails to my boss today because of screw-ups I did. All this and it's not even 5pm. I need a drink.

2008-05-06T16:37:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I dream I hit the progressive...

I know this post is late but it took me longer than I expected to recover from 3 days in Vegas. I came home with .75 cents in my pocket and a kind of self-loathing that only comes from eating meals at buffets. Another thing Vegas left me was a sense of my own oldness. I could only stay up till midnight at the best, my drink of choice was water (because you need to hydrate in the desert), and my activity of choice was the nickel slot machine (the Wheel of Fortune one to be exact). I may be 29, but my inner age is about 76. I did love that slot machine. I was also constantly shocked by the amount of young children hanging around the strip late at night. One night I lost count of the kids 0-3 out after midnight. I don't care what the PR people say, Vegas is not a family vacation spot for me. But that may be because all I want to do is play Wheel of Fortune.

Before the trip I had thoughts of crazy adventures (because of course my life would be like a Vegas commercial), but then I realized my motto: Stranger Danger. So in the end I stayed true to my introvertness, and it was just me, a pregnant girl, and another girl who spent the 3 days sending angry text messages to her boyfriend. We were a regular bunch of "playas". All in all it was a fun trip, and I want to go back. I also have an addiction to slot machines that makes Vegas a once a decade town for me.

2008-04-21T16:34:00.000-07:00

I'm not a therapist. I just play one on t.v.

I just went to a training on Autism and they showed the documentary, "Autism: The Musical."
It was a wonderful, emotional, honest, and compelling look into the lives of families who have children with Autism. I encourage everyone to watch it.

Speaking of mental health, recently there was a school shooting in the city I live in. A teenager was shot and killed by a police officer after he attacked the officer with a bat. Yesterday, my mayor brought the chief of police, the superintendent of the school system, and council members together to talk about mental health and the school system. Nowhere was there mention of a psychologist or a licensed therapist attending. How is it that so many people can talk (and make decisions that affect so many) about mental health without having the actual trained professionals present? I am reminded of a time when Clinton was still president and he assembled actors, and athletes, and all sorts of famous people to talk about mental health concerns in adolescents. Never one was there mention of an actual mental health professional attending the conference. As frustrated as I feel, this highlights for me the work that needs to be done to bring awareness of mental health concerns in an appropriate professional way. With trained actors playing the role of concerned psychologists of course.

2008-04-18T09:42:00.000-07:00

Fear #457: Puppets

Soon I will be leading a preschool group as a part of my job. For this group we are required to use toddler-size puppets who are "group members." I am not a fan of puppets, and I am not afraid to say I am even afraid of them. I am not entirely convinced they won't come alive in the middle of the night and try to cut my fingers off. As someone who is almost 30, I get this fear is ridiculous, but thus far I have been able to control it by not being around ~~minions of Satan~~ puppets. The puppets for our new group arrived last week, and since I won't touch them, McGee got the job of putting them away. I expected them to be in a box, or in a cupboard. I did not expect them to be in chairs and shelves around the office all facing me. At first I thought it might be unintentional, but then I remembered who I am taking about. Because I don’t want to show more fear than I already have I pretend this is not creeping me out. My next step in overcoming my puppet fear is to find my “puppet voice” so I can begin practicing using them with kids. Right now the only “voice” I can think of is the evil-whispery voice little kids use, but I don’t think that will be conducive to telling a bunch of preschoolers the importance of sharing and being a good friend. I welcome any and all suggestions to overcoming my puppet fear and finding my inner puppet voice. Happy Friday.

2008-04-10T14:05:00.000-07:00

Updated Fun TV clips...

For some reason I can't upload the video, but it's on You Tube. I thought it was funny.

So the previous clip is no longer up, so I am instead posting this which came from Ponch. Enjoy.
Is any one else thrilled 30 Rock and the Office will be back on tonight? I can't wait!

2008-04-03T10:25:00.001-07:00

Words I Never Thought I Would Say At Work...

To a coworker- "I am sorry I accidently slapped your bottom. My arm was swing back at the wrong moment." Thanks be the coworker wasn't McGee, or I know I would have a sexual harrassment claim against me.

2008-04-02T11:34:00.000-07:00

Because Many Hands Make Work Light...

I remember 3rd grade pretty well. My teacher was a dragon. An almost-nun who married a Pepsi distributor. The feeling I got even then was that she wished she had married Jesus. I can remember being terrified to enter 3rd grade because of her rep. And it takes a lot to really stand out as meaner than usual in a Catholic school. That being said, I never plotted to kill her.

Today the morning news stations were all abuzz with the news that several 3rd grade children were allegedly plotting to kill their teacher. Because she scolded one for standing on a chair (which is chump change in a Catholic school). The truly scary part was that this was an organized crime. Everyone brought an item to be used (handcuffs, a knife, a paperweight, duct and electrical tape, and ribbon). They even had kids assigned for look-out and clean-up duty. Some little snot nosed kid agreed to clean up the mess that would have come from stabbing and beating their teacher. Here's hoping all those kids begin therapy (especially the ring leaders). At work, all I can think of is what the kids are going to do to the snitch who tipped off the authorities. I mean, come on, if they wanted to kill their teacher for giving a command, what in the name of all that's holy will they do to the kid who got them busted?

2008-03-31T15:23:00.000-07:00

No, I Don't Really Feel Lucky. Thanks For Asking.

An office manager called me to let me know I was "lucky" enough to be picked to attend a training at County Mental Health on how work their online training system. Then I get to come back and teach my new skills to others. First off, I am technology challenged (which is why this blog is so no frills). Secondly, the last training I went to at CMH I wanted to stab my eyes out with knitting needles. I need to remember to bring my knitting supplies. Just in case.

2008-03-31T09:49:00.000-07:00

Maybe I Should Start Watching Prison Break Again...

Today I am mailing off my amended tax returns and the money I owe. Even though I have quadruple checked the forms (and my damn checks) I can't help but worry I missed something. Which means -worst case scenario: I will be arrested by the IRS (because they really want their $45.00) and sent to maximum security prison. And I can safely say I will not be okay in prison. I will have to kill someone to make everyone leave me alone. Then I will have to tattoo a tear on my face and I really hate needles (let alone prison needles). And I will have to learn how to make fried foods using nothing more than ground up prison meals I have smuggled back to my room, the oil from my unwashed hair, and a jimmy-jacked heat wand that was originally made to make tea. And thankfully I know in advance to avoid drinking the milk, so I won't get any diseases from that. This is all in my first week (of my 12 year sentence-which is what I am sure the judge will hand down).

Best Case Scenario: I will end up on a watch list for a while. You know, the she- can't-do-her-taxes-properly-and-we-need-to-make-sure-she-is-not-stealing-from-us list (SCDTPANTMSSINSFS for short). I am sure it will be similar to when I traveled to the Middle East one summer, and suddenly I was not able to fly without an orange sticker on everything (including me). This special treatment also included "random" searches of all my belongings every stop I had. Thankfully it did not include a strip search. The IRS doesn't strip search right?

Moral of the story-I am a pessimistic freak who doesn't have a lot to do at work today.

2008-03-27T18:46:00.000-07:00

Serenity Now...

Did you ever have a day where nothing went right? Aside from being repeatedly told I was doing things wrong (and I have to say I hit a new high for the sheer number of people who corrected me). During lunch my spinach exploded in the office microwave and line of hungry women stared me down as I quickly tried to clean the mess. Just when I could see the light and it's time to go home a coworker tells me she googles me late at night. As I got into my car to go home I realized that this creepy moment is the highlight of my day. And I proceeded to set a measuring cup on fire as I cook dinner.

2008-03-26T13:10:00.000-07:00

If I Had A Million Dollars...

Because McGee is currently in a meeting I am able to sing out loud in my office. This song always makes me smile.

2008-03-18T12:41:00.001-07:00

Best Contraception...

Saturday I shopped and lunched with Supermommy and her kids. Her little girl has entered into the terrible 2's with 2 months to spare. She has a scream that stops people in their tracks. Or maybe just me, but either way you could hear her screaming her displeasure from 10 cars away.

For lunch we had bagels and juice. Supermommy warned me to look away, because while her daughter is many things a neat eater is not one of them. The first time I gave her pb&j I vurped a little. During this lunch she was pretty good. I think she was too hungry to rub anything in her face, hair, or ears. I did well until I saw her juice cup, with the floating pieces of bagel and the swirling globs of cream cheese. Supermommy lifted the cup up a little and swished it like a fine wine, letting the food particles float in the juice, looked at me and said, "Isn't this the best contraception you've ever seen?" I told her it was better than the health video I saw in high school.

2008-03-11T19:18:00.000-07:00

Well At Least He Wasn't 70

Many who know me well know that I am shy and I attract the greatest generation. My theory is that these gentleman know I will take care of them. I am pretty sure my pheromones smell like oatmeal and Ben-gay.

Last night I talked to a horse of a different color. As I was in line waiting to order sliced turkey at the supermarket, a man initiated conversation. You know, usual, do you live here (in the city not the store), what do you do, and are you analyzing me right now? I learned he was a truck driver whose route is Salt Lake City to Oakland. He hates it when other truck drivers curse on the CB radio and he refers to African Americans as "Negroes." This last piece shocked me and I didn't know what to say (besides the 1950's are calling and they want their word back). I also learned that he is married with 2 daughters, and he's trying to avoid putting his truck on a scale (why I was afraid to ask).

I was happy with myself for talking with him, until it felt like he was following me around the store. Then I just prayed I would get out before he killed me and left small pieces of my body along 1-5. Sure he was a freak. But he wasn't 70.

2008-03-10T16:08:00.000-07:00

Fan-freaking-tastic

I think this will be my word of the day. Maybe because there is a bee hive in my roof near my front door, and it is unknown when the people who remove such things will be out. Or it could be due to the fact that I filed my tax return early, and then forgot to include a W-2. The tax refund I was so excited about has now been made smaller by the money I now owe the gov't.

2008-03-01T11:37:00.000-08:00

Big Girl Purchase Take 2

Today my new bed is being delivred. Hopefully this one won't hurt, but even if it does I have a trial warrantly. Wish me luck.

2008-03-01T11:03:00.000-08:00

BYOZ

Yesterday my cousin got married. During the dinner my mom and I were discussing how great the food was. My mom said she was full, and then pulled a ziploc bag out of her purse. And proceeded to fill it with all the tri-tip and turkey she did not ea then put the bag back in her purse. It was good tri-tip.

*not sure why the picture of the wedding cake is tilted. Every time I look at it on my computer it's rotated the right way.

2008-02-28T20:13:00.000-08:00

Lifestyles of the (possibly) written up and really creeped out.

How have I never had make-your-own honey roasted peanut butter before now? So delish I went back for more at Whole Foods tonight. Thanks to Supermommy for recommending it.

Something I could live without? The creepy guy at Blockbuster staring and smiling at me through the window as I droppped my movies off and then got back in my car. He didn't look away until I actually drove off. Glad to know I still attract the freaks.

Lastly, I may be fired from my job for a reason I had never considered before. I am not allowed to check personal email at work, and yesterday was so hellish I used my work email to send a message to a friend. Well she responsed back and because she used "sex" and dropped an f-bomb the email was confiscated before I could read it and went somewhere in HR. Fan-freaking-tastic. If I get fired before McGee I am going to be so pissed.

2008-02-27T19:22:00.000-08:00

Well The Upside Is That This Probably Won't Be The Worst Day Of My Life.

My mother chilled in the parking lot of my office today for hours. Her car broke down and she called to borrow mine. I thought borrow automatically implied leaving, but what she meant was smoking in my car in the parking lot. When taking a break from smoking she came in and talked to office staff about how I have a wealthy g-ma and am just doing this work because I care. Nice. I thought she had left to run errands, and it wasn't until the end of her stay in my car that I realized how long she had been there.

At one point she saw Stanley coming out of a building and shouted, "Are you Carl or Stanley? Either way I am Lore's mom and I have pictures of you on my computer." Thankfully he realized that this was not as creepy as it sounded.

My mother is also beginning to hallucinate, so before she left she warned me to watch out for other cars who may now be tailing my car. Big Sigh.

My day also included a 3 hour shopping trip with McGee, who incidentally has no concept of personal space along with her lack of appropriate conversation.

This day ended with a migraine which was a total shocker.

2008-02-25T09:37:00.000-08:00

Because It Takes A Village To Raise An Ape...

Last week I attended training for work. As if being trapped in a car with co-workers for hours on end listening to the sob stories on Delilah isn't bad enough, the training also blew chunks. The trainer was a crier. The instance occurred when he was talking about a research study concerning gorillas in a zoo. Apparently researchers swapped babies and mommas to see how temperament affects parenting (my first question is this: how you can you definitively talk about temperament in apes, and my second question is: did they take into account that some apes might be pissed at losing their babies and being given new ones). Apparently, the study found that it took a super-ape-mommy to raise a difficult gorilla-baby. If the difficult ape-baby was raised by an average ape-mommy or even a "bad" ape-mommy, then they became isolated and ostracized in their group. But, if it was raised by a June Cleaver-ape, difficult gorillas grew up to lead the group (cue crying) and save everyone from threats (like zoo keepers trying to take away their babies?).

The trainer then went on to talk about (and cry about) how Winston Churchill saved the Queen and her people in WWII (I think it was because he was raised by a super-gorilla).

The most screwed up part of this story is that I am a social crier, so every time monkey boy fell apart at the thought of super-gorillas, I cried with him. In case you were wondering, my training was on how to run a child group (using puppets no less, so imagine monkey boy crying about super gorillas while holding a giant puppet). Needless to say I feel ill equipped to do anything but cry about baby gorillas and the insurmountable power of the English people. Another successful training by I.Y.

I forgot to also mention that Monkey-boy had the flu during this training. After two days of watching him sweat or holding his hand to his mouth to stop the puke, he wanted to shake hands with everyone who finished the the training. Like I said it blew chunks.

2008-02-16T00:59:00.000-08:00

Fabulous

My night ended with me struggling to remove the shirt I tied around my waist. It was stuck to the big wad of gum on my jeans Earlier this evening I sat in it while having dinner with friends. It wasn't discovered until I began walking away that the sound of laughter and pointing fingers became my guide to trouble. My friend first tried to remove it. Did I mention the gum was attached to a card board holder? We soon learned how much bigger the gum spot can become when you attempt to remove the card board it's attached to. So I tied a shirt around my waist. Fast forward to me in my living room trying to remove the shirt that was now stuck to my jeans. Thank God it's a 3 day weekend.

2008-02-14T21:21:00.000-08:00

Happy S.A.D. And Screw You All I'm Going Home...

I get that I have offended Cupid. Probably due to my lack of a romantic relationship since Milli Vanilli was considered talented. I guess when you put your career over love, small babies with arrows get pissed. So far the highlights of S.A.D. -past included:

*The police ransacking my room looking for stolen goods that my brother "found" (aka stole out of the car belonging to a DEA agent).

*My mother checking herself into a psych ward, as a revenge tactic, then truly becoming psychotic. If I never see cheap cigarettes again it will be too soon.

While most people think today means hearts, flowers and all things beautiful, I just hope to make it through the day without an anvil dropping on my head.

This year the baby curse stayed true and I found myself stuck in an office for 4 hours with a coworker who I like to call McGee. Who, in case you read this blog, is the same person who told me that my eggs would turn to dust in 6 months and 16 days (not that I'm counting). Normally I can tune her out with online radio , fleeing to another office, or thoughts of alcoholic beverages, but then Cupid came to town. And I found out that I get to spend more time than normal with her every Thursday from now until retirement. As if I don't want to gouge my eyes balls out with a soup spoon enough. That would be a worker's comp right?

She stayed true to form today, and when talking to a woman who was African American, while watching a movie that had an African American woman in it, McGee says, "See she's just like you...(awkward pause in which I think WTF)... you know because she has two kids." Yeah sure.

The last and final blow to the grain of sand I call my dignity came when I spent dinner with my dad and his girlfriend. That's right folks, I was the third wheel on Valentine's Day. With my dad. Babies with Arrows, 3 Lorelai, 0. Game. Set. Match.

2008-02-11T20:38:00.000-08:00

It's definitely one way to go about it...

I wouldn't know anything about annoying coworkers. Nothing at all. But, if I had an annoying co-worker (and was okay being fired for sexual harrassment), this is one way to get rid of him (or her).

And, if you were wondering how to tell a child their mother has died, this is not the way.

Thanks to Carl for YouTube surfing with me last night. We discovered thatBrokeTrek was the best of the Brokeback parodies. After we discovered there are a lot of Brokeback parodies.

2008-02-06T13:02:00.000-08:00

"Ash Wednesday, the holiday during which Catholics mark the beginning of Lent by creeping out their coworkers." -Tina Fey

I thought of this SNL quote today when someone came into a morning meeting with ashes on her forhead. Being Catholic, this was expected, but I wondered what others thought. I hope that all my Catholics peeps are wearing the ash proudly, and not creeping out co-workers.

2008-02-05T16:40:00.000-08:00

Laissez Le Bon Temp Rouler

Happy Mardi Gras! Remember- it's not worth getting arrested for indecent exposure over cheap beads. Even if Hulk Hogan is throwing them your way.

And don't forget to vote if you live in a state that's voting today!

2008-02-04T20:40:00.001-08:00

Celebrating S.A.D. with sweet dejection

I usually don't buy myself a present for Singles Awareness Day (aka Valentine's Day), but when I saw these candies at www.despair.com I had to get them. I got a box for all my single friends, because I care. Today after super boring meeting I gave Stanley a heart that said, "a fine whine."

2008-02-03T12:22:00.000-08:00

"Morpheus doesn't play football. He plays jacks."-Fishbourne's answer

I will admit I don't know much about football, and I only watch the Superbowl for the halftime comercials. That being said, what in the name of all that's holy is Ryan Seacrest doing hosting the Superbowl opening? Was Joan Rivers too busy? And why is there a red carpet? So far I have seen Roger Federer and a kid actor from Narnia. I've also had the pleasure of watching Seacrest ask Laurence Fishbourne how Morpheus would do if he played in the Superbowl. I think I'll watch the CW now. Lorelai out.

2008-01-31T16:39:00.000-08:00

"But Daddy I love Him!"

I had a dream this morning that Marie and Donny Osmond were getting married (my dream took place in the 70's so imagine the clothes and hair). To each other. Their whole family was there to celebrate the union and everyone was happy. Everyone that is, except for their father, who kept shouting out bible verses and screaming how this was against God's law. Right before I woke up Donny and Marie agreed to get an anullment. Dis. Turb. Ing.

2008-01-29T18:14:00.000-08:00

You Can Call Me Dr. Knownothing

More tales from the Midwest...

While my friend's youngest daughter was doing her best to give me the bird flu, her oldest was slowing but surely learning how incompetent I am. In my defense, I blame my parents.

During my visit my she realized that Halta Lorelai can't cook anything without a microwave (which they don't have). I can't read Arabic, and I don't celebrate Eid (I "make Christmas" as she told me). I also can't speak Arabic, and this was by far the hardest thing for her to understand. One day at lunch she turns to me and says,
"Halta Lorelai can you say television in Arabic?"
"Nope. How do you say it?"
"Television (said with an accent). Do you know how to say table?"
"Sure don't. Tell me,"
"Table (said with more of a french accent, but table nonetheless)."
And then she began teaching me how to say things in English. I tried to explain that I knew English, but it was too late. I was officially dumb to a 4 year old.

Every time she asked me about the things I couldn't do she would then ask, "But didn't your mommy teach you?" I had to explain that my mom doesn't speak Arabic, she doesn't cook Arabic food, and she makes Christmas not Eid.

On my last day as I gathered up my luggage I stopped to take one last picture of my friend in her home. I had this giant travel back pack on, and I stepped wrong and fell. I ended up on my back not unlike a turtle who was flipped over. On the way to the airport, all the girls could talk about was that time I fell.
"Remember that time you fell Halta Lorelai?"
"I sure do it just happened?"
"That was so funny how you fell all the time."
"It was once, but yeah it was funny. "

2008-01-28T19:07:00.000-08:00

I Can't Wait Until She Can Say It With A Hallmark

I know this post is late, but I finally have time and energy to talk about my traveling over the holidays. My best friend has 2 little girls and her youngest was sick the entire time I was there. I knew it was only a matter of time before I too would be sick when her darling daughter:
-Drank from my cup. Every chance she got. Because my water always tastes way better than hers. And she was usually oozing snot as she grabbed my glass.
-Sneezed in the hummus, guacamole, rice, chicken, salad, and birthday cake (although I like to think I baked the sick out of it). The only thing she didn't sneeze in was my oatmeal. Instead she coughed in her hand and then flattened out my oatmeal.
-Sneezed in my hair and wiped her hands in my hair, as she was attempting to make my hair look pretty. I didn't realize she was even doing this until I saw the videotape her father was shooting. It helped to explain why he was laughing the entire time he was filming.
-As I held her to read a story she turned and gave a nice wet cough right in my face.

The first day I will admit I was grossed out. Not having kids, I forget that you have to be taught not to rub snot in other people's hair. By the end of the trip I was okay with the sneezing and coughing. I think that was her way of saying she loved me.

My second to last day as I was sleeping I heard the door open and the scampering of little feet Expecting someone to come and cuddle I opened one eye slowly and began to smile. Her youngest got really close and whispered,
"Halta Lorelai, guess what?"
"I don't know sweetheart. You tell me?"
"Your shoes stink."

To be honest I thought I was nothing more than a big kleenex to the child, and then the day after I left my friend called to tell me that her daughter woke up crying saying she wanted me to be with her. That's because I love them so much.

Tomorrow's post will be about how her oldest daughter thinks I am the dumbest person in the world.

2008-01-22T16:23:00.000-08:00

"I felt like when I left home that I was on a journey, and I still am.”-Heath Ledger

I just read an article that said Heath Ledger is dead. I feel a weird sense of shock. Don't get me wrong, we weren't friends. But he does have the distinction of being the first age appropriate crush I had on a celebrity. I have always been into old movies, and it was hard being the only teen in like with Paul Newman, Cary Grant, and Rock Husdon (also hard-- being in like with men who liked other men, but that's a story for another day.) Heath was the crush I had who was born in the same decade as me, so he was special. May he find peace in the next part of his journey.

2008-01-15T16:32:00.001-08:00

Disease of the Week
Pink Eye is slowing but surely traveling through the office. If crap in my eye wasn't bad enough, while on a school visit I heard a student say, "Teacher my head is itchy." Last week they had a "little lice problem" the teacher tells me. Apparently this week is twofer DOTW. Wish me luck staying healthy during double illness week.

2008-01-14T19:27:00.000-08:00

What I Wanted To Say...

Over the last two weeks I had all these great things to blog about. The rest of my trip, the movies I have seen (please go see Juno and Once), and the joys of being polite in Borders. It was all going to be hilarious I'm sure, but aside from Arabic lessons and great food, my darling nieces also gave me their illness. Just my annual holiday sick making it's appearance. I am feeling better now, but am still really tired. The funny will have to wait until I can laugh with out coughing up a hairball.

2007-12-29T16:49:00.000-08:00

And I Traveled A Long, Long Way...

For the last 2 days I have been in the Midwest awaiting the arrival of my best friend's new baby (or "my bay-bee boy" as her 2 year old daughter calls him). I thought it would be freezing here, so I packed only my warmest clothes. so far it has been a balmy 50 degrees here. I was looking forward to snow, but it feels like spring. Oh well, I'm not really snow people anyways. I saw something weird today. All through out the city they live in are wild rabbits. At first I thought some one's pet was loose, but then I was told rabbits are as common here as squirrels.

I have been gorging myself on Arabic food and any type of carb available. The Arabs I know believe you're not full until you've had a good 3 servings of anything. So my plans for weight loss are pretty much shot here.

Her daughters get that I am not Arabic, so they have made me their pet project. Everyday I have been learning new words. You know the important ones like, "I don't wanna!" and "Ice-cream now!" and "Mine!"

The down side to being the greatest aunt ever (which is what I am sure "halta" means in Arabic) is that I am the one they have been waking up in the morning to play and make cereal. My friend and her husband are loving this, but I could do with another hour of sleep.

Today, I played one of cd's while we were driving to the store. After Shawn Colvin's, "Fill Me Up" the 4 year old said she liked to sing the "Feel Me Up" song. This same daughter also asked me if I liked to sleep with other people (because she wanted to sleep in the bed I was in and not the floor). Not sure how to answer I said, "Sometimes." "Mama and Daddy," she said loudly to her parents, "Halta Lorelai likes to sleep with other people."

2007-12-25T17:47:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas To All...

Besides the fact that my mother inadvertently had CPS come out and interview my brother and his family, my Christmas went pretty smooth. I hope yours was just as good (without the CPS visit).

2007-12-20T09:48:00.000-08:00

A Holiday Post

A couple of nights ago I watched Supermommy's little guy (L.G. for lack of a better name) perform in his first Christmas Pageant. It was basically 10 minutes of child wrangling, as children ran off the stage to say hi to their parents or get their barrettes fixed. L.G. did a great job of staying in his seat, and he seemed to have fun playing with his paper plate halo. Afterwards, I had dinner at their house and sat by the fire with L.G. snuggled in blankets watching the Christmas lights. I can forget how special and magical Christmas is, until I talk with him. We also watched my favorite children's show Wonder Pets. I am a dramtical person and if I could sing my way through life (in a high pitched voice no less) I would--so I love how these superheros sing their way through every adventure. The Christmas one is especially fun. L.G. even let me hold his Lego boat as we watched because it would, "help me see better." I told him holding it totally gave me clarity.

The day after Christmas I fly out to St. Louis at the butt crack of dawn to visit my bff and hopefully witness the arrival of her third child. Last week as I was talking to her to coordinate things, her 4 year old daughter got on the phone. "Aunt Lorelai," she said very intensely, "Don't forget (dramatic pause) to bring my presents. Make sure they are in your bag, because I want to play with them." I assured her I wouldn't forget. I may have to turn around and go back if I do.

2007-12-07T23:56:00.000-08:00

Is It Wrong To Each Peanut Butter and Chocolate Ice Cream For Dinner?

I didn't think so either.

2007-12-07T09:52:00.000-08:00

A Few of My Favorite (toxic-free) Things....

My goal this Christmas is to find presents for kids that won't kill or cause irreparable brain damage. I started looking online for safe toy companies and this is what I have found so far.

www.sparkability.com
www.green-living.com
www.owlnesttoys.com
www.oompa.com
www.planethappytoys.com
www.rosiehippo.com
http://www.kazootoys.com/

Feel free to post a comment if you know of more. Happy Shopping!

2007-11-29T15:49:00.000-08:00

The Doctor and the Pea

I was so excited to get a big-girl job (a job that pays more than the gas I spend to get there), and I have been making a list of all the big-girl purchases I want to make. The very top of my list was a new bed. I have had crappy beds most of my life. I was giddy at the thought of getting a restful night of sleep. About 2 weeks after starting my job I woke up one Saturday morning in so much pain that I went straight to the bed store. I meant to be a good shopper and try out beds, but I made an impulse buy. The first night sleeping on my new bed was great, but slowly I have realized that my bed is so firm it hurts to sleep on. It got to the point I could only sleep on my right side, because every time I tried to sleep on my left I hit some crazy pressure point and would be instantly awake and in pain. To top it off I missed the deadline to return my mattress, because I kept thinking my body would adjust. Over the weekend two of the after T-day purchases I made were to buy pillow top mattress pads for my bed-of-steel. I have added an extra 6 inches of fluffiness, and finally my bed feels comfy. The downside is that my bed was high before, and adding the extra fluff almost makes it so I need a step to get into bed.

2007-11-20T11:05:00.001-08:00

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Thanksgiving

Because my family seems to be going crazy. And by family I mean my mother. Whose recent manic episode involved her robbing my dead grandpa's mobile home to get all the clothes and pictures (and God only knows what else) she could find. His old girlfriend was not home at the time, but all the people in the trailer park came out to watch. It makes me laugh that my mother's burglary was the event of the day at the trailer park. And the funniest part was my mother left a note telling the girlfriend what she had done, and how it was to help her move on. Note to self-don't leave a note when you commit a criminal act.

Thankfully, when the girlfriend got home (from the casino) she threatened to call the police if everything wasn't returned. Because she wanted to give the clothes away to her family members. It creeps me out that everyone wants his clothes. I don't get it. It's not that they want one piece for sentimental value, they all think they are getting a new wardrobe (my mom kept trying to push a bunch of shorts and socks on me). I am thankful everything was returned because it means I won't get a dead man's clothes for Christmas. No disrespect to my g-pa but I have no desire to wear his old walking shorts (even if they have elastic around the waist).

I am also thankful I will be traveling to the coast to spend Thanksgiving with my dad's family. Sure my brother and his family will be there to cause drama (like the fact that he is spending $700 to rent a corvette to the coast and leaving his g-friend and their kids to find a ride), but I will have the buffer of 20 other people to keep his crazy from me. There will also be lots of alcohol on hand to also act as a crazy buffer. I wish everyone a wonderful (and crazy free) Thanksgiving. Good luck shopping on Black Friday.

2007-11-14T16:00:00.000-08:00

I Heart My Bed...

I have been traveling for work and for fun and I am so excited to be home again. The trips were great but there is nothing like being in your bed (unless your bed is really painful, then it rocks to be in hotels). More to come...

2007-11-05T09:27:00.000-08:00

The Fart Fest

My dad has not been feeling well these last few months. I have taken him to the emergency room, and to out-patient surgery for different tests enough times to recognize the morning staff of his hospital. I have been terrified that 55 is the new 54 in our family. To make matters worse they couldn't seem to find what was wrong with him, which made everything scarier. I have done as much as I can to not think about my dad being sick, which means there has been a lot of stress eating (mmmmm chinese buffet).

On Friday I picked him up at 6am for yet another test. This time they were doing a colonoscopy and I was sure they would find cancer. I was in a funk all week trying not to think of the C word. After waiting for an hour and a half to get called back his procedure was surprisingly short. After about 20 minutes of scoping his insides the Doctor came in and told me it wasn't cancer or polyps, rather IBS and diverticulosis (which is the precursor to diverticulitis). Apparently having both is like a catch 22 of gastro-intestinal pain. But since it's not cancer, I can handle it.

I had been trying really hard to think of something funny all week. Apparently I needed to look no further than the recovery room where my dad lay resting. As I sat by him waiting for him to wake up, a nurse came up and said, "Would you like to see the pictures?" Before I could say no (which I would have done, since I really don't want to see his insides) this page was thrust in my face and she said, "Here is your father's anus and this is the camera as it is going inside." Holy crap she showed me a picture of my father being probed! Coming from a family that doesn't even use the word "anus", I was in a place of major inappropriateness and all I could do was try not to laugh. As my father became more awake I looked around the busy recovery room and noticed I was hearing weird nosies. It took me a sec to figure out what I was hearing was the fart fest that comes after a colonoscopy. My immature self thought this was hilarious and I couldn't help but laugh. The nurses became the cheerleaders of all the patients, encouraging them to let one rip and praising them for a particularly good blast. As I sat there, having people of all walks of life fart in my general direction, I couldn't help but feel like a fart was the best sound I had heard in a while. I was also very glad to have sinus problems and be unable to smell the love.

2007-10-31T13:00:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween!!

I hope everyone has a fun and safe Halloween! I can't wait to see all the little ones in their costumes! And I can't wait to eat left over candy.

2007-10-29T15:45:00.000-07:00

I'm Good Here Thanks...

My mother is spending 4 days with my brother and his family. She has only been there for 2 hours and they have already been in 3 fights. My mother got ill on the train and my brothers kids have the flu. She has called me 5 times to report on the ill health of everyone in his house. And they wondered why I chose to stay home and work.

2007-10-28T21:53:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I cried about a sex doll. And I wasn't the only one....

Go see Lars and the Real Girl and if you don't cry too, then you're a heartless bastard. Or you have faulty tear ducts. If the latter is the case see a doctor. Then go see the movie.

2007-10-27T23:13:00.000-07:00

Getting Through Halloween With Your Brains Intact

Check out this funny link for surviving a Zombie attack. Thanks Stanley for sending it to me. Having a Zombie free Halloween is always a goal of mine.

2007-10-25T10:08:00.000-07:00

Food Rules...

I don't have many food rules in life. Don't eat mayo casserole (or mayo pb and j, or any large quantity of mayo). Don't eat eggs that are undercooked. No cooked carrots, cauliflower or raisins ever. And lastly, (and this is the life saver) never eat sushi or salad at Chinese Buffet.

On Tuesday I tried to break the sushi rule and have a piece while eating Chinese Buffet. I really wanted it but 2 things kept the experience from being enjoyable. First is that I was having a late dinner and it hit me that I never saw any food being replaced or even taken away due to being out too long. Which made me wonder how long my roll had been out (I guessed about 14 hours). The second thing was that my piece was covered in Roe. Normally this gives me a slight twinge (because Roe falls under my under cooked eggs category). As I went to take a bite a clip from "Finding Nemo" enters my brain. I was done. The thought of eating Nemo ruined my Sushi experience, and all I could do was seek solace in the almond cookies and weird sugar covered peanuts (which tasted like peanuts, but did not have the texture of a peanut).

Last night I decided to once again brave sushi. There is a place right up the street from work that is a sushi bar, so I braved it with a co-worker. What we didn't know at the time was that it was a fast food Japanese restaurant who offered drive-thru sushi. Weird. The food was not half bad, but again I could not eat the Roe. Looks like I have another food rule. I really hope this doesn't generalize and I start to see Rocky when I eat chicken or Otis when I have a hamburger.

2007-10-22T11:08:00.000-07:00

Why NASA Will Never Be In My Future, And Why Gatorade May Also Be Out...

As a kid, I thought astronauts were the cool. I mean really, they get a sweet suit and helmet, and the chance to float in a space ship. Even though they seemed cool I never wanted to be one (not even a little bit), due to several intense fears I associated with space travel. One fear was that the cable would break as I was trying to fix something outside the craft and I would die floating slowly away. Given my very limited abilities to fix anything it is very unlikely I would have been named head fixer-upper. But if in some parallel universe I managed to become a space gal, then it only makes sense that they would call on me to grab my hot pink wrench and fix the shuttle.

I am also not totally convinced that I won't just float off the moon either (I don't care how "powerful" the moon boots are reported to be). Lastly, (and most important in my book) I had fears about the bathroom situation in space-- you know it can't be too private or even slightly dignified (a goal in life has always been to put off wearing adult diapers for as long as possible, but that's just me). I now have one more reason never to sign up for NASA.

On Friday the early morning news program in my area reported a story in which NASA is coming up with plan to turn urine into drinking water (either plain or Gatorade flavored). While the thought of floating aimlessly in space is scary, having to drink my own pee to survive is just as yucky (even if does taste like punch flavored Gatorade). You know an even crappier (pun intended) job is the person who is the taste tester for the initial trial runs in the purification system.

2007-10-18T09:30:00.001-07:00

“I consider looseness with words no less of a defect than looseness of the bowels”—John Calvin

At work I try really hard to be circumspect and respectful of others. For all my talking or long winded blogging I am even fairly quiet at work (or I try to be).

I work in a large organization and there are many people here I know in passing only. Which makes it even more embarrassing when I have word diarrhea of my own. Mine comes in the form of inappropriate jokes to people I hardly know (I wouldn't call it harassment, but I can't wait for my friend to finish law school so I can retain her services). Yesterday, I was speaking to someone in passing about a luncheon I attended a few days ago. Apparently, at the luncheon I was seated next to a retired gynecologist, and the lady with whom I was speaking mentioned he was her OBGYN for many years. She then said it felt like he didn't remember her. To which I said, "I would imagine that in his business it's not the faces he focused on, but he might remember the vagina's."

2007-10-08T20:20:00.000-07:00

Call Me Irresponsible

You wouldn't be alone. This is what I was called today at work by my boss's boss. All because I didn't respond to email she sent me either today or last week. To be fair, when I spoke to her today her exact words (after I said I had been locked out of the email system for the past week) were, "(polite laughter) Oh and I was thinking you were just irresponsible." Okay so that actually doesn't sound any better. I too gave a polite laugh and assured her that as soon as I was able to I would be responsive to all email requests. When I hung up the phone I was in shock for a second. Am I getting the rep as the irresponsible one? And for something that is totally out of my control. I mean I know I won't get the rep for being the mouth (after all I do work with McGee), and she will also win for most empathetic and passionate about her work. But I thought I would be in the running for helpful or considerate.

The truly messed up aspect of this is that I can't even tell the IT person myself that my email is screwed because he is only available by email. I can't tell you how many times today I tried to tell people about my email woes and their response was, "well just send support an email." McGee herself many times today tried to have me check my email to confirm different things. When the IT came today to work on different issues, he was not directed to my area (even though I spoke with the person in charge of directing the IT guy twice in the morning). By the afternoon I called her again only to be told that she forgot I needed a computer tech because she forgot I had a cubicle (disregarding the fact I can't get in the system).

I felt like today was like a weird episode of "the Office." I ate lunch at my desk so I could spend my lunch half-hour walking to clear my head. Unfortunately this plan sucked on several levels. First, I missed a noon meeting (which I thought had been moved to 10am-I guess you can call me unreliable. Throw in undependable too). Second my quick lunch was a light meal of eggplant parm and noodles. Which made my peaceful walk more of a Michael Scott fun run moment. Luckily, there was no puke involved in my exercise. Or nipple chafing.

When I was talking to Carl his advice was that tomorrow had to be better, if for no other reason than it would not be Monday. Here's hoping. I also had to laugh as I relayed a comment McGee made to me when she came into my area to talk about all the talking going on in her area. She said, "I just don't like to talk in the office area." A major lie and I am surprised she wasn't hit with lightening or smote as she stood. I think she was just mad that everyone in her area was talking about Britney Spears, and not their cats or crazy neighbors (which are her hot topics). Here's to whatever the rest of the week brings my way.

2007-10-03T16:37:00.000-07:00

The Latest Scoop About My Co-Workers

I had a weird smell day and I finally figured it out. A co-worker smelled like cat litter. Before I narrowed it down to her I was wondering if there was an office pet no one told me about.